A
male
age
51-59,
*efreshme
writes:I am gay and my mate always knew it. My mate is a big strong Fence Builder who drives a work van and has 2 teenagers from his first marraige and one more kid he's seen only once from a second marriage.We were in a church together for years until I came out and left, and he left as well for other reasons to do with his wife at the time who used him to get pregnant and then dumped him. Once I asked him to help me move house with another mate but we decided to hit the town the night before I moved. He was naive sexually and we tricked him into going into a gay club on Oxford St. "There's no women in there guys"!After that night on the town in Kings Cross we became very close because I think he needed someone to talk to. He visited a lot and I wasn't used to attention from such a burly straight, slightly older attractive bloke such as him before. I fell for him and he became the subject of my fantasies. I felt I loved him and he just kept coming over and baring his soul. He was down but I was wary of him as I sensed he was there for reasons beyond the surface. He would take me everywhere with him, late at night and we'd talk and talk and talk in his car. I was in heaven.I eventually after months and months, tested him by asking if he wanted a massage. He jumped at the chance. I had to know his motives were pure for this wonderful straight mateship I had always wanted. Anyway I massaged him without insinuating something sexual and respected boundaries etc. Well, when it was his turn to massage me back he grabbed immediately for my penis and I was very shocked and not aroused. He said he'd always wondered what it felt like to touch another mans penis. I went along with it reluctantly and ending up sucking him off but he didn't suck me. I went near his mouth to kiss him and he said "not that!"He admitted he'd really enjoyed it and seen a door open - an opportunity to go down a particular path, but he was religiously opposed to it. (This is his only angst with homosexuality. Religion!)The next day I was in tears after an argument with him over the meaning of the experience. I told him I had tested him and he had failed, that I felt used and that I loved him always and the experience meant a lot to me. He said he could never be gay and out and said it was experimenting. He was very apologetic.We didn't see each other for a few months but one day he asked me over on New Years Eve spur of the moment and he'd provided a lot of alcohol which he normally never drinks.We ended up drunk and stoned and he suggested we take a bath and he placed candles around it. Later he sucked me off on the lounge! Immediately after he would not have contact physically. Again I was crushed and angry.We never did anything like that again so, bitterly, I admit I started to initiate sexual things. I learned I could work up to masturbate in his presence openly and him not mention it or hardly even look. This happened in his car, my house, a friend's house just the 2 of us always. I'd see him looking sometimes out of the corner of his eye. I'd wear no undies and purposely let him see everything. He'd hide his crutch and stroke himself in the dark under his clothes somtimes too. I was bitter. But he kept coming over to visit me. Sometimes I'd purposely show nothing and behave to tease him and shock him. We have always talked regularly on the phone. Sometimes with months in between but other times once a week. There were times he'd accuse me of being manipulative. I knew I had become that way but I only did it becasue there was nothing else to do to make the relationship interesting. I knew he loved the experiences in the past so I pushed but he grew wise to me as he got stronger in himself and I think we lost some respect there. He still keeps in contact to this day and it's been 15 years of friendship.I admit I still lust over him. He is my fantasy man. He is hot and muscled, and strong and I am not over him. I guess I don't want to be. He has shown he enjoys me but won't meet me half way so I guess I torment him!The fun is surprising him in new ways to see his arousal. He smokes marijuana and he is a Christian so he is not ever 'together'. He is up and down and is on medication. I believe he is not resolved in his sexuality and he has never had a woman since he divorced before we became mates. He hides his sexual life even claiming he's not sexual due to depression.I know this is long. I have never talked about this.I am sure you probably will scream at me for this story but it's real people and we are both lonely and single for it all!I will say that through all of this I have lived with several boyfriends so I have not allowed the disappointments with this friendship to stop me finding other loves. He just is always 'there'. Where do you think this should go??
