A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for twenty years and at the time of marrying my husband he was never one to express his feelings much. At the time I had a couple of young children and we also went on to have more . Life was extremely busy and this met both our needs . As we have gotten older and our children have grown I find I have a growing need for an intimate close relationship with my partner yet he has t changed whatsoever : I read time and time again people saying things like ‘ that’s how he was when you met him so you can’t expect any different . Eventually I went to see a Counselor who confirmed it was not ridiculous of me to expect growth change and for a relationship to evolve . Yet there’s been no growth in our relationship primarily due to his refusal to open up I see on forums repeatedly women being advised to expand their sexual adventurousness and be open to trying new things to keep their husband sexual needs met after years of marriage yet it seems. When it comes to women’s emotional needs men are not told to grow or try and meet their wives needs . These needs seem trivialised and the wives are told to suck it up because ‘ that’s who they married ‘ it’s as if as a woman one is expected to stay married to a man who remains emotionally twenty five and never complain whilst she continues to grow and evolve sexually because his sexual needs reign supreme What is a woman supposed to do if her husband won’t open up emotionally EVER . Is this just something she has to accept because she was too naive to understand the importance of it when she married at the ripe old age of twenty five? Or is divorce her only option where she will likely have wasted most of her best years and end up alone
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male
reader, 2old4this  +, writes (26 May 2020):
 I'm going to be frank with you, I think some of this is your fault. Not his behavior, but waiting so long and hoping it would change without taking some kind of action. I don't mean divorce, but some kind of therapy or something to get dialogue going. Talking is one of the top things you have to do in marriage. Now, if he won't communicate at all then you may have no other choice but divorce. My grandmother told me a long time ago, when you get married don't ever go into it thinking things will change and never go into it believing it won't. Look at his parents marriage, if they were. Could give you an idea where he gets it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): OP, I am wondering if you would say you have a healthy relationship? Do you believe your husband loves and respects you? Is he a kind, loving person? Does it hurt him when you feel hurt? Does he have empathy? Does he show he loves you and values your marriage in other ways?
Why do I ask? I am exploring the possibility he is emotionally abusive and uses his withholding of emotions to control you. Just like a weapon. Is he insecure, does he need constant validation? Is it possible this man is a narcissist? Is he passive aggressive?
I fear that the longer these emotional needs go unmet, the more resentful you will become. You may begin to act out or lash out. You may begin to withhold sex. You may become emotionally distant yourself as a coping mechanism. In other words, these unmet emotional needs could be a deal breaker. They will eventually erode your self esteem, your ability to feel safe and secure in this relationship and your willingness to be open, loving and vulnerable with your husband. The divide between the two of you will continue to grow because you simply feel unloved by this man. He may not be the emotional type but he should be willing to try. To at least make some efforts to meet you halfway. His saying that's just who he is doesn't hold water. Its just a silly excuse. Anyone can change if it's important enough and if they're willing. How about baby steps?
I am this situation as well. I am becoming more resentful and my walls are higher. It's a shame really. I was thinking the same thing. Imagine if I held off on the sex he loves so much. I'm sure he'd be upset, ask me for more sex and would sulk if he didn't get his way. It's true what you said. Our emotional needs are paramount and equal to their sexual needs. What they don't understand is that in order to get their sexual needs met, they need to take care of our emotional needs first. We don't perform on demand just because they want it yet neglect to take care of us emotionally.
It's a sad tactic but withhold sex for awhile. Be too tired. Try to be cool and pull away just a little. Maybe keep busier with hobbies? This man seems to take you for granted. If he keeps neglecting your needs, chances are you will meet a man who will be much more in tune to your needs. That is the risk he takes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): Women are not taught to be sexually expressive during childhood either . However once they grow up they make an effort . That’s exactly what this guy isn’t doing emotionally . Just because someone isn’t taught how to express themselves in a certain way when they are young that is not an excuse to neglect Trying to communication or express yourself emotionally for the rest of your life just because your q male . This would be no different to a woman saying sorry I wasn’t taught when I was younger to be sexually expressive and even as a young woman I wasn’t given the same freedom to express myself sexually as men are ( the whole men being studs for sleeping with multiple women and women being called whores ) so therefore I can open up sexually with you,
No difference whatsoever
It’s called making an effort and sure people regardless of gender will have varying capacities however everybody can make some effort Imcluding men
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2019): No chi girl that’s incorrect . As I stated I haven’t asked him to become a new person . I’ve asked him to talk to me about his day . I’ve asked hi. To answer me when I ask how he feels about something instead of ignore the question . This is EXACTLY the same as him asking me to try something new in bed . That certainly wasn’t something I learnt as a child . It’s something I extend myself to do In order to help the relationship grow . My oh state that I’m a part of the lack of growth as much as him . How is that exactly when I am the one being expressive , being open and attempting at all turns to improve the relationship . Why is it you assume people are unable to make efforts in relationships simply because the possess a penis. This seems a very sexist view and one that is very limiting. It puts the entire onus for the emotional component on the female and says that the male is exempt from making an effort . He is more than capable of discussing his day with other . Of opening up with his children , his sister etc yet he makes no such effort with me because quite simply he makes no effort with me and uses the same excuses you are using
It’s frankly very disappointing to see ‘advice’ like that here . I wonder what any Counselor in the world would say if you told them a woman should not expect a man to make any emotional energy or input because they are not capable . Men AND women should be offended by your advice imo
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 November 2019):
 I find it odd that you, or others, think your husbands lack of emotional connection is a deliberate choice. Hardly. Its something subconscious that he has been trained to since he was a child (many men are subjected to this), or he simply lacks the ability. Neither is a «refusal of growth». He can try to carry a conversation with you, but he can not be expected to emotionally connect if he doesnt know how to, or lacks the necessary emotional abilities.
