A
male
age
41-50,
*ppark
writes:I just want to start out by letting you know my background. I am an American Army contractor working and living away from home here in Kuwait. I did 6 years in the U.S. Navy. I was in a technical job in the Navy and thats how I got the Job with my current company and now work here in Kuwait. I have not been in a relationship for 8 years. I have been away from home and busy on a ship and traveling for all this time, and I didn't feel the justice in being in a relationship with someone and have to be away all the time. Last month on friday feb, 13th I met Sandy. I was going through a lonely patch and I was talking to my sister on messenger a lot about joining Eharmony and other such sites. I was just tired of being a rolling stone and wanted to settle down finally, and not a week after I decided to do that I got an email on Myspace, from someone named Sandy. My mom and her worked at the same job and my mom was talking one day and Somehow she convinced her to write me. We immediately hit it off. I didn't have alot of my normal apprehension about her, because my mom liked her and so did my sister. I was able to let my guard down and we really had a connection. 3 weeks after we met we got really serious and started even talking about marriage. But we hadn't even met yet. I got the warning messages from my family and friends and I even talked about it with her. We said we needed to but it never did slow down. A week later on Mar 13th, also a Friday the 13th Ironic aye? I sent her flowers to her job as an anniversary gift. That afternoon she sent me a message saying that she was in Love with me. I sent her one back confused as to what to say. So I said I love you too. I had never felt like this with anyone and I thought it was safe to say. so I did. The next day we had a discussion and she brought up the idea that she thought we where moving too fast. This time she was serious. Another thing I think I should mention thats very important is that she has a 3 year old son. I didn't know what to think. I am a over thinker personality. I over think alot. I got emotional and thought that she didn't mean what she said the day before and that she was backing off. She tried to tell me over the phone that she still liked me and that we should be rational and just realize that we have not met yet. I agreed but I still needed to express myself and how I still felt the same about her. I wanted her to at least validate those feelings and let me know she still felt the same. but all I got was "I still like you". I just wanted her to show me emotionally that she cared still and then I would at least be happy with that and we could be friends, and when I came home in July we could move on from there.But the emotional response never came. I even continued to email her and try and tell her how much she meant to me, because I felt like I was losing her. She kept telling me that I was over thinking things and that I needed to chill. of course that just made things worse because I became even more insecure about us. My Family and specifically my sister and Mom told me to back off and that maybe she needed a breather. The "L" word was used and maybe it scared her, how far you where going so early on, is what they said. I agreed. It is still hard though, because I have been writing and she sends short one sentence responses back to me. I understand that but Its hard not knowing what she is thinking and not communicating with her. I want to believe all the negative things. I already think that she doesn't care anymore and I am the typical Guy in that I want to solve the problem. But I have backed off alot, and stopped sending the long emails about how I feel and such. My sister told me to take the weekend off and not email her at all, even if she sends me one. So I stopped and I am giving her a breather. I know that she is probably protecting her son. I understand that and I want to do the right thing. Ok my question is do you think that taking a step back is a good thing? I think so but for how long? A weekend, a week, a month? Is there any other general advice that someone can give me? I know that I probably am smothering her and I really don't want to blow this. I really do care for her.Thanks for any help that you can give.Sleepless in Kuwait/BahrainAlex
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male
reader, Jason means Healer  +, writes (23 March 2009):
Mmm. Interesting that she told you she was IN love with you, you merely told her you loved her too (not IN love with...) and then immediatedly everything went cool.
Just a thought....
In actual fact though, I think it would be more likely to marry someone successfully after a short while than to fall in love so quickly (and tell them so).
You seem like a smashing guy but the way you talk about her is, if you don't mind me saying; real INTENSE.
Of course, I know it's important; but hone your coolness, dude!
Sometimes, the only way we can prevent ourselves with the thought of losing somebody is to be forever faced with just that constantly.
Like some people can only manage life when they're taking risks.
Be careful you don't seek too "technical" a solution to your relationship, seeing as that is your occupational leaning.
Tell her that you are happy to have your relationship on whatsoever basis she likes and for her not to be afraid to tell you how she feels.
Then, treat your relationship like a plant.
Water it. Let it breathe. Give it sunlight.
And watch it grow!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): In life people need to take steps back and think about the whole picture.I agree to step back for a break, I mean you haven't had any interaction other than chat on the computer. I would say a week and a half. Then send her short e-mails asking if there still could be a relation- ship or if it will just be a friendship. Tell her the idea of you guys being together feels right but maybe its not right for right now. the only reason that you told her you loved her was mainly because you guys decussed marriage, and the development of your relationship. If she first brought up marraige then she was in the wrong, and she shouldn't have back away. How can two people not love each other and be talking about future marraige of eachother. I think she is thinking of her son in all of this and a man raising another mans child,is running through her mind and that your a stanger to him. She may be the one for you or if not I'm sure you'll be able to find someone els really fast. There is another single person around the next corner that you may wven have more in common with then her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Yes, it would be good for you to take a step back. She needs time to think. You have been love-starved for a long time. Now you have fallen head over heals. Slow Down! The weekend without contact is probably enough. But when you do send her an email, keep it light. Tell her you realize you were going way too fast, and you look forward to the day you can meet face to face.
Don't use the "L" word for a while or maybe not until you meet and see how you both feel then!
I know how frustrating it is to be in a long distance relationship, and not get the responses you hope for! It is difficult!
I wish you luck, and thank you for protecting us all!
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