A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I met my partner about 3 years ago, she has children from a past relationship (8 year old boy and 11 year old girl). We are expecting a baby in the next 2 months. The children are constantly speaking to my partner about what they are going to do/ take charge of and when I try to engage with them it’s just not working as if it’s going to just be mummy’s baby and I’m not going to be it’s dad (as I’m not their dad, just their step dad). As this is going to be my first child, I very much want to form a strong bond with him, and don’t want to feel pushed out.. We have a cat that always seems to jump on my knee and the 8 year old comes over, scoops the cat up and walks off with it. This is just an example of what I don’t want to happen all the time with the baby..I feel like I need to have a chat with my partner about this and then need to chat with the children together. The dynamics at the moment seem very much like mummy is the boss, and I want this to change to mummy and ‘I’ are boss with the new baby coming along.Any thoughts and advice would be hugely appreciated! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 January 2021): Seems to me you just need to talk, why are you not tackling these things as you go along? If you are great, if your not and expecting their mom to do it then no wonder they see her as boss! Kids live for the moment and chats after the event don’t cut it! You need to step up and discipline them in the same way she does! She can back you up but all kids need telling, they are learning, the are not born knowing!
When the baby is born you need to treat all of them the same and then they will see you as a dad to them and the baby.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2021): I suppose you dated and courted their mother; but you didn't make any special effort to bond with the kids at the same time. You more or less barged into the their lives; and never ingratiated yourself to make them feel any emotional-attachment towards you. Here we are, three years later, yet no change?
They were only five and eight when you met their mother. That's a very malleable and impressionable age for children. They respond to kindness, attention, and affection. They easily grow attachments to their teachers, coaches, kindly-neighbors, and adult-figures that make them feel safe, loved, and appreciated in some-way. Even if they've endured a divorce, or their dad abandoned them; they'll grow used to the man who takes care of them, and they'll slowly grow attached. Children like to be understood and feel protected. If you try to be their buddy, they will not respect you as an authority-figure. Forcing discipline on them without love first, only makes them resent and reject you.
Now you feel resentful, because their love didn't just happen spontaneously; with no effort on your part first. You're the outsider...remember? What did you ever do to make them feel you care about them? Superficial effort like just being nice to them, or giving them what they want won't cut-it!
If your efforts seem forced, or if you use bribery; they can see right through it!
If you never share your time with them, play with them, make them laugh, and teach them things. They'll feel you're disinterested in their feelings; and don't care about them. You just want their mother all to yourself. Instead, you see them as your little pint-sized adversaries or competitors. They will ignore you, pull-away, and show distrust; because they think you're trying to replace their father. Now you've made your own baby, just to takeaway their mother's attention to focus on a baby. You wouldn't feel left-out; if you didn't make them feel left-out first! You focus all your love and affection on their mother; and tolerate their presence. That's how they see it. Hence, they tolerate you; because they can't kick you out!
The children are old enough to form their own opinions. They have an underdeveloped sense of judgement. They can set their own boundaries, and shut-out people they don't like. They will do their best to have things their way. They are old enough to realize that you're not their biological-father; and call themselves putting up walls. You've let too much time pass without acting like a dad to them. Just a grown-up who can bully them; if they don't behave to your satisfaction. Otherwise, you feel intimidated into playing Mr. Nice-guy; while they behave like brats to piss you off. You must be dying to turn them over your knee for a spanking! Maybe move them in with their dad!
You have to be careful not to perceive the minds of children as complex as that of adults; they don't operate on the same level of logic or judgement. Yes, they can be manipulative, mean, and cunning. What you've described is how they'll treat you; because they don't think you really know them, or have any real feelings for them. It takes time to adopt you as close as a father.
They don't know any better. They're just kids! You see them as "your wife's children!" If you saw them as your own, you would have gone out of your way to bond with them; in spite of their every attempt to reject you. How much power do an 8 year-old or l1 year-old have over a grown-man? Think of how you wanted to be treated as a kid, and that's the same way they want to be treated!
You can't force their feelings, you grow on them gradually over time. They're not old enough to know how to block their emotions; without giving-in to your warm fatherly-charms...if you've ever actually used them! Better start! Teenagers are harder to win over. Kids their age, are smart; but they're just being stubborn. At any age, they feel they've got rights; but don't have the maturity or aptitude to know what to do with them. It takes the effort of both parents working together to change this. You are going to be a biological-father soon; but missed your golden-opportunity to practice on the ones you've already got! If you feel nothing for them, they know it!