Growth in a relationship is not one person growing. It is the relationship growing, an interpersonal growth. You are as much a part of this «lack of growth» as he is.
I dont quite see how you can compare it to a wife trying sexual things in bed. That is like asking him to try new vegetables for dinner. But you do not ask him to try something new. You are asking him to, basically, become a different person. That goes beyond reasonable expectations. That is like him asking you to not want or need emotional connection. You cant just «stop» wanting it, can you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2019): From your update you have tried counselling and now he no longer comes (did he refuse)?
Anyway, it didn't work. He says he is who he is. It doesn't sound like he can or will change. Some men really just AREN'T very in touch with their feelings. Does he show he cares in other ways or not? Is he a consistent presence/ support in the home or does he put you down?
Yes, you have to weigh your options. You can stay and make the best of this, or you can leave.
To be fair, as you know it doesn't sound like his affection has lessened for him towards you, as you say he was always like this.
Good luck OP. Yes, your only two options DO seem to be ;
1) stay and try to make close women friends who can emotionally support you and accept your husband just DOESN"T have this capacity.
2) Leave and try to find love on a second round, but obviously this has risks, one main one being you STILL don't find a man who satisfies you emotionally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): And yes I’ve been very specific with him . As in ‘ I need yoh to talk to me about your day ‘ I would like you to spend time without your phone just with me ‘ or I would like you to not dismiss every emotion or feeling I have as did bigots or silly . He flat out tells me repeatedly that all emotions are silly and trivial . I simply couldn’t be more explicit in what I need
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 November 2019):
 I am quite a few years older than you and have had a number of long-term relationships. If there is one thing I have learned about men (and people in general really) it is that, if you want something, you have to be SPECIFIC. It is pointless saying things like "I need you to help me around the house more". What you NEED to say is "I need you to take out the rubbish when the bin is full/wash the dishes after each meal/mow the lawn when the grass gets too long", etc.
Similarly in YOUR situation, you need to be SPECIFIC. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you have tried to speak to your husband about what you need. What have you actually asked for though? Have you said "I need you to open up emotionally to me" or have you given him SPECIFICS you need, e.g. "I need you to give me a hug when I sit down after being on my feet all day" or "I need you to listen to me when I need to sound off after having a hard day" or WHATEVER it is that YOU need from him.
Similarly in the bedroom. You need to tell him EXACTLY what you would like to try. Don't expect him to know, even after all these years, especially if he has been doing things the same all these years and you have not said anything. As you say, YOU are the one who has changed. Nothing wrong with that but, if you don't explain it to him, how is he to know?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): Op here . I should mention that yes I have told him , many times. He simply says he is how he is and it won’t be changing . We’ve done therapy . I now do it alone . It’s not about trying to change someone it’s about expecting someone to grow and evolve and share a part of themselves which he refuses to do . If I refused to share myself sexually this would be completely unacceptable to him . I’ve told him this and I get the same line ‘ I am just who I am ‘ It’s an apathy . Sure men may be taught less how to be emotionally expressing ( just as women are taught to be less sexually expressive on our culture ) nut there seems to be no importance placed on women’s emotional needs compared to men’s sexual needs and a whole lot of sexist excuses around why women just need to accept it . I’m at a lose and feel I’ve tried everything but I get the same , excuses from him , accusations about being unrealistic for wanting a partner to TRY and learn to be more sharing and open. I’m not expecting some romantic lothario , I just want someone who cares enough to make a little effort in sharing a little bit of how he feels about anything anything at all in life
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): My dear, I fully understand your feelings; and I'm not one of those people who believes everything "emotional" should rest solely on the shoulders of the wife or girlfriend. No relationship is a total 50/50...somebody always gives or receives a lesser margin.
This will be a lecture. You can read it, or skip it! Others will respond shortly.
