A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Im in major need of some opinions/advice!!!I have known this friend since Feb this year. For the majority of the time I had a bf. However me and my bf broke up 2 months ago. When that happened my frined started showing me alot more attention. He told me he liked me and we have been dating for a couple of weeks now. I really like him alot. And up until recent he has showed me no bad signs!!The thing is, I wasnt sure if we were a couple or just dating. So I asked him today where we stand and he said he wasnt sure, he really likes me but wants to get to know me more before we become bf and gf, because he has been hurt before. I understand that buttt the way I see it, if he wanted to get to know me more why wouldnt he just of stayeed frineds and not made any moves? That way he could get to know me and then ask me out when hes sure? But he dindt do tht because he wanted some action I believe (like kissing).Later on in the conversation he asked me what I thought of him and after telling him how I like him soooo much he said 'i think we should give the bf and gf thing a go and make it offical...but just dont want to rush and find out later we dont suit'. THEN he asks me if im a virgin or not (i already knew he wasnt because when we were jsut frineds he volunteered the info that he had had sex b4). This shocked me. He said he was just curious and that if we are gona bea couple we need to get to knwo each other.Idont know what to make of this. Its not as if hes a vigin with strict values and beleifs taht he wants to save it for marriage. And he KNOWS i dont sleep around. So why would he ask? Makes him seem suss to me. I am now having major doubts about his intentions with me.What do you guys think? I dont like the idea that he kissed me and says he jsut wants to date because he doesnt know me wel enough. It makes me feel like he wants to just be a friend but have the benefit of kissing me and hugging me and holding hands in public? But still have the freedom of doing things you woudlnt get to do in a relationship??? I think if he was sincere he would of stayed frineds, gotten to know me, then when sure asked meo ut and made a move. But he didnt. what do u guys think? can he still be sincere? it just hurts to go out with him not knowing if hes serious about me. i feel i have so much t lose. and feel so vunerable.so i guess my qustion is, do you think hes sincere/genunine? and what do u think about the whole him asking the sex question.By the way i am 18 years old, he is turning 19 next month. we met at university feb this year. thanks for any advice! :)
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Hi,
him asking if you are a virgin or not is seriously suss.
For one, what business is it of his?
Secondly, its almost proprietorial - in that if you are a virgin then you suddenly become more attractive as no other guy has had you. Plenty of guys think like this ( I have met truckloads ) and they generally view women as objects to be used and then discarded.
Thirdly, it sounds like he is playing games with you. The initial period of a relationship ( especially at your age! ) should be full of fun and new experiences, not stupid mind games about whether he sees you as his gf or not.
I would get rid of this one, and wait for someone who will treat you with respect.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your opinions :)
Dazzerg- I guess you could assume that if he had bad intentions that he would of waited till after sex for all this, but maybe its just an act? He knwos im not the type of girl to sleep with any guy and that I would have ot be serious about them...
And you are right about them being dominio...it has surely made me really hesitant now. I do know some of his past. But only really what he has told me...so he could leave out anythign that would make him appear bad.
JaffaZ- yeah im worried about being used for sex like you said you were. i guess the only way to really avoid that is to hold out for as long as you can?? but then still thats no bullet proof way because some guys will play the game for logner then others....I thought I was weird for thinking that the proper way to do things is to be friends first, then when you know how you feel about each other then you become bf and gf, none of this casual dating geting to know eachother while you can make out and so on business...all my frineds do it...but i just dont like the idea of it. good to knwo someone else thinks a bit like me :)
Still not 100% sure what im going to do. I think im not gona give up yet...gona give him a bit more of a go and hope that he is sincere, therefor no other bad signs come up. lets just hope that if some other bad signs do appear that i see them and dont give him anymore chances. with my ex i saw bad warning signs from the start but i wanted to 'give him a fair go'...and promised myself that if anything else happened, that would be the end...but i continued to make excuses for him. hope i dont do that this time. was a big mistake.
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A
female
reader, JaffaZ +, writes (21 October 2007):
 You're right, that whole asking if you're a virgin thing seems a bit suss. Also the thing about not being classed as girlfriend/boyfriend just yet.I had a VERY similar situation with a guy at the beginning of the year, and he ended up using me just for sex, and neglecting all other aspects of being in a relationship. Personally, I wouldnt get myself caught up in something like that again. I think friends first, getting to know each other better, then going out as boyfriend and girlfriend is the best way to go. But on the other hand, your guy might possibly be sincere. It's a bit hard to tell. Personally I think he might be trying to take advantage of you, but if you were friends first, that gives him more chance of actually being sincere...At any rate, if things start going in a direction you don't like, or if your relationship becomes purely physical and he makes no effort to actually get to know you better (like he said) then you should probably get yourself out of that relationship before anything happens that you regret!
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg  +, writes (21 October 2007):
 I think he can still be serious because surely if he just wanted sex he would have saved all this until after you had had sex? It seems to me that his mixed signals fit the bill of somebody who is hesitant and who has been hurt before.
Often these things are dominio in that one person starts giving off mixed signals which in turn unsettles the other person who then in turn starts to give off mixed signals in return. I dont know how much you know about his past but maybe it is something you should tentatively try and talk about and if he does open up maybe that will help you understand him a bit better. Take care and good luck :)
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