A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this guy for about a month and a half now, and we became intimate right away. At first I thought that, perhaps, I'd goofed and "gave it up" too soon, therefore ruining all chances of a real relationship, but this guy has continued to want to see me, even inviting me to visit him for a weekend over the holidays while he flies back home to see family and friends.I'm confused as to how to react to this situation and don't want to get too attached if it appears that he's only in it or sex.On the one hand:Whenever we see each other, he is very sexual, and, even though we go out on dates and have a great conversation, it always leads to sexHe spent the night last weekend and left right away in the morning, acting a little bit distant (granted he was a little hung over from the wine we had the night before and he had to go into work later that morning). He texted me afterward to see how I was doing though.He went away to a conference for a week and didn't contact me once while thereHe is a post-doctoral fellow and very involved in his work. Often he claims to be working late and extremely busy, and is very apologetic about not getting in touch (he does 100% of contacting first)On the other hand:I've recently had surgery and he's contacted me every day to see how I'm doing and if I need anything (I am in pain and cannot have sex right now, but he still wants to come over).He goes out of his way to impress me, compliment me, and remember little things about me.He asks me about my job, my life and my feelings, and seems genuinely interested.Can anyone help shed some light on this? Do you think he is "into me" beyond just the physical? P.S. I don't need a lecture about "giving it up" too soon--the damage has already been done. Thanks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares, you're probably right. I've been thinking it over, and, after he returns from vacation, I'm probably going to say something like,"I really love having sex with you and I think we have amazing chemistry, but I'll admit, I'm really not used to sleeping with someone before I'm in a monogamous relationship, so I probably should have brought this up sooner. I think I made an assumption that we were exclusive, but I shouldn't have done that. If you are seeing other people, that's totally cool and I really would love to keep getting to know you, but I really don't think I'm comfortable continuing to have sex if you aren't ready and want to play the field. I don't want to pressure you, so, when you decide to go "all in" we can have sexy time again. I just want to make sure we're on the same page."
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 I have to disagree with your therapist. If you tell him " You know, I don't have sex with people I am not in a relationship with " he can answer you " But you just DID ".
Actions speak louder than words, as usual.
If really you don't want to have sex unless you are not in a relationship, the only way is to wait that it IS a relationship before you start- or resume- being sexual with him.
" Bait and switch " ? Ah so if you start having sex with a guy and then you have doubts... perplexities... think you might have made a big mistake... you want to put the relationship on a different track .... then anyway you have to keep going, and keep putting out, albeit halfheartedly.... because otherwise .. otherwise what , exactly ? You look bad ? It's not nice, it's not polite ? He can say Hey, no fair ?...
Isn't it supposed to be your body and your vagina, of which you can make any use YOU deem right, regardless of other people's expectations ? