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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can I accept myself? It seems so difficult. I like my personality, my brains... I just don't like my looks. And sadly, appearance is the most obvious part of a person. I feel like I'm never thin, despite being at a normal weight, I still get rolls, especially around my lower body, which is were I put on most fat, so I look freakishly disproportioned. I feel I look not like a pear, but a bell! I have such small breasts. I hate it. Men seem so obsessed with big breasts... and rationally I know it doesn't matter, but emotionally I just get sick tired of it! It makes me feel inferior...It also seems that men prefer blond bombshells with blue or green eyes, at least where I live, where we're all brunette with brown eyes. I'm a brunette with brown eyes. I think it looks so boring... but then Kim Kardashian is so gorgeous, except I look nothing like her, sadly :( So I can't look up to her as a role model, because she has better facial features. I'm just so tired of all the messages from the media and the reactions men have to it. I know, I know, it's just fantasy, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt... at least for me. I wish I could be seen in the same light as those women are, as beautiful, gorgeous, sexy, especially by my boyfriend. But I guess I'm just normal, or even plain and ugly, to most people who see me.I'm tired of hating what I see in the mirror. I watch my diet and work out every day, but weight loss is so slow... I will also never have a gorgeous body, because it seems that no matter how thin I am, my upper body will always look tiny compared to my huge, gross, lower body.Does anyone know if hypnosis, or any other sort of alternative therapy works for self acceptance? Because I've tried all those forms of positive thinking, like saying things out loud in front of the mirror, replacing bad thoughts with positive ones, making "pros" lists, etc... and I just can't accept myself. I feel so ugly that I constantly feel like all I want is to be gorgeous... since human beings will never stop being shallow.
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 It sounds to me like you have body dysmorphia so I suggest you speak to a doctor who can refer you to a therapist. No amount of people on here will convince you that you are not ugly and men don't want what the media portray - you have some very real and fairly serious issues with self esteem and body dysmorphia, these can be treated but you do need to seek help from a professional.
All the other answers you have received are fantastic, and if any of it sinks in that's great. But knowing body dysmorphia, even brad pitt asking you out and telling you how beautiful you are still would not make a difference. It means that no matter what is really in the mirror, you will always see a negative projection of yourself and will always believe what your brain is telling you rather than what your eyes are seeing in the mirror.
Please get help for this soon, before it gets any worse and takes over your life completely.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): Hypnosis may help but I if what you are looking for is a fix-it-all-in-one-shot cure I don't think you will find it in hypnosis alone. You have a case of the "grass is greener" complex. You may not realise it but you do. When I was a pre teen I was really chubby and unattractive. Like mega. Like you, I wanted more than anything to be skinny and beautiful. Luckily I shed all the weight I had and by the time I was 14 and throughout my teens I was stunning. Skinny, proportionate body, beautiful face. Long brown hair, brown eyes. So once I was physically everything I dreamed for and more I realised that looks aren't everything. I was pretty but I acted like an idiot. I was super immature and just silly. I could get guys but they never stuck around all that long. I realised that to attract the kind of guy I wanted (intelligent, good family, ambitious, accomplished) I had to step up my game. Looks are NOT everything. So I started taking up all sorts of intellectual and artistic and physical pursuits. I started playing tennis and got really good. I started painting with watercolors. I learned a third language. I took up an interest and started reading all about politics and philosophy. I was lucky enough to travel and see other lands. I actually became a really interesting woman and that, much more than my looks, gave me confidence. And that much more than my looks, made me interesting to boys. Looks can only get you so far. Any man will tell you a confident woman is way more attractive than a beautiful girl with no self esteem. It's true. Intellect and knowledge will give you ALOT more confidence than a nice body alone. Just saying...It is sad that you seem to think that our society is so shallow. You have the choice to turn off the tv so you are not influenced by it. Frankly I don't watch much tv, never have. I agree that alot of the messages in the media are hideous. But you have the choice to not be influenced by it. Just turn it off. Cancel your cable even. Maybe if you stopped watching so much tv (there are PLENTY of people in our generation/age group who don't watch tv by choice) and instead started doing other things, take up fishing or rowing, take up a sport like tennis or skiing, read some good authors instead of watching reality tv, get a part time internship at an organization you like to occupy your time, get a hobby...Frankly if you occupied your time with other stuff beside watching tv and the media which supposedly you hate anyway then I think you wouldn't be so worried with this problem.