Your partner has neglected to urge you all to come together as a family unit; not just as "the man who married mommy...without their permission." Their objective is to convey the message that "we have a dad, and we don't have to accept him if we don't want to!" Oh but you do, kiddies; because he's not going anywhere anytime soon! When there is no other man living with them and taking care of them; you're not just a step-dad...you're dad!!!
Your partner probably likes the fact that she has exclusive influence over their loyalties; but that's not how you meld and blend a family. Otherwise, she would have intervened a long-time ago! You're not a guest or a visitor, you're their live-in father. They may find it convenient to use the term "step-father;" because it denotes a "technicality." A degree of separation! Have you ever told them you want to be their father too? It's not a suggestion, or asking their permission. It's stating a fact!
You have married their mother; and you've assumed the role of their provider and protector. You are also a figure of authority in the household. You don't have to negotiate, nor intimidate them into accepting you. It's a given! You simply show them affection, set the rules; and always include your partner as backup, when it comes time for correction or discipline. Stop letting them behave like they're your parent, and be their parent. When he took the cat away, you should have asked him to "bring the cat back, please!" They will keep up this behavior, until they are snotty and unruly-teenagers; and then you'll feel forced to use bullying and intimidation to gain their respect.
Have a deep discussion with your mate first; and tell her exactly what you've told us. Then have a family-meeting, and tell them how they're making you feel as though you're not a part of the family. Ask them how would they feel if you only loved the baby, and couldn't see them as family too? Wouldn't that be unfair? Wouldn't it hurt their feelings? Let them know it hurts your feelings! It does! Remind them that you are a person with feelings just like they are! That doesn't emasculate you, or show weakness.
You have to relate to them on a human-level. Not just be a boyfriend that will never moved-out!
They are being bratty, as kids from divorced or separated-families behave when they don't accept the fact another man calls himself taking their dad's place. When you're living together and married to their mother, and they are still minors requiring your financial-support and guardianship; you ARE their father! You are a boss in your own house too! Their mother is the other boss, but not yours!
If their biological-father is very active in their lives, you will never take his place. Just let them know you love them, and consider them as much your kids as the new baby. Everyone has to work on being a family. That means being respectful of you as an adult! Like it or not, you are the father-figure in their lives; when no other father is around. If your wife isn't on-board and working beside you; they will always set you apart. You don't have to accept that. You should be their father anyway; until they are old enough to care for themselves. You can't force love, so you have to gain their trust and respect. Affection for you will develop, just by the mere fact that you are good to them; and you treat them like they are your own children. With love, humor, kindness, patience, and discipline.
As long as you see them as "your wife's kids;" that's exactly who they are!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (20 January 2021):
 I think mommy has been "boss" for s long that she isn't sure how to "share" the reins.
Yes, you need to talk to her.
And you need to stop being so passive around "her" kids.
If you let "her" kids boss you around with a mere cat... how do you think they WILL treat you with their sibling?
How involved are you being their STEP dad? You want to form a strong bond with YOUR son, but why don't you have one already with your step children? It makes no sense to me.
You family will be a blended family. You partner is a package deal, always was. It's not you and her and YOUR baby the "kids" over yonder.
I would suggest YOU read some books on HOW to step dad, talk to your wife and instead of "sitting" the kids down and "talk" about it you and your wife SHOW than that YOU two are the PARENTS TM.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): This sounds as if you were not accepted by her children as an equal parent. It usually happens if you are to passive and your partner too controlling.
The balance can be struck if both parties are willing and honest.
This inequality is probably obvious in all of the domains, not just the parenting.
I'm sorry, but the children are probably imitating their mother's behavior in their own way.
You say that the kids are talking to your partner and not including you, what's worse they are ignoring your attempt to join in. It's your partners responsibility to make room for you. To ask you questions, for example, listen to what you have to say and show to their kids that you matter, that you are important to her.
You don't have the problem with the kids. I mean you do, but as a consequence. The root is your partner's lack of respect and the need to share things with you.
Kids are like dogs. They sense things and when in a pack they follow the leader. Sometimes, mothers can be weak and let the kids act out and disrespect their (new) partners. But again, the root problem is the mother/partner.
As I said, I would be surprised that she is not bossy/controlling in other areas as well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2021): Yes I think a chat with your significant other is needed and then all together as a family unit . Tell them how proud you were at being allowed into the family unit . How proud you are of them that your their step-daddy . And how proud you'll be when they become big bro/sister . Say your the daddy and that means you will be holding the baby.. changing the baby and taking them all out to let mummy nap at times and I mean them all even just for a walk .
You need make this family feel as important as you wish to be .
Chin up and congratulations on your new addition to come .
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