A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is a good provider and we have had a good life so far. We have two kids, one teenager and one pre-teen.He is good to me, but when he gets angry with me or the kids, he shouts on the top of his voice, he uses obsene language and just goes into a fiery rage sometimes. last nignt, we all went out and the kids had a good time. The woman that he used to exchange all sorts of intimate emails with were there with her kids. I know her by name but not what she looks like. I asked him to show her to me if he sees her he did not like it and refused. I just wanted to see her I am not the type of person to confront anyone and make a scene.I was looking at every woman there wondering if it was her. I also looked at him sometimes to see who he was looking at. This made him mad and he cursed me in the presense of people that we know, and people that we didn't. I was so humilated and then in the car on our way home, he started using the F-word constantlly and was driving recklessly and did not care if he killed us all. My kids were scared to death and they were crying. He was way out of control. My son told me that he was scared that his dad was going to hurt me.I am confused. I have a good life, stable and we are well taken care of, but these angry moments, and the humilation....do I cope with it ? maybe I cause this upon myself ? please tell me when I am going wrong. I cannot trust him becasue he tell lies constantly. I always catch him telliing lies. I just need to know if I need to fix how I deal with things. Please help me , I dont' want to feel right when I am wrong.Helpless. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): It wasn't the wisest thing to do to ask your husband about the woman he was flirting with, as if he broke off the relationship he must have been under strain. However, his reaction was uncalled for. You need to get help before someone gets hurt-- and also if you want to save the love in your marriage.
A great site for marriage counseling and advice is at Dr. Harley's marriagebuilders site. Here is a link to his basic concepts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html
Here are his words on angry outbursts:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html
I am not affiliated with the marriagebuilders site in any way, but going to the site and just reading the advice there, when I was in crisis with my marriage, helped me a lot and actually I've learned to deal with conflicts very well. Best of luck to you and your family... maybe let us know how it goes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): "he started using the F-word constantlly and was driving recklessly and did not care if he killed us all." - if it is not an exaggeration, this is not the appropriate behaviour displayed by the head of the family and I don't think your insisting to know about that woman can be considered what they call "palliating circumstances," although it was purposeless an inquiry... as, if you're the weak type it'd have only led to compare yourself to that woman and question your self-worth, which of course is wrong. The major issue here is that he is setting a bad example for your children, which he has to acknowledge and correct, as it is essential to protect them. How would he react if your drew his attention to this? Some children learn from a problematic environment to reiterate the mistakes shown by their parents/tutors, thus I think it's important to have a discussion with them, adjusting your words to their age and understanding. These situations can reflect later on in their personalities, and you need to avoid that. I sincerely doubt you can or should reabilitate this marriage, when your husband acted so irresponsably as putting your lives to danger, but if you must, have a last talk to him in a way he mustn't perceive as threatening about how you want your children to grow in a healthy hospitable environment and see what he says. Don't let him speculate your weaknesses by yelling, talking obscenely, fiery rages, thinking you will tolerate it. You have to work on your [strengths] and use them. And teach him. Only many people will find it insulting to be taught, but he needs guidance. Tactful one. Ultimately you'd have to consider providing for your family alone if he doesn't contribute to a peaceful atmosphere especially for the children's sake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2007): "My kids were scared to death and they were crying. He was way out of control. My son told me that he was scared that his dad was going to hurt me".You know what that says to me? It says this man needs help. He needs to control that temper of his, when it gets to the point where he's striking fear into his own kids, it has GOT to stop. Let it go, and it will get worse. I don't know what Peoriaman is saying here, almost seems like "Do not question your man, obey him at all times otherwise it's your fault if he strikes out". I sincerely hope not.I do however, agree that you need to find out whats going on his life to make him enraged like this. But I would go down the route of a mediator or therapist. In my experience of guys, they hate to admit when they have a problem. Hate it. So if you want to know in order to support him through it, he may deny he's got issues at all. But if he won't open up to you, but stikes out rage at you when he's under pressure because of it, then that's incredibly unfair. This is why I would suggest going to see someone, before things get out of hand. Best of luck
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