A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:New situation, only a week old. Need some other minds to consider my reality, as I lack hard evidence (you may disagree) or objectivity to say what is up.Background - In early 2010, I took on a new assignment that had me flying out of state once per month about 2 nights per week. This increased a couple months later to 2 trips per month, with an occasional third. In early 2011, I got promoted and the role became basically a weekly commute via an early AM flight on Tues with a return late Thursday. We have small, active children in school so she gets to manage all of this while I am gone.I love my wife more that I words can describe. She is over 40 like me and very attractive. I cannot put a finger on when, but affection has been in severe decline for at least a year or more. No kissing, and sex is robotic. We went to counseling and she pointed to a disproporionate issue for her anger (I could not and still do not buy it). I felt she was getting close to a married guy with her old job (he was good looking, and she was more attractive than his wife) but ended up leaving that job so their interaction stopped.We have continued to deal with the lack of affection returning to counseling. No progress really, and same issue (not mine directly, out of my control) being raised. She recently started her own business in a field she had no experience - against my advice - and it has been a big struggle so far. Sex has fallen from robotic to excuses for why she cannot (sick, tired, period, headache, backache, etc.) more often than not. Now fast forward to today. Last Sunday as we are going through bills, I open a bank statement that I did not recognize. She said it was hers - that she opened her own acct. This struck me as odd, as we talk of these things. The odd became suspicion as other clues below came together - plus her very strange and angry reaction to this guy telling everyone that he had been in a local strip club the night before (you would have thought she was his wife) -1. Texting another (married) man back and forth2. 12 were sent after midnight (I did not know until I found online record)3. Texts have been deleted from her phone4. Starting smoking with this guy at parties at his house (she was previously for 10 years a non-smoker) 5. Now hanging out at his house (his wife is there) almost every weekend with lots of drinking going on6. She got started getting botox earlier this year and brazilian waxes earlier this year7. His wife is less attractive, overweight and suffering from multiple chronic aliments8. He is younger than both her and me9. He is decent looking, frat boy-type guy who never grew up10. While not at the same time, he went to say high school she did for a year11. She will not let me give her oral sex anymore (used to love this)12. I head her call him "honey" tonightOh yeah, the guy is the father of my daughter's best friend.I am in pain as I think this is either cheating or will be soon...please help me process this. Am I reading into this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2011): I am the original poster, responding to eddie and updating all who have been reading. The current guy is a new one - not the one from her work before. We did not used to hang out at their house, this is a recent development of our weekend nights being tied up over there. New developments -It happened tonight as well, as our family dinner out became dinner with them out then just pizza at their house. He decided he was not hungry as did my wife.She also promised me to stop the smoking since it bothers me as my grandfather died of lung cancer. Unfortunately, she broke that promise tonight repeatedly.I also got called "chicken shit" by her as I refused to go to a neighbor's house to retrieve some beer I left there (it was already gone). This contempt for me is an emerging vibe from her - when she is drinking. It seems like a complete lack of respect so WTF is up with this woman?FYI - no sex tonight from the drunk wife. I am getting a sense that this is marriage is heading towards disaster as I am out of town the next two weeks.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2011): Do a lot more snooping. I would go as far as pretending to go for the week and then show up unannounced at home that night or something similar.
Hire a PI to follow her.
All the things you describe are indirect evidence that she is seeing someone else.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 I got a little confused when you jumped from reading bills to talking about a guy at a strip club. This is not the guy she used to work with is it? If not, who is he and how did he come into the picture. I know he is the father of your daughters friend but did you always hang out with then socially?
The bank account- We run our family like an open book. The household money is a common pot of money. I'm not saying having a separate account is wrong either. I'm saying if all of a sudden she opens an account and says nothing, that is interesting. Is it for her business? That would be normal and reasonable.
1- texting is a new form of communication so that alone is not proof.
2-texting secretly after midnight for a middle aged average woman who works during the day seems odd. What could be so important?
3-anyone can claim deleting texts is routine
4-people start smoking all the time. You think it's due to a kinship with the guy. This could be possible, almost like the "I'm bulletproof" attitude we have when we're young and stupid. This alone though means nothing.
5-Are you hanging out at their house too? People will include their spouses in the group when they want to be near another person. That way they can pretend it's just a friendship. This also reduces their feeling of guilt because they convince themselves it's just a friendship.
6- she started getting botox and brazilian waxes. This tells me she wants to be attractive and sexy. She cares how she looks and goes through procedures to achieve this. We also know that she is not interested in sharing this with you sexually? The waxing is quite normal these days but I would wonder why a woman who did not want to have sex with me, her husband,would bother.
7-his wife is less attractive and not healthy. This could be the case foe many wives out there and means nothing on it's own. You can't blame that on your wife.
8-he is younger. This is not important on it's own. Not your wife's fault.
9-he is decent looking, partying frat boy- on it's own, that means nothing. Not your wife's fault.
10-same high school. This means nothing but offers up a point of conversation between them.