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Hmmm...I believe that looks are important to a certain extent, in the sense that if you look relatively healthy, you actually care about your health. Your looks in terms of what you do to keep them up is reflective of your personality. If you are exercising regularly and eating right, then you will have the right results. That does not mean doing twenty situps and then eating 4000 calories expecting to be fit. It means spending a half hour 3+ times a week doing something that increases your heart rate, etc. while eating enough to stay full the entire day but not crushing cookies left and right. If you do what you can, people will accept you for who you are. It is the people that are literally 5' and 250 pounds that do nothing that people dislike for complaining. You seem to be a person that does what she needs to stay in shape, etc. You are doing what you can and if you are in good shape, then you are fine. I don't think anyone has any issues with you, but you. The only reason why you have issues with you is because you think others won't accept you. How many guys get the blond bombshells? Very few. How many blond bombshells know they are hot? Very few. How many blond bombshells secretly feel they are ugly and fat. Very many! My point is you are not alone and you are not ugly. You think that you are ugly, because you are a human being. It is human nature to doubt yourself in this society. Big titted women want smaller ones and small titted women want bigger ones. We are naturally dissatisfied with our current , which is why we move forward and progress. I know it is cliche, but be yourself, do what you can to get in perfect shape, or as close to perfection as you can get, and go with that. Hypnosis is not the answer. Accepting you for who you are naturally is.Anyway, I hope that helped.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): 1. We guys love small boobs, even guys who preference is big ones, love small boobs. Boobs are boobs we love them all.
2. I love brunettes more than I like blondes, blondes are boring especially the fake blondes. I love brown eyes too.
Again regardless of preferences guys don't really care what hair colour you are or what eye colour you have.
3. You're working out way too much and if your diet is strict too then you're actually slowing down the rate of fat burning. Only workout every second day, otherwise you're just forcing your body to eat your muscles and store fat because it thinks you're starving. Add resistance and/or cardio training to your workouts and start regulating your calories but don't "diet", just eat healthily.
4. Your problem is not self acceptance, you want the acceptance of others based on a flawed image of what you think guys want or think is beautiful. It is you that has turned into a sucker for the media portrayal of women, not us. You're the one looking at unrealistic images of a body you're probably genetically predisposed never to have. Your own body is beautiful, we men like all shapes and sizes including yours so it's you that has to learn to ignore the kim kardashians of this world because you don't have the same genetic make up as them. Just work out and get fit and your body will look beautiful in its own shape.
You know I'd love to have the body daniel craig has in james bond but I have a different body shape to him, so I looked around to see who had a similar shape to mine but toned and how they looked, set myself their physique as my goal. Your body type sounds similar to hayden panattiere look at the shape women have when they have a similar physique to yours and you'll see it too is beautiful shape body.
Actually most of us human beings aren't shallow, the media just likes to portray things that way, because simply tight toned body sells more soap. That doesn't mean we go out there looking for women that look like that, we love all women.
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A
female
reader, Ima FreAk! +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Hiyaaaa,The media is a load of bollocks they only portray like 1% of women, I mean does everyone look like Keira Knightly that thin! I mean if we all did than there wouldn't be KFC! and I like KFC! Honestly guys actually prefer women with curvy bodies despite me being a female I read it in a magazine once that men like women with curvy body and it's pretty simple... would you like a guy that is skinny?(Personally it would freak me out because if I hugged him I could break him!)All these therapies doesn't work because it's about confident in yourself and are you willing to accept who you are? If your not willing to accept who you are than nothing is ever gonna work! I know it's hard to accept who you are by everyone has flaws.So long as your healthy that is the best principle because if you end up dieting too much it can drive men crazy because guys hate hearing from a girl "I'm on a diet" when a gentlemen kindly takes you out for dinner. I mean even when I go out with my friends and one says I'm on a diet I would get pissed because I'm like we don't go out often because of studies and then you totally ruin the day!You may not like what you see in the mirror but honestly see traits that you like for example your skin, nails, eyelashes etc... because you've got to start learning to accept yourself and take one step at a time.So start admiring yourself in the mirror snow white!Hope my advice helps!Good luck and be HAPPY! Smillllllllle :DLots of love,Ima FreAk!x
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