A
male
age
51-59,
*2know
writes:I am married for 10 years and have a 7 month old baby. My wife is a beautiful, intelligent and successful woman and a great mother. However for as long as i can remember i have requested her to dress be sexy to some degree. I have spent many hours describing what is sexy, i have bought her underwear, dresses, even created powerpoint presenations of what i consider clues for a great sexual episode( faces of women excluded)but to no avail. Sometimes even female family members and friends hint to her to dress up a little. There are no issues with money so clothing isnt an issue. After the child she has put on the baby weight and shows no interest in losing it. Time is not the issue either as there is sufficient hired help and a very competent dad. I do understand that sexy dressing requires the right setting. However, she knows that any location with ample privacy and comfort to her is the least i expect.My wife does try now and again after the sexual frustration sets in and she is reminded that she has to play the part of the woman. A guy needs to be reminded in any small way of the beauty of a woman even if it is a bare arm.So it is that i have become exhausted and distance myself..why do i have to beg?. And is it so much to ask of a woman. Worse still i encourage her to go the gym or jogging with me but that happens then stops as soon as it started. I follow a good diet, keep in shape and try to present myself in new and exciting ways at all times. I do not want a perfect body...its just that i really admire any woman that takes care of her body.I have previously tried cold turkey, intentionally avoiding sex...it went on for months but still no attempt. After the make up sex it was back to plain old lack of adventure.On the contrary, I think i am a creative person as i surprise her at the most unexpected times both simply and lavishly.Her reasons are that it is not her style, culture places some restriction, it is slutty, it is not appropriate, she is not comfortable, i should make the advances and the most frustrating of all...i always go back to the same issue. Quite simple then, this issue is of vital importance to me, our marriage,family and deserves immediated attention due to its long standing nature.I cannot understand why the indifference since my wife has all the means and resources to simply take care of herself and presenst herself in a powerfully womanly way at the appropriate times. I am now tired of trying and have decided to simply remove myself from the physical equation. As devastating as it may be since our little boy is involved, i will hold out for as long as possible but no further. I feel in many ways that the bright and bubbly me has been lost and i miss that. I would appreciate any feasible explanation or suggestion that you can offer...thank you.
View related questions:
money, underwear Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): That was the most unsexy time in my life. When the baby kept me up at night, it was hard to just function.
I really needed someone to give me a break, like once a week to take time for myself. But the person MUST insist for me to go(and be happy about watching my baby) so I wouldn't feel guilty about it.
Someone needs to step in and tell her to take time for herself, and it's not a selfish thing to do occassionally. And like Gina said, there can be a mild depression if she's trying to 'find her way' as a mother and adjust.
Also, it was very helpful for me when I met once a week at MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) to talk and feel connected to other women with babies. It was very encouraging to get advice and care about each other.
A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Gina's answer is excellent (as always). She brings up some very good issues, namely:
- Has your wife always been like this? Did you enter the marriage liking (or loving) some things about her, but with the intent of changing others? People are capable of change, but they have to want to change. It is not fair for our partner to expect us to change after marriage. We have to go into the marriage knowing what we're dealing with. If we can't accept that, then we have no business marrying that person in the first place.
I think your wife may be suffering low self-esteem, especially since the birth of your baby, but possibly prior to that. She probably feels as though you have been putting pressure on her to be someone she is not, nor has any desire to be. In turn, she will start to feel badly about herself b/c she is not the woman you want her or expect her to be. On top of that, you are now avoiding her from a physical standpoint, which is only going to make her feel that much worse and undesirable.
It is a conflicting message. On one hand, she is probably relieved that you are not making advances, for she probably does not have any desire, due to the demands of your baby and also due to her low self-esteem (that can play greatly into our libido - if we don't feel desirable, then how can we desire someone else?). On the other hand, your not making advances is reaffirming in her mind that she is unworthy and that she is not desirable. It's a catch-22.
I don't know the extent of your withholding from her...are you also withholding affection? Telling her that you love her? Telling her how you feel about her?
I think you will have to ease up on the pressure and revisit the physical aspect of your marriage. Maybe you could start with non-sexual displays of affection for a few weeks (kisses, hugs, back rubs), graduating to erotic touching and teasing without advancing to intercourse for a few weeks, and eventually over time working back up to intercourse (I've read that this is a great way to reintroduce sex back into a relationship, esp. when a partner is suffering from depression and/or low self-esteem). I also think your wife will need to learn how to become more comfortable with herself and her sexuality, so that she can ultimately fulfill at least some of your needs as a man, even if she is not doing everything you are asking of her. I think counseling with a sex therapist or marriage counseler would also be of help, as well as possibly individual counseling for your wife so she can rebuild her self-esteem back up and cope with the depression, if that is what she's going through. This is all, of course, if you want to save your marriage and help your wife.
On a final note, to me, beauty, intelligence, and success in themselves are sexy, without the provocative clothing. But, that is from a woman's perspective...this woman's perspective, anyway...but I can understand how, being a man, you would want to spice things up a little for excitement. I know how you men are visual creatures!
...............................
|