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (31 March 2009):
 In all the conversations you’ve shared with your friend, have you ever opened up and told him how you feel about the friendship itself? And I mean all of it; even the unflattering parts, such as your admitted manipulations and the reasons you feel caused it.Whatever else has happened over the past 15 years, I think one statement you made sums it all up, “I dont want him to live with me or be my partner but I want his freindship for ever.”I think you need to explain that to him. You need to help him understand what you meant by “first choice.” I feel that you’ve let too many things go unsaid, or half-said, and it has contributed to this sense of detachment.If it’s too much to say, or you feel that you won’t be able to find the words, then write it down. Read it over. Give it a day and then read it again. Take the time to make your points as clear and honest as you can, and then give it to him.You know that you will never have the relationship with him that you want, but I get the sense that you want what you had before. If he is still keeping in contact with you, than it may be that he wants that too.However, you also must come to terms with the reasons for your ‘teasing’ and ‘tormenting’ of a guy who is clearly emotionally torn and wounded. Come to terms with the real root of why you felt the need to act out this way, and then stop it.Good luck, and keep us posted.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2009): Yes, after reading the last post, your friend is having hard times, and like he said, you were manipulating the friendship, so now I think he doesn't trust you. And wouldn't you say, it's strange to start masturbating in front of a friend? I can't imagine unzipping my pants and doing that, even if I had feelings for him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2009): Personally i think you are getting pleasure from your friend and not thinking about his emotions. You need to stop and think, he is a friend, you say that enough times that you should realise that. Personally i think he is having a really hard time and you are not helping. Speak to him about seeing someone, he sounds very confused and very insecure, almost like he is in pain. I myself would never wish hurt upon a friend and hopefully will always be ther to help help them. You however seem to be adding to his insecurities and his confusion by putting yourself first. A true friend will strive to help and offer advice rather then just getting undressed in front of them and hoping for the best.
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A
male
reader, refreshme +, writes (26 March 2009):
refreshme is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks ladies for your advice :)
Like I say I havent waitied for him or anything. He just pops in an out. I have always told him he was always 'first choice'. He desnt get what I mean. Hes not gay but he enjoyed what we did. I always enjoy his company but hes not as fun as he was.
Being sinlge now again I guess I hope he will visit me more often now that I live closer to him. I dont want him to live with me or be my partner but I want his freindship for ever. So as he is unpredictable, I play it all by ear. :)
I will also add, I have attracted 4 or 5 guys like this in my life. Every guy Ive known has admitted to me they have been sexual with another guy at some stage of their life. I have come to accept this is normal for men and that they understand me even though they choose not to be gay.
:)
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A
male
reader, yum yum  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 In my opinion he was always in denial of his sexuality due to social presure and religous factors. He has struggeled most of his life with misconceptions and fears of his homersexuality. You should ask yourself if you would like to have a relationship with him and consider your degree of attraction towards him. If you want a relationship with him, then you should help him accept his homersexualty and to overcome his fears. A counseller could be a good idea. Good luck!.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2009): o.k. I'm a woman, and trying to understand you. I'm religious(more like a believer), and see why your friend has a problem. He has been truthful to you about: it being an experiment (probably because of loneliness), he's told you he couldn't be gay and you're trying to convince it's because of religious reasons, but I think he truly is straight and you 'want' to turn him gay.
He has a brotherly affection for you, but that is all he can offer you.
I think it's time for you to do a little soul searching...is the gay lifestyle making you happy?
Remember, you can't force love, but if you're patient, love finds you.
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A
female
reader, Kayla_112005  +, writes (25 March 2009):
Well I'm happy you feel comfortable expressing how you feel becasuse it is a very complicated situation. It can be really hard when someone you care about keeps being a constant presence in your life and at times its like they don't care about you sometimes. I really think you should just let it go because he obviously has alot of issues that he needs to deal with. You did nothing wrong at all and if he really cared about you he would be true to you and tell you how he feels. It kinda seems like that he was using you too so he could deal with certain things in his life to make him feel better I guess. But you should concentrate on you and your life and not worry about him.
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A
female
reader, didda123  +, writes (25 March 2009):
 After 15 years i really don't see the relationship going anywhere.
No doubt he has experimented and may infact be supressing gay tendancies but unless he will allow himself to relax his mindset on the subject i can't see things improving.
I think after the episodes you have mentioned when you have been intimate in some way he has felt guilt and retreates into himself at that point.
I am glad that you seem to have not put your life on hold for this man, he has very strong morals on the subject and doesn't seem able to change that although he does seem to enjoy the interaction between you but i honestly don't think things will change it has gone on too long.
You mention that he has never had a sexual relationship with a woman either since his divorce, maybe he has been really hurt and could do with the help of a councellor you could suggest that to him and they may be able to get to the bottom of his angst.
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