Please don't forget that females are better at expressing emotions and more in-touch with their feelings than we men are. We have all the same human-emotions, but society has designed and blueprinted certain gender-specific behavior to what's expected of a male or a female. Not only has nature made us different; but society and technology conditions our behavior. As they say, it is either learned or instinctive. Humans can reason and communicate. We are complex; and able to interact on many different levels, and in many different ways. Too many factors work against doing that these days! Social media and the entertainment industry being the main culprits!
Now we have to look deeper into the matter than just sexually. Women in their late 30's to 50's are at their sexual-peak; while testosterone levels for men starts to decline around 35. Who can fight nature's design? Some people have sex-lives that flame-on indefinitely; while others seem to fizzle-out. Only God in His infinite-wisdom knows why that happens. Prayer helps to change that; if you believe and worship God. He saves marriages and families. To many, He's just a myth and unscientific. So rely on human-intelligence and worldly-methods, if that's all you can believe in. Man's knowledge is limited; so many lose hope for the lack of answers. So sad!
Here's the thing. We choose our life-partners according to certain preset-criteria, immediate-attraction, and as a matter of human-chemistry. As human beings go, we always have flaws and imperfections. Weeding-out prospects that fall below our standards and expectations requires time and patience. Everybody's in a hurry!!! Quick to say the words "I love you;" before knowing why, who, or if they really mean it! Love has to endure huge challenges; like stress, strain, disagreement, and disloyalty. We change with time, but some things about us never change...or we don't "grow!" If you overlooked or forgave these faults, it was your choice.
Dating and courtship is where we go through the process of selection, evaluation, and elimination. Sometimes we can't help our feelings, and we're willing to accept some flaws, quirks, and shortcomings in our mates. When we're young, inexperienced, and in-love; we don't always take a serious consideration of the redflags. We may simply dismiss the deal-breakers. "But I love him..." is usually what we're told by a vast number of ladies who write DC for advice. We take this to mean, "say what you will, but I'm not giving him up!" Well, you don't go into marriage thinking you're going to change somebody into someone they aren't before you married them! Marriage is a not a makeover process. It's for better or for worse. That's a vow and a promise!!! You looked into eachothers eyes, and said it like you meant it! Many lie!
The foolish notion that our love will change a hot mess, or remold another adult; is nothing but wishful-thinking! In most cases the hot mess only gets worse with age, like wine turning to vinegar! We watch too much television, see too many romantic movies, and read too many romance novels, or magazines; that depict unrealistic-portrayals of love and marriage. There are ups and downs, ins and outs, and some drawbacks that we never figure-out how to overcome. Sex being one of them. It gets...complicated!
You have an unromantic husband. Marriage to him is just a comfortable partnership. He contributes according to his personality, based on his psychological-development, and as driven by his emotional-makeup. Your opinion is that he's a dull lover. What's his redeeming qualities, if any? He doesn't express affection; mainly because he grew-up in a household that set no examples. He grew-up during an age where sex is a function of release, or to make babies. He is selfish, shut-off emotionally, and complacent towards his marriage. It's partly due to aging, and growing used to your environment...which you both have shared for twenty years. Like many guys...macho, and being emotional or mushy ain't how he rolls! Showing affection is weak and being a sissy! It feels awkward and unnatural to him. You didn't mention if he ever was affectionate.
Now in your 40's you're expecting the leopard to change his spots? Sucking it up, or kicking him to the curb are your options. There's therapy and counseling. You are the one who chose him, and you are the one to decide what to do with him. All anybody else can do is tell you to do what you feel is best for you. Just be realistic, he's not going to suddenly turn into a sex-machine and shower you with sweet-talk, french-kisses, or hot-sex four times a week. He's what you've got. If he's not particularly a great lover, or unable to be affectionate. What is it that kept you with him for two decades???
People can make suggestions, you can go to counselors, or get therapy. None of these options will ever make him into a person he is not, grow feelings he does not have; or perform in ways that do not come naturally to him. He is, who he is...as you are, whom you are!
Divorce is an option nowadays taken as casually and conveniently as trading-in an old car, or breaking a lease. People just get tired of each other, they're too stubborn to compromise (they have no clue what that is!!!), and some are just too damned nasty for words! When they discover that love didn't change him or her, or they can't control the other partner; they throw their hands up in frustration. Irreconcilable-differences is the general reason to divorce. If your marriage was always ho-hum, and you simply tolerated each other for years; all of sudden, that's not going to change. You can divorce, but you'll end-up finding just another human being with faults, weaknesses, and imperfections. If you tell him what you need, miss, or want...maybe he will realize he's neglecting you. If you've done this over and over, and nothing changes. You still don't have to suck it up. You do what's best for you!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2019): It is depressing that someone does not grow emotionally in 25 years. BUT he has never had to. Because what motivation is there? It doesn't bother him. It only bothers you. So I think you need to make it clear just how much this is destroying your relationship. you can't make someone change and if he chooses not to then it's up to you what you want to do with that. But let me just say that regardless of your age, the only time wasted is the time you spend with someone you're not happy with just because you're afraid to be alone. Aren't you kind of alone already?
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