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male
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*tsallyellow
writes: Is this just how my girlfriend is, or has she cheated on me?We've been dating for 2 years nearly and just bought out first property together.Things started to seem a little odd before this. She went out with some old friends one night mostly lads, I've meet them all and they seem really good bunch and I got on with them all. One is a guy called Barry and they are ex bf and gf from about 3 years ago. They split because she began to like his best friend but that went no where.I have never looked into her phone and I feel guitly for doing it but I had to know. Well this night I tried to call her to walk her home from town but she wouldn't pick up the phone and seemed pretty distressed when she eventually did. When I looked into her phone there was a message from him something about "not into that kind of stuff any more and no hard feeling". I didd questions her about saying she left the message open on her phone as she was preetty drunk. More recently I found that she had a separate meesage folders with 5 messages from Barry saved in it. I asked her about this Barry didn't mention the phone thing and they were later deleted. The other day she received a message from him late at night and and she told me it was someone else. It was from Barry saying "he couldn't do do that night as he was in Wales" that night they were talking about when I was away in London. Yesterday she went into the garden and sent a message behind the shed and turned her phone onto silent to receive the message reply. It vibrated I heard it and said it was out of charater and whats going on. She turned it sound on then said he's a friend and I know how you'd react if you know I ever sent a message to him thats why I did it. She also always deletes her sent items and any message from him. I feel bad for checking her phone but this paranoia is driving me crazy. Whats going on?
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male
reader, apollo +, writes (1 August 2006):
my gut feeling tels me that she has bad intentions towards this guy.it seems obvious to me that she was trying it on with him.chances are they ve kissed and possibly more.i dont know but i would say that she s being a naughty girl and u hav evry right to b suspicious. x
A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (1 August 2006):
 You sneak and she cheats. I'd probably say you are well matched, except you have been given great grounds for suspicion.
Maybe she's not guilty (yet) of the ultimate in cheating, but hiding messages from you and phones on silent would drive anyone to suspicion, it isn't open communication. A few questions, then make up your own mind: What's to hide? What kind of relationship have you? Is it based on trust, mutual respect and understanding or, jealousy, live for the moment and dishonesty. How about your feelings? Are you happy now? Can you live with recurring episodes like this? Maybe her dishonest hidden behaviour will spill over into other areas, money, work, whatever. Cos leopards don't change their spots, not even when they love someone. This is her, in all her glory take a good look before you get embroiled in a web of deceit, it would take more than an aquarium to overcome that. Oh and you're entitled to keep that bit of info to yourself about checking the phone, as you found exactly what you expected. You may need it to back up something that will happen in the future. Be prepared.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): Hi itsallyellow
Thanks for your feedback - I really hope it does turn out to be ok, I forgot to mention that the answers on here could be wrong - after all we don't know the *whole* situation. However, there are definately suspicious signs there.
The sex is one of them, another is buying presents. I have been in a similar situation to you, for a few months I got some great "guilt" gifts, suffice to say they have since all been thrown away and I have now moved on with my life.
Like I say I hope it isn't the worst case scenario, but if it is, I hope you can stay strong knowing that once you've been through the worse of it, things will get better and you will eventually become a wiser, and stronger person because of it.
I'm always here to chat personally if you ever want to talk about any thing, good luck.
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A
female
reader, camille  +, writes (1 August 2006):
 I am very sorry but my friend has just been through this. It's a lame excuse to say she's turning phone on to vibrate to spare your feelings as she seems so sure of your reaction. I don't know her, or you and regardless of my friend's situation I have to say.... You followed your instinct for a reason. People usually snoop when they think there's something wrong and they are sometimes proved right, and it justifies your suspicions somewhat...However, if you are untrustworthy and paranoid because of a past experience or even your own previous actions in other relationships, you need to address these issue too. In the meantime, lay down some mutual ground rules that are agreeable. I share your view though for what it's worth.
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A
female
reader, camille +, writes (1 August 2006):
I am very sorry but my friend has just been through this. It's a lame excuse to say she's turning phone on to vibrate to spare your feelings as she seems so sure of your reaction. I don't know her, or you and regardless of my friend's situation I have to say.... You followed your instinct for a reason. People usually snoop when they think there's something wrong and they are sometimes proved right, and it justifies your suspicions somewhat...However, if you are untrustworthy & paranoid because of a past experience or even your own previous actions in other relationships, you need to address these issue too. In the meantime, lay down some mutual ground rules that are agreeable. I share your view though for what it's worth.
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A
male
reader, itsallyellow +, writes (1 August 2006):
itsallyellow is verified as being by the original poster of the question Dr Pete. Your advice is great. Though I'm inclined to think over the next few weeks my world is going to collapse around me know and will take saome major rebuilding.Would the fact don't have sex as often as we used to and she seems very disinterested in it dig the knife in further. Also after making an accusation to her on Sunday she bought me a book yesterday on aquariums as i said I'd like some fish to cheer the place up a bit. How do I confront her about the messages I found saved in her phone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): itsallyellow, you should only feel bad for checking her phone if you were found out to be wrong. It seems to me though your worries are quite justified. This seems to be often the case of people who suspect their partners of cheating.
Let's establish some facts, she has lied to you, and she is contacting, a guy (who she has history with), in secret. You have consequently broken -her- trust by lying about looking in to her phone.
Ask yourself this: If there were nothing suspicious going on, why the secrecy?
She justifies her deceit by turning it around on you, accusing *you* of not understanding. Have a think about that for a moment - what exactly is there to not understand?
You didn't seem to have a problem with her going out with her guy mates, so why would you have a problem now? Again - the only reason you would have a problem or have problems "understanding" something would be if there *were* something inappropriate going on.
You must love and trust this girl, so you would naturally be inclined to believe her. My advice is to go with that "gut" feeling of yours. Ask yourself this - would there be any circumstances in which you would secretly text an ex-girlfriend and lie to your current girlfriend but for entirely innocent reasons? I don't think there are any, are there?
Good luck, I do hope it turns out to be a massive misunderstanding.
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A
male
reader, tonsta +, writes (1 August 2006):
in my opinion she is acting too suspect if there was nothing to hide why is she hiding it? you need to confront her properly about this dont just take the garbage she is feeding you at the end of the day YOU are her partner and she needs to be honest and fair to you. Dont blow your top be calm but tell her you are fed up with the all the sneaking around and tell her it could end up with you both splitting. i was in the same position so i know what your going through but i took the cr*p she gave me until in the end i said im not getting back with you until you decide who is more important! as-well as making your partner happy YOU need to be happy in the relationship too
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