A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my partners mum passed away yesterday morning. I met him at the hospital to comfort him, went back to his brothers house after-put my arm around him on the couch but whenwe got home he told me to save it for whenwe're alone(he usually doesnt mind being allover me in front of whoever but all I did wasput my arm round him or on his leg as well as leave him alone to talk to others). he then sat on the opposite sofa to me when we were at home.today he went to sort out the funeral arrangements with his brothers,sisters and his 15 yr old son.so I went to my mums as he said he wanted tobe 'alone' and he said he'd collect me during the evening. he called at 8pm and said that his son needs him and that he wouldspend the night alone with him so can I stay elsewhere.i said I wouldn't mind at all but I thought hewould want me to be his rock through all this. I know peoplegrieve differently but I thought he would want to be with me tonight regardless whether his son was staying or not. I just want to be there comforting him but I'm giving him the space he wants. do you think this could be the start of the end of our relationship as I've read this is how it all starts but on the other hand know it's very early days to say the least. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe's now finished it, I'm so cut up. will I ever get him back?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011): A lot of people like to grieve alone. You should not take any offence but I am assuming you did not know her well and he would prefer the company of people he could remenice (sorry for the spelling I hope you understand) and talk about her with that knew her. For some people it helps to be near family and friends for others they prefer to be alone. I apologise if this is rude but I think you are very selfish for making the death of his mother about you. I doubt he will have sympathy for this or appreciate how you feel as this will be a very difficult time for him. Maybe you should be concentrating on your partners pain rather than your own
...............................
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 He's just grieving. His mom died, he wants to be with his family. This is his kind way of saying, please let me be with my son so we can grieve together. You need to give him his space. A lot of people like to be alone when they are grieving. Losing a mother is incredibly hard on most people.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 April 2011):
 Don't jump ahead of yourself. You are worrying yourself about the relationship, but there are bigger things to worry about here. Whether or not you and him stay together through this hard time, it is a hard time for him. And he will need you there, be that if you hold him physically, or if you give him space. Knowing where he has you is the most important for the relationship, and the worst you could do is create drama and make this all about you.
Let him grieve. Grieve with him. Don't make his sorrow about an end of your relationship! It isn't about that! His mother died, that's what's going on. Your relationship could be, or could not be, affected by this. But HE will be affected by this, naturally. Allow him that.
Perhaps instead of getting worried, you could tell him that you would like to help out in any way you can, and that you share his sorrow, but that you do not know what to do. So that if he does need something from you, tell him that he must tell you and speak about it, so you can know, and that he shouldn't be afraid to ask for anything. Be that time, space, a hug, or even something as simple as you cleaning his dishes and do some household chores while he is busy with the funeral planning.
Think about how this affects your relationship later. Now is not the time.
...............................
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (8 April 2011):
 As already stated, everyone grieves in their own way. I would prefer to have others around me, but many people really do wish to be alone and grieve, process things. I know that you only wanted to comfort your mate, and I'm sure that the message got through to part of him. But he has so much going on right now and is trying to be strong for his son. The best thing you can do is respect his wishes, and let him know that you are there for him. He just needs time. I don't think this is anything against your relationship. My ex husband acted the same way when his father died and we had been married for 10 years. He had a very difficult time of it, but wouldn't reach out for help. He chose to grieve alone. I didnt really understand, but that was his way. Just hang in there.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy partner and I do have a massive age difference but he says he doesn't see me as an age. his family don't have a problem. I may be young but I have been through a lot in the short of my life
...............................
A
female
reader, ponderland +, writes (8 April 2011):
Well he does want space honestly. Just do as he says reassure him that you are there for him do little things for him that he likes ask to assisst with anything he wants. also i know it is hard to do this but it is for the best :)hang in there darling. :) xx
...............................
A
male
reader, Partyboy123  +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Hey,His mother just passed, that is a tremendous thing to experience... He politely asked for his space, and he needs to grieve and get over this himself. He loves you, but needs his space and he needs to handle it his way.Hope i helped,partyboy123
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011): I really wouldnt take it personally, this is how he is coping, he probably doesnt open up and talk about his loss just yet because he is trying to be strong for his son.he is probably pushing you away because if you hold him or try and comfort him he may jus break down and let it all out also he might think it is a sign of weakness, if he breaks down. He has a lot going through his head and sometimes when people are grieving its the people closest to them that they push away.Don't take it to heart. He will open up when he's ready. It just take time. The best thing you can do is give him a little bit of space, but let him know that your there for him, be very patient with him and, be there for him when he is upset and eventually wants to talk and finally all you have to do is just listen.
...............................
A
male
reader, digitalent  +, writes (8 April 2011):
This is not the end of your relationship. His mom died and and he's grieving. Let him. He'll come back to you when he feels right. Don't try to push him or confront him even in the slightest because that would be a complete disaster. Him not letting you put your hands on him is not something you should concern yourself about considering the circumstances. Its an emotional time for him. Let him be.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 April 2011):
 Nah, he's just grieving and needs some space. He has a lot to deal with.On a side note, he has a 15 year old son? So his son is almost the same age as you. How much older than you is he? That could be playing into this as well. He may view you as incapable of understanding just what he's dealing with because of your age difference.
...............................
|