11-no oral sex. I find this strange. If she is spending time primping her vaginal area with brazilian waxes, I would think she would expect someone else to be down there. Is it possible she feels guilty to let you have your mouth there because she knows another man is having intercourse with her. It is possible I guess. Are you having sex at all? I don't have an answer as to why a person would stop enjoying oral sex without a reason.
12- she called him honey. alone this means nothing. My wife called our waitress honey the other night. Does she say that to others?
13- he is the father of your daughters best friend. This alone means nothing although it does give opportunities to be friendlier than with strangers.
I try to look at these things like being in a court of law. Many of the points mean nothing alone but added together begin to paint a picture. Since I don't know you, you can paint the picture however you choose and could make your wife look guilty. There is a point in time though when you have to be honest with yourelf and look at all the clues and ask some questions. If you come accross as angry though whe will clam up and become defensive. If you give somone in this situation enough time they often become sloppy and give away too many obvious clues.
Anything is possible but not necessarily probable. I do see some red flags here. It sounds to me that your wife wants to be a party girl and perhaps going through a mid life crisis. On one hand she wants to appear to be a young, fun attractive woman but she does not want to share it with you. She is communicating with a married man late at night.
Can she explain why she does not want to have sex with you? Why no more oral?
What is her reason for the bank account?
What is she saying in counceling?
Hoe do you know she texts after mid night? Have you asked her about this?
What were the clues she was interested in the guy she used to work with?
I understand your pain. Youo are doing everything in your mind to give her the benefit of the doubt. For every reason or point your question, there is a possible answer that would clear her of wrong doing. Arre the answers probable though. I tried to point out the ones that could be reasonable.
No matter what you say, it can be denied and you have no proof. It is a waiting game. You're concerned she has or will cross a line in the future. That is possible, especially since your marriage is already under stress. This is when people are weak and make poor choices. HAs she physically cossed the line already. This is unknown.
It sounds as though she is not focused on the marriage. The only way to save a marriage is to be committed to the effort needed. In my opinion she needs to know you concern and snaser a few questions. You need to ask them respectfully though or you won't get answers.
Eventually she will either admit you're correct or deny it. YOU can not make someone do anything they don't wan to do. All YOU do is provide a platform that is stable for a good marriage and provide an atmosphere that would encourage somone to be happy.
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A
female
reader, NennaHB  +, writes (2 October 2011):
 While some people would have enough with the change in sexual behavior(not wanting oral anymore, the Brazilian waxing), I beg to differ. You have gathered a lot of indirect evidence that points to cheatingI am not the confrontational type so here is what I would do: I would ask for the help of a PI to make sure something is really going on. If/when he gives you the evidence, it's your turn to act. If no children would be involved, I would leave without explanation. That's what cheaters deserve. Nothing. However, since you have children and from what you describe I understand you had a previously happy marriage, you need to think if you want to separate from her but keep good relations for the sake of the kids or forgive her and always have a shadow of doubt regarding her faithfulness.You are in for a tough ride since he is the father of your daughter's best friend, so be prepared to be looked at as the "bad wolf" in this story. However, you should think about yourself too a little.Weigh the PROs and CONs of this whole situation and eventually post a follow-up of your situation when it is all cleared.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (2 October 2011):
I got a little confused when you jumped from reading bills to talking about a guy at a strip club. This is not the guy she used to work with is it? If not, who is he and how did he come into the picture. I know he is the father of your daughters friend but did you always hang out with then socially?
The bank account- We run our family like an open book. The household money is a common pot of money. I'm not saying having a separate account is wrong either. I'm saying if all of a sudden she opens an account and says nothing, that is interesting. Is it for her business? That would be normal and reasonable.
1- texting is a new form of communication so that alone is not proof.
2-texting secretly after midnight for a middle aged average woman who works during the day seems odd. What could be so important?
3-anyone can claim deleting texts is routine
4-people start smoking all the time. You think it's due to a kinship with the guy. This could be possible, almost like the "I'm bulletproof" attitude we have when we're young and stupid. This alone though means nothing.
5-Are you hanging out at their house too? People will include their spouses in the group when they want to be near another person. That way they can pretend it's just a friendship. This also reduces their feeling of guilt because they convince themselves it's just a friendship.
6- she started getting botox and brazilian waxes. This tells me she wants to be attractive and sexy. She cares how she looks and goes through procedures to achieve this. We also know that she is not interested in sharing this with you sexually? The waxing is quite normal these days but I would wonder why a woman who did not want to have sex with me, her husband,would bother.
7-his wife is less attractive and not healthy. This could be the case foe many wives out there and means nothing on it's own.
8-he is younger. Thisis not important on it's own.
9-he is decentlooking frat boy
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2011): Go with your gut feeling on this one.
If necessary, hire a private eye to determine exactly what she is up to especially when you are out of town. If your PI finds evidence she is having an affair, get a divorce lawyer.
No woman gets brazilians and Botox if she isn't trying to look good for someone. She's made it painfully obvious that someone isn't you. I'm sorry.
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