A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this girl for almost a year now and I know that she is the one... I feel it deep down inside and I am not ignorant to the desires of my heart or soul.However, there is a slight problem, and that is with her past actions with boyfriends. Althought she never did anything with any of her boyfriends outside of kissing, she did give oral sex to one "friend" but stopped after a mere 15 seconds, after second guessing her actions (thank god).I, on the other hand, have done nothing with any other women... not even kiss. I love this women, with all of my heart and soul and I know that I need to get past the fact that she did what she did and that it was in the past, and what is in the past is, well, in the past... but it hurts me when I think about it. Like I've said, I have forgiven her (even though there is nothing to forgive, its a way of expressing something I guess) but I can not forget about it, even though I have tried...Is this something that I need to wait for time to "heal"? Or is there something wrong with me? I know this girl is the one I want to marry, she brings me so much happiness and helped me overcome the hardest parts of my life and really did save my life... I just wish there was some kind of way for me to think about what she did and solve my problem rather then keep it inside... I have talked to her, of course, and she cries and apologizes and I know she means good, I feel it from her heart. Like I said, this is more about me then it is about her. Does anyone have any advice about overcoming your lover's past (albeit this one is a simple hump, yet I exaggerate it into a mountain).
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 It is not your decision, not up to you to wait time to heal.
If there is any healing to do, it is by your girlfriend of feeling guilty about doing something she now regrets.
This healing/guilt is for girlfriend, nothing to do with you really. It is her past not yours.
If you want to move on and not lose this girl, you must forget her past and enjoying the present that you both are now sharing.
How you behave in the present is what you can control.
You cannot do anything about the past which no longer exists. What is important is now.
You may not have done anything more with girls in your past, but I am sure that you have done something in life which you now regret (nobody is that perfect). Realizing this will help to empathise with what she is feeling at the moment.
When we regret an action or feel ashamed about something, the last thing we want is to be reminded of it. She may be her own worse judge already and it is her responsibility to learn from her actions, it is not up to you to judge her.
The process of not judging people may be difficult as we may not agree with someones actions but it is within our right as human beings to learn for ourselves.
Be grateful of what you have now and enjoy life for what it is, this journey is far to short and precious to waste on what was, had, what if's. Past cannot be changed.
There is no magical answer to reassure you about forgetting her past, this is a process you need to overcome in your mind to allow yourself to be happy.
Focus on making yourselves happy, life is sometimes what you make it. You have the choice to either driving yourselves miserable reliving the past or enjoying a beautiful relationship with the one you love. Your choice.
Life will bring new challenges which may test your relationship, meanwhile build it with trust and respect for one another and be ready for whatever comes your way.
Good luck and take care
Angel of Love
x
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 Listen to Eddie, man. That's all you need.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2007): You're lucky she apologises for what she's not guilty of. Your problem is being jealous of her past, which you're aware of. Assuming this relationship won't work, are you going to stay lonely the rest of your life? Since it's forbidden to have a love past?... I say you have to seriously reconsider this, and not let her apologise again, her past is not piece of your property... To overcome this - just think logical about it, it's in your mind, only you can control it.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (12 July 2007):
 It's good to know you realize you've made a mountain from a mole hill. I suggest that every time you feel like mentioning this to her, you go for a walk.
As you said, she owes you no apology. The conversation should never have taken place in such detail. The proof is in your reaction to the answers you go to the questions asked. Some things are better left alone.
Let's look at the mechanics of what happened. This has helped me before. You can not ease what happened, only understand it.
1- she's a human being with feelings and attractions. This includes the time before she met you and with other guys. This makes her normal and that's a good thing.
2- who we are today is a product of our experiences from the past and goals for the future. You like what you have today, be happy. If you want to have her tomorrow, don't mention this any more.
3- if the two of you broke up in 5 years, would she be less worthy because of the sexual things that occurred between the two of you? The answer is no.
4- back tot he mechanics....she is designed and built to feel attraction. So was the guy she was with. It's normal and to be expected. I imagine, by her young age that her first try at oral sex was probably the guys idea. If you have a picture in your mind of her ravaging his penis, it probably didn't go down like that.
5- Accept that you're wrong and if you can't, don't drag her down the toilet on this and make her feel bad about it. She's human and we learn as we go. You should really be ashamed that your conversations get to the point that she actually cries about this. What kind of feelings do you want her to have for you when she meets another nice guy? Do you want her to think..." I've got a really great boyfriend who loves me"..... or...."I wish he'd stop making me feel guilty all the time. This new guy at works seems so grounded. He wouldn't treat me that way"...
So,everything that happened is normal and part of life. Some things are more difficult to accept but that doesn't validate your treatment of her. It only shows that you have to solve this issue before you ruin your relationship. If you obsess about this, talk to a professional as the thoughts could get worse.
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