A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Here's a question for anyone who thinks they understand a mans mind!I was with my ex boyfriend for a year. Lived together from 3 months, looking back it was too soon and it caused problems. We did/do get on amazingly well, we have a very deep connection that I haven't experienced before or since. We both had our own insecurities - me about his ex girlfriend who was constantly around, him having convinced himself I wasn't truly in love with him - just before we broke up he had been doing long stints of working away and since we broke up he told me he became very depressed while he was away, had too much time to think, and convinced himself all sorts of things.It's now been 4 months. He's recently pushed for us getting back to friends, and then started on about wanting to have a little more. I told him I didn't want to be purely a "f*ck buddy" and he replied he didn't wither - he wants to go out to dinner, have nights in, obviously be intimate, but also cuddles and kisses. I got the impression he wanted to ease back into the relationship, as he said, "we can see where it leads to".The other night he was drunk and texting me, and when I asked him to be honest if he could see me being his girlfriend again in the future, he said he didn't know. He said he really misses me, he thinks I'm beautiful, but he can't give me commitment right now and doesn't know what the future holds.He also admitted that on a couple of occasions, after coming home from working away and finding me and my belongings gone from the flat (HE was the one who ended it and asked me to have moved out by the time he got back) he had considered suicide. He has told me he feels he has nothing good in his life, his family life is a wreck, he has alot of friends who he is always going out drinking with, but I don't think he is close to them or trusts them at all. He has told me he trusts me 100% which is why he wants me in his life.He seems really depressed at the moment, he puts a big front on in front of everyone but I think because he is comfortable with me he can let the front down and show me his real feelings, how depressed he is.So what's going on inside his head??Does he want a f*ck buddy, a girlfriend or a friend?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 I think he is not so mysterious, he told you very clearly the kind of relationship he wants. Something not only physical ( not a booty call ) - something with space for companionship ,friendship and affection. BUT without committment, promises, ecpectations. Without it having necessarily to lead anywhere or go to a further level of closeness ( like living together again ). And ,probably, ( he did not tell you but it's sort of implied ) without obligations of monogamy.
Disregard the "we can see where it leads to " ,it is just jargon to mean " I am not promising you anything ". I don't think he is consciously easing himself back into a regular relationship and I am afraid that if you have expectations about that you might be disappointed.
Which of course it does not mean it cannot ever happen, with time and proximity it may happen that you rekindle the flame. Just don't bet the family farm on it.
Men are not so complex after all, in fact they tend to be very basic. If he had wanted you back as before- he would have said "I want you back " and he would have pursued you with the determination of a tank. Nothing of this hemming and hawing and easing back into relationship.
He wants what he says : sex and your support and hanging out sometime. No more and no less.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): I think the reason why he is so indecisive is because he really does love you and he treasures the time you guys spent together. but because of your guy's problems and insecurities it made you guys feel like it would be better to just let go and move on. but after awhile you both got lonely and missed each other's presence(talking everyday, hugging, cuddling, kissing, etc). but him telling you to move out is just another front that he puts on to make it seem like he isnt hurt. lets face it all guys have egos. still wanting to be with the person you love is natural but i think he just doesnt want to have to deal with all the problems and deal with letting go again. so being together but not actually together was his way to go. then if things do work out, you could get back together. and if it doesnt, then you guys dont have to go through the process of an actual breakup again. but honestly, if you really love someone, then you would go out of your way to make things work. even if you know that you will get hurt. you would put them before your pride. you might even lose yourself in the process in fear of losing them. if he isnt willing to do that and you realize that you are both not happy anymore then maybe it actually is over. even if you guys do get back together after all the wait, do you honestly think that you'd be happy again? his mind is filled with confusion right now. and im sure yours is too. from an outsider's persepective, i dont know how things are between the two of you. but from what i've read. i can tell that he loves you and he is having a hard time letting go. however, eventually you guys will both move on. and maybe this will lead you and him to someone new. the only hard part is putting up with the torture after you really do decide to let go.
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A
female
reader, powderedheart  +, writes (23 April 2008):
hi, along with a few of the other respondents, i feel im in a similar situation too,
he needs, to figure out himself out first. im sure you want to be there for him, and i want to be there for mine too, i tried for 3 months, waiting for him and he strung me along. wouldn't give me a straight answer, when we do see each other, we're snuggling and he kisses me with such wonderful kisses that i think he wants us together again, and i ask him, and he says, he doesn't know, he just needs time for himself. and needs time alone. for your situation, you need to i guess, let him find himself, if you think he is worth it, then, i guess you could wait for him to sort himself out. but there's no guarentee that he will, and you would have been wasting your time on him while you could have found someone better suited for you. but it depends on if you think this relationship is worth it. he's got issues, that will only hurt you more, the longer you stay in his life. you want to care, but he's not making it easy, by not giving you a straight answer. the best thing for you to do, is to move on with your life. and if one day, he does sort himself out, maybe something can happen, but for now. you deserve better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): i know how you feel, i'm in a similar situation.i'm not sure what i'm going to do about mine and not everyone is the same but heres what i think. HE obviously doesn't know what he wants. he is either genuinely depressed or playing on it(u know him best), but why should you be his personal agony aunt or f buddy. what i'm doin with my ex is ignoring him..if they don't want to be in a relationship then why contact you all the time. it's stringing you along and stopping you from moving on. i know deep down you're probably like me and want things to work out with ex but be careful he isn't just using you. work out what YOU want, i know you can't just stop your feelings but are you gonna end up feeling worse if you offer him support and he then doesn't want to get back with you? i know i would feel used. it sounds so much like my scenario it's unreal!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): I agree with rhythmandblues2: he is emotionaly unstable, and it would be risky getting involved.
He needs to heal on his own terms, and right now, he needs a f* buddy like he needs a hole in the head. He is depressed, and what is bothering him, no one knows, especially himself, and he will need allot of time alone and a small select group of people to cheer him on every so often. His drink buddies will be of little help for his condition. Unless you've studied physco-therapy and want to be a mother to an adult, you'd be better of staying away, even if it means changing your phone number.
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A
male
reader, Collusion  +, writes (21 April 2008):
He's depressed, and he's reaching to you for help. At the very least, you should try to get him to go see a counsellor and try to be there for him as a friend.
I'm not quite so cynical as some of the other respondents, if you want to pursue more with him, then do so, but he definitely sounds like he needs someone as a friend anyway.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Hi, this guy is emotionally unavailable. He is depressed, he asked you to move out, he just wants to be friends, with something more like f buddies.....Clearly he is not ready to be your boyfriend or anyone elses.
Is this good enough for you? Do you want to waste your time just because he is cute or cool or whatever adjective you want to chooose? He is not in love with you, he can't love you so your love is wasted on an empty vessel....let him go, get fed up, move on and let a real love into your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): If i could understand a blokes head then i would be a millionnaire, honestly they are on another planet. He sounds very confused and mixed up and just not right for you. He will f your brains in. I know because my bloke did this to me and i ended up bringing our son up on my own. Please keep away from him and meet someone who you so rightly deserve. Mail me if you want, i know what you are going through.
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