A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of three years has recently downloaded pictures of naked women to his phone.We live together and have a child together so privacy is not the issue here, and I was not intentionally snooping on his phone. He had taken a picture of our son that I was going to send to myself when I found the other pics. I deeply hurt by this and rather upset with him. I know part of the reason is a security issue for me. I used to look like those women before I got pregnant, and no longer do so it hurts all the more.Am I overreacting to this, or are my feelings atleast a little justified? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Also...just an additional note. I would not ask him why he has the pictures on his phone. You know why. I would tell him that you saw the pictures and they upset you because you feel he doesn't think you are attractive, etc. Express your feelings in a mature way and see what he says.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
I don't see this as cheating, I simply see it as bad taste when there is a child in the home and a girlfriend he is supposed to respect. Of course we all have fantasies about other people, but I think it is insulting for him to have them on his phone. Like one of the posts said, it's one thing for a man to look at pictures or watch porn, but it becomes something else entirely when he starts "collecting" pictures or videos. I guess it just depends upon what type of man you want to be with. I am getting the feeling from some of the posts here that "boys will be boys" and it doesn't excuse him doing it. I would feel the same way if he had magazines as I have known some guys who have stacks of Playboys sitting in their homes. It doesn't give you a positive impression of a man. I am not sure what you should tell him. He should listen to your concerns about just having a child and feeling insecure about your body. If he's a loving man, he will erase the pictures and help you feel more confident in yourself instead of making you feel worse. This really isn't a big deal...just erase the pictures. If he won't do something that simple for you, I'm not sure what to tell you because it seems like such a simple fix to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt isn't a trust issue. I know he won't cheat, I honestly don't think he's capable of doing so.
I don't intend to make a big deal out of the situation either. I'm going to ask him why and just leave it at that.
I just wanted to be sure I wasn't jumping the gun, which I often do when my feelings are concerned.
So thank you all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012): well I think you are justified in feeling upset, but since you can't control your bf's thoughts how is it different if he didn't have any pics downloaded to his phone but had them 'stored' in his memory or imagination instead?I mean, if all he's doing is having pics on his phone - he's not meeting up with other women or anything, then how is that different from him not downloading the pics but simply thinking about them and maybe using those thoughts to gratify himself? I mean, you can't go a step further and invade his mind and control his thoughts, so how are having these pics different? I guess I'm just saying that I can understand why you're upset and hurt. Like you said, part of it is you feel insecure and threatened. But is he really doing anything wrong? I can understand that you would ideally like your bf to have no sexual thoughts about any other woman except you. But you have to be realistic. All men do have sexual thoughts about women besides their partners at least some of the time. But that doesn't mean they are going to go out and cheat on their partners or leave them for someone else. Just because something triggers your insecurity does that make him the bad guy? or are you going to paint him the bad guy for even having sexual thoughts about other women (which you can't know about since you can't read his mind)?I don't know. I mean, cheating is one thing, just looking at pics is something else. if he treats you well, and these pics are just for his own private 'consumption' then I feel he is not doing anything wrong. And if you try to make him stop that's when it can escalate into bigger problems: he would continue to do it anyway and maybe lie about it so you won't find out and get hurt, and then you would snoop more and find out anyway, so then it would cross new lines into dishonesty and deceit and mistrust, which right now you don't have....so while I sympathize with you, I nevertheless feel that you should think very carefully about whether you want to insist that he stop doing this.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 It's one thing for a guy to look at porn, and I guess in a way that's what he's doing here, but does he really need pictures on his phone? It would bother me too. That seems a little more "personal" than looking at porn on a computer.
You should ask him what the deal is with the pictures, and see what he says.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I think your feeling are of course justified, as you are not entirely happy with your appearance after giving birth and him downloading pictures of naked women is going to make you wonder whether he is content with you or not. But you only have to look at porn to realise that the majority of porn stars are models and fantasy at that. It doesn't necessarily mean he's any less attracted to you as you are. It could just be something to have some male banter over with his mates. I know that may sound a bit typical male and naïve but I prefer to weigh up the pros and cons before just thinking the worst. Just ask him why he downloaded them only he knows the truth behind it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 July 2012):
 Have you asked him WTF is up with the naked pictures? As much as I would guess that the pictures aren't there to upset your or make you feel bad, I still question why anyone needs naked photos on their phone.
As for your own insecurities, only you can really work on those.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 July 2012): I am afraid he should not have pictures of women on his phone.
Bondgirl72 is right.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 July 2012):
Your feelings are justified. He has a son and a girlfriend and should not be doing it unless he includes you and you are ok with it. Would it be ok with him if his son would grab the phone and find the pictures, or is he the type who does not care about anything? It has nothing to do with whether you are secure or not. He should not be looking at pictures of other naked women if he cares about you. What's the difference between that and him getting a woman in your hometown to strip down and send naked pictures of herself? Absolutely nothing, so he shouldn't be doing it.
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