A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend's sister and husband are coming into town on the way back home. They want to see my boyfriend's daughter's new twins recently born. She lives in a very small cluttered house and she wants to entertain them at my boyfriend's home. I happen to live with him and his family does not have anything to do with me because they do not approve of us dating. They actually broke us up this past July and we got back together. The problem is that this is a very disfunctional family and my boyfriend always solves all of their problems. The last time his sister and hubby came into town he made me leave. I was very upset because if I mean anything to him he would not do this to me. This time I told him, no, no. no, I am not leaving because of this. I don't think it is fair just because his family wants him all to themselves that we cannot have a decent realtionship. I told him 3 months ago that it would be best if he basically told them that they have to accept me and that he will be with me and they need to stop displaying this kind of behaviour and that it is unacceptable. My boyfriend is 69 years old and his kids are 36 and 40 and they have basically taken over the role of his parents. Do you think I am right in saying that I refuse to leave his house just because of his daughter having to entertain her aunt and uncle at my boyfriend's house? Thanks
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 March 2008):
 Goodness, this is a really tough one to answer! The thing that I noticed was that you referred to your home as 'my boyfriend's house.' Which suggests that maybe the two of you don't think it's 'home' for both of you? Are you living with him but still have a place of your own, or did you move in with him because he asked you to?
It sounds like you haven't had any contact with his children or siblings and in-laws, other than their disapproval of your relationship with him.
When the twins were born, were you involved in any way, give a gift, send best wishes, that sort of thing?
Sorry for all the questions, but I'm trying to figure out where you are in the family dynamics.
If you're living with him because he wants you there, then maybe it's time to act like a duck and let their opposition wash off like so much rain. You may have to be a better person than you think you need to be, and start doing the sort of nurturing things for his family that he appartently reserves to himself.
Tell him that you're happy that you're going to have the chance to see his family, and the twins, and to start a new relationship with them, just as his daughter is enjoying the new relationship with her newborns. Tell him that, and then start preparing for the in-laws. Wash the sheets on the guest bed, put chocolates on the pillows, flowers in vases around the house. Let him know that reconciling with his family is one of the most important things you would like to accomplish this year.
If you haven't done this, write a note to his daughter, congratulating her on the birth of the twins, and enclose a check for college tuition for them in with the card.
Start baking cookies, and making some meals that can be frozen and reheated, and deliver some to his daughter and put some in your shared freezer so that when the in-laws do finally arrive, your effort is evident.
I'm suggesting these ideas as a way of trying to help you improve the relationship you have with his family. Someone here is going to have to be the bigger person, as it sounds like your boyfriend is not stepping up to that task. If you really love him, there's going to have to be a change in the family dynamic, and you may have to be the one to drive it in some not-so-subtle ways.
Confound their expectations of you, reply to hostility with grace. Start acting like a person who is loving, and tolerant and ignore any hurtful gestures.
This may be way off base, and you and his family may have too much history for this to work, as you mentioned they broke you up last year. The thing is to think about what an ideal relationship with them would be like, and start to try to build on that.
But if he is not supporting you in this, then maybe you need to think about what kind of longterm relationship you'll have with him, as I sincerely doubt he would choose you over his family.
Good luck!
A
female
reader, natasia  +, writes (31 March 2008):
 I too think it's ultimatum time. You can only be so understanding, and it sounds like you've been pretty good so far. They have to accept you. Doesn't mean they or you have to or would want to hang out with each other all the time, though.
The visit is difficult. I know you live there with him, but it was presumably previously his house, and his children will see it as their family home - that's why the daughter is thinking of using it, and she will see it that her dad's sister is coming to town, albeit to see her new babies, but still, it seems OK and normal for the sister to stay with her brother (ie, your guy). Everyone in the family will think 'why not?'. The problem is your boyfriend trying to get rid of you so that they can stay there. To be honest, he should say something along the lines of 'you're totally welcome to come and stay, but remember that my girlfriend will be here, because it's her home too' - and then it's up to them.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (31 March 2008):
 I think you're right. You should also sit down and talk to them rationally and calmly. You a part of your boyfriend's life and they need to accept that.
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