A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Can someone please tell me what confidence is? Girls always say confidence is sexy, but there's a problem with that.I am extremely confident at everything I do. Any new endeavor, sport, test, competition, etc. that I take part in, I have a strong belief in my own ability to succeed. I am inwardly a very confident person, and almost always end up very good at whatever I put my mind to.On the other hand, when you first meet me, I do not LOOK confident or ACT confident. I don't go around to people saying I believe in myself, and I'm going to succeed. I feel that, but don't project it out to everyone I meet, so that I don't seem like a total asshole. In fact, I generally act the opposite of what I feel, so as to not make others feel bad. My best friend said that until he knew me for a while, he didn't realize how smart I was.Now the thing that annoys me is, I am largely confident in myself, but girls do not like me. I haven't ever had a real relationship, and I've been at university for 2 years now. I am confident, but I am also introverted.So what I would like to say is this. Could all girls please stop saying confidence is sexy. Could all you people just remove it from your vocabulary? Everyone uses it incorrectly. What girls should say is that they find "outward confidence", or a "confident appearance" sexy. A truly confident person on the other hand, is not indicative of sexiness. The truly confident person must also convey their confidence to people around them, in order for the confidence to be witnessed and deemed sexy by the opposite sex. Also, a person can be completely insecure, but still appear confident to members of the opposite sex.An example to prove my point was a music video I saw today on youtube. The lead singer was wearing no shirt, had a bunch of tattoos, and a gay haircut. The top rated comments were girls saying, "OMG he's so confident and hot". For all you know, the guy could literally be the most insecure person in the world, and had to get 100 tattoos because of it... Why do girls think that that is confidence?My main issue with the way the word confidence is used is how people use it to describe something completely superficial (the way someone looks), while the literal definition of the word refers to a quality about someone which is so much more profound.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 OP, it's not either/or, black OR white.
Generally speaking there's a continuum, inward confidence sort of exudes, and translates through body posture, verbal patterns and other " props " into OUTWARD confidence that people ( not just young girls ) find attractive. Outward confidence is the outer face of inward.
Yes,true, I've met quite a few people who could display the signs of outward confidence, while in fact feeling very insecure and vulnerable and self-doubting inside , ( many actors are like that ,for instance ). But I've never met yet a person with a solid , unshakable sense of self worth who could not wear outward confidence graciously and effortlessly, like another skin layer.
I am not talking about arrogance or cockyness or presumption,- just that natural feeling of being at ease within your skin, and satisfied with what you are exactly the way you are, warts and all. This is obviously a very magnetic quality on a mental AND physical level and , so far, I have never seen it lacking in people with a positive self image and a high self esteem.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Listen - it sounds like you just want to vent. If that's all, okay. This is a place for questions and not for venting, but alright.
You're generalizing females - you're making us out to be these superficial chicks who all go for good lines and cons. And yes, some naive young'ns do - they haven't learned when someone is acting and someone is genuine. They want the right things, but get tied up to the wrong guy. And yeah, some women like their men cocky. Okay.
There is a difference between bragging and gloating and telling or showing people your talents. I'm great in the theater and love talking about it with others. I don't (think, at least) that belittles or is arrogant. It's something interesting about me. Theater is just my forté, I'm proud of what I do, and it's always something I'm happy to talk about. I don't hide my talent so others feel bad that they aren't great at theater - we're all good at SOMETHING, and that's my thing. I talk about my passion, then they talk about their passion... conversation ensued, and we fly from there.
Confidence is a state and also a verb. When we talk about confidence, we're definitely using the verb. And I don't think that's superficial at all. Someone can be shy or reserved, but still confident.
Showing confidence doesn't mean you're "that guy". There's Charlie Sheen confidence (which you seem to be implying that we want), and then there's a humbled confidence that is much more attractive. My husband has it, my father has it, my friends boyfriends have it, lots of men I know have this. They can talk about their own passions and strengths in a way that isn't belittling or cocky. It makes them interesting and appealing. It makes you accessible, easy to talk to, appealing.
You sound closed off. That makes it hard for people to warm up to you or get to know who you really are.
Listen, learn, grow. You don't need to change who you are. Just don't be afraid to let people see that wonderful person. It is not arrogant to have pride in your talents. Arrogance is people who want to build themselves up by reducing the status of others. ("Ahh, you're an accountant? That's cute. You could never understand the rush of standing on the stage while the curtain goes up sitting at that desk chair.") Arrogance is people who are always trying to be right, who go out of their way to prove their point or opinion without regard for others. They also don't listen - maybe they'll fake listening (like those con artist fellas), but they're not really. Arrogant people also talk first and think later. They could care less about what they say affecting people. THAT is arrogance. Not confidence.
Socializing is an important part of human development, so let's not trash it as superficial. Being happy with yourself and willing to be open with others is important too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): self-depreciating and apologetic characteristics are unattractive,its like a warning sign that the person has major insecurities and is best avoided. make sure thats not the impression you are giving off
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's funny how you read what I wrote, and take from it that I am "wildly socially insecure" and give off an "I'm better than them" vibe.The reason I don't go around proclaiming all the things I'm good and successful at to my friends is specifically because it gives off an "I'm better than them" vibe. Have you ever been around an arrogant person who belittles you all the time, and constantly brags about himself? I've been around a lot of them, and don't ever want to be like them. Many of them are successful with women go figure.I said "I am extremely confident at everything I do"you said "Well that's sure not confidence, if you feel like you need to hide yourself and your great qualities"Exactly as I was trying to say in my message. Girls find OUTWARD confidence sexy. You feel that we have to SHOW everyone how confident we are, which I think is ridiculous.this is about you having trouble attracting girls because of your "confidence" and your frustration is making you bitter about the semanticsI am not frustrated because girls don't like me. I'm frustrated how girls like you use the word confidence as something profound (like being true to yourself), when what you're attracted to is something a lot more superficial (showing people how good you are, or how comfortable/natural you may act even though you may not feel that way). Being able to act correctly socially is not a virtue, but girls are attracted to it. Being truly confident in yourself is virtuous.The thing I'm trying to get across here that bugs me is that most women aren't attracted to "good" men. Most of the people that I know who are extremely successful with women are some of the worst men I know, and are basically con artists. Some of them are good sales people though. I just wish for the benefit of mankind that women could figure this out.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (15 September 2011):
"I don't go around to people saying I believe in myself, and I'm going to succeed. I feel that, but don't project it out to everyone I meet, so that I don't seem like a total asshole. In fact, I generally act the opposite of what I feel, so as to not make others feel bad."
Well that's sure not confidence, if you feel like you need to hide yourself and your great qualities. It sounds like you have great confidence behind closed doors, but you get out into public and you clam up and make yourself invisible - to not make others feel bad. Why would showing people your talents make them feel bad?
While you sound wildly socially insecure, your letter also kind of gives off an "I'm-better-than-them" vibe. I'm not accusing you of being arrogant - because tone is difficult to really get via typing. But it seems like you may go out and give off vibes that say, I don't want to be here, I'm not on the same level as these people, I'm just going to shut up and let the plebeians do their thing. You might want to be aware of that, because that can turn people off to you.
Confidence is laughter or a smile. Confidence is feeling fine about presenting your real, natural self to people. Confidence is joining the conversation, is introducing yourself to someone new. Confidence is being able to talk about accomplishments of your own (though you can cross the line to overconfidence when you don't care about, appreciate or listen to the accomplishments of others), feeling good about who you are and letting others get to know you.
Don't get hung up on the semantics of the word - this is about you having trouble attracting girls because of your "confidence" and your frustration is making you bitter about the semantics. You're right - there are a lot of people who appear confident on the outside, but are terribly insecure on the inside and vice versa. The universe is all about balance, and pure "confidence" is a balance of both.
Good luck, sweetpea!
p.s. This is just me, but I will not date anyone who uses "gay" as an adjective meaning "bad". That kind of language is hurtful to others (you may not even know you're hurting someone). So, a bit of unsolicited advice - drop hateful words like that out of your vocabulary. That's a word that YOU'RE using incorrectly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2011): Uhm... if you are confident in yourself but then you're like, "man, I really suck," outloud and slump your shoulders, hand your head, and scuff your feet on the ground... people are going to think you are not confident. I get you're trying to be humble, but from what you describe you're being way too humble. Peole can't read minds, you know? It isn't the way you look. You could be wearing the dirtiest clothes that are full of holes, greasy hair, and not shaved for days, etc. But if you are acting like you're wearing an Armani suit and about to go jump into your sports car, then it isn't your appearance. It's your behavior. Confidence is two parts: internal thought process "I rock!" and external behavior which exhibits, "I know who I am, what I am, and I am not ashamed of being me."My husband is a great example. He doesn't walk around going, "I'm such a bad ass! You guys all suck compared to me." No. He is friendly, but shy, but he doesn't hide behind his hands. He is a strong leader. He doesn't take crap. If he has an opinion worth voicing, he shares it and doesn't let people push him around. He will stand up for others who are being bullied. When he walks he holds his head high, shoulder's back, his eyes steady. He is confident and sexy and yes other women notice that, and I notice that. But he's not an arrogant bastard, either. So I think you need to really look at your behavior. Because it sounds like you hide yourself and tha's your problem.
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