A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am being so silly and need some help on how to finally get over my ex, please. We broke up a year ago. We'd been together 9 years, lived together for 5 years until I found out he was cheating on me with a woman from work. So we split up, he moved to a different town, but did not start a new relationship. We kept in touch, saw each other often, and eventually he told me he couldn't imagine a future without me and wanted us to try again. We tentatively got back together (not moving in together though) and things were better than ever for a year, but then, when I was making him a birthday meal last year, I heard ringing from one of his kitchen drawers, discovered his 'secret' mobile phone full of messages from mystery women, and found out he'd met up with a girl he was at school with and had a teenage crush on (but he decided he wasn't attracted to her so nothing happened). I confronted him, he was devastated at the prospect of us splitting up. He withdrew from work and I was worried about him, so spent all my energy making sure he was coping. I never really got an explanation, and things kind of carried on for a while, with him saying he wanted us to get married, have children, get a house together again. Then, 2 months later, after we'd been seeing each other at weekends again, he said he didn't want us to carry on being boyfriend/girlfriend, that he wanted me in his life forever as his best friend, someone to cuddle/kiss and stuff, but not as his girlfriend. I was crushed. Left him, made no further contact. I never really got closure, and don't understand what went wrong. I was angry and then sad for a long time. Eventually, earlier this year, I went on a few dates, and enjoyed them, but didn't want to see any of the guys again really. I still love my ex, stupid as it is. For a few months, I felt happy, and didn't think about him much. In the last few weeks, I've been feeling sad again, I guess 'cos it's the anniversary of splitting up, and it seems that I dream of being with him every night, and don't want to wake up because I'm happier in my dreams. My friends and family all think I've moved on, but I haven't. I guess I want some advice on how to finally move on. I'd also love to know if you think I will ever stop loving him? I had one other boyfriend before him, we were together 3 years and broke up at my instigation, but I didn't go through these feelings then. I want to stop hurting and need some advice on how to. Thanks so much for reading this. x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): [Original poster] thanks for your advice. x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): One of the things that went wrong is that you were TOO NICE and because, you were TOO NICE, instead of pulling back you rewarded your boyfriend for bad behavior. You showed him that you cared more about the relationship than he did, you showed him that you were willing and ready to do anything (at least in his mind) to keep him around. Therefore, he started looking at you in a different light rather than as a woman to be desired and respected. Each time he pushed away, you "ran" after him and what I mean by that is that if your bf did something wrong, you may have wanted to talk about it instead of allowing him to come to YOU to apologize and show YOU that he was sincere. You wanting to talk about the relationship and wanting to know why he isn't treating you a certain way is called "pursing" and you may have been doing this in a subtle manner.
Now, not by any means am I blaming your bf's leaving you on YOU per say, rather the point I am trying to make is that people often respond to action.....for instance if someone...a stranger, came up and slapped your face, you would respond in a certain way right? If someone assisted you after a fall, you would react in a certain way right? Well, men (and women) react in a certain way as it relates to relationships. Most men, whether they are good or bad guys will always test the woman to see how far he can go with her; to see how much he can get away with---it is at this point where most women (and sometimes men) screw up. Instead of standing her ground and making it known with her ACTIONS that she will not put up with any type of disrespect, she attempts to do more "work" in trying to make the relationship work, the woman tries to get the man to see the error in his ways by talking, nagging, bickering, placing the wrong emotions to the situation and etc. When a man sees this at this point he thinks "I got her" and he starts to lose respect for the woman. The guy's desirablity he may have once had in the woman, decreases and he looks at her as more of a mother like figure than a woman he loves and desires.
If I were you, I wouldn't try to get this guy back..he has cheated more than once, he has lied, he doesn't seem to have any respect for you, he is leading a double life. I know you love him and all and it will take time A LOT of time for you to get over him...if you ever do, but the healing process has to start from somewhere honey. I know how it feels to have a broken heart, I know how it feels to love someone and they don't love you back in the same manner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): a break up is never easy and of course worse if its after a long period of time.
the best thing to do if you REALLY want to get over him
is just delete number emails ect don't make contact with him don't see him don't get friends to ask and if your friends are mates with him don't let them mention him around you because it will just make you remember and slowing start dating
i no its been a long time like you said but rushing things at once this guy obvs was a love and its a shame men have to have more than they have got but your not alone just keep your head up and them feelings in your belly at night will soon-ly disappear and you wont realize you have forgot him
personal experience from a few times it works.
god bless :]
oxo
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (4 August 2010):
 Your ex sounds like a naturally charismatic man. Extremely charismatic people get away with almost any sort of behavior because other people have a difficult time holding their flaws against them, the way you are struggling with.
You have to cut off all contact, go cold turkey, in order to get over him. Throw out all your pictures, delete him from your phonebook, and so on. Politely decline if he ever tries to reinitiate contact. It'll still hurt sometimes, but it won't be a real impediment to your life after you find a new guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Hi there :)
I'm so sorry to hear of the difficult year you've had :( Losing someone is never easy as we all know, and the good old cliche of "time being a healer" doesn't help much either eh?!
I can't give you any quick-fix to get over this though. I wish I could, but in my experience, the heartbreak that to me once seemed like it would last forever, has finally diminished into a bearable amount. How?? I moved on to someone else... I finally allowed myself to get back out there and meet other people. You say in your post that you have had dates since this guy, so there you go... you're already making progess! Big deal if the dates didn't go anywhere... Important thing is you are trying again.
And sooner or later, you too will meet another person that can spin your world upside down. It will happen, but only if you allow it too.
You ask if you'll ever stop loving him?? Part of you will probably always feel something for this guy. You did spend 9 years together... But I guarantee you that when you meet the real love of your life, you'll compare what you feel now to what you WILL feel, and realise that that part of your life is done. It will get better, that I can assure you. Keep the chin up my dear, and keep the faith. The best part of your life is yet to happen. Now that's something to look forward to :)
I'll keep you in my prayers.
Much luck to you :)
xx
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