A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Hi i wrote on this site a while ago after i found out about my husbands 3 affairs.Since then we have tried to work things out i accept some of the blame as to why he cheated but feel that he should of talked about the way he felt at the time.In my mind if he felt that i only wanted him for what i could get then why didn't he leave instead of having the affairs?since July 08 when we have argued he has hit me which in 20 yrs of marriage he had never done he said its because i keep going on about the affairs and he just wants to forget and make up to me for all the things that he did that hurt me. Am i wrong to want answers? Should i just shut up as i know things are fine as long as i dont mention the past?I trying so hard to learn to trust him and believe that he's sorry.I was going to leave but had no where to go i have no friends or family that could take me in, i could have called the police but i love him and would not want to do that to him as some of it is my fault for not being able to keep my mouth shut.I's be grateful for your thoughts, Can we get though this or am i kidding myself that he is sorry? He won't have any more affairs, things have been ok for 2 weeks with no rows and i have not said anything about what he had done in the past.
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female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (3 February 2009):
He has to understand that it takes a very long time to work through what he's done to you. The repercussions are huge and long-standing. He can't expect to talk about it once or twice and then move on and forget about it, as if it never happened. It just doesn't work that way. He's got to pay the piper, he's got to suffer the consequences of his cheating. If you are willing to try and forgive him (I wouldn't, but I'm not you), then he will have to try and tolerate the times when you are still feeling angry or hurt or any other number of negative emotions relating to his cheating. He is going to have to let you talk about your feelings and your emotions, like it or not. It is the only way to fully work through it.
When something like this happens, it can take several years before the partner cheated on even begins to start to trust the cheater again. You are not wrong to want answers - that is part of the healing process.
The affairs are not your fault, and his hitting you is not your fault. He owed it to you to first talk to you about any needs he was having that weren't being met in your marriage, or to leave, before committing infidelity. He owes it to you to allow you to talk about the cheating, whether that be asking questions or venting your feelings. That is the only way to work through it, get past it, and move beyond it. It is the only way to regain the trust again. If you can't talk about it, how are you supposed to sort through it? If you have to hide it, bury it, it will always be there, unresolved.
If you must stay with him, I would strongly suggest marriage counseling, and possibly even individual therapy. The fact that he hit you is very alarming, even if he's never done so before. That needs to be examined and addressed. Usually once that door is open, it only gets worse from there.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (3 February 2009):
 First, he hit you and you said it's partially your fault. I would have to disagree. Even though you couldn't keep your mouth shut, it's still his choice to hit. That's can't be blamed on anything else but his making that choice.
I don't agree with you staying with him, since he physically struck you. But if you want to move past the cheating, here's what I want you to do. No taking about why he did what he did. Sit him down, and tell him he just has to sit there and listen, and no interrupting. When he's sitting there, you do the talking or yelling, however you choose to communicate, and you tell him how his behavior affected you and your marriage. Once you get all that off your chest, it will be much easier for you to forgive and move past this.
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A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (3 February 2009):
 he was wrong to hit you, if he does it again you need to tell the police. if he loved you he wouldn't hit you. if i was cheated on i would have to leave him as without trust a relationship isnt worth anything! i can understand that you want answers, i would too. in a calm mutual environment try raising the subject. warn him that you want to talk to him prior. when talking to him tell him how you feel, express that you wont be fully happy without answers. make him aware that you dont want to argue, you dont want to judge and you dont want to babble on. organise your thoughts, you could even write down points that you want to bring up. at the end of the day follow your heart! keep me updated.xx
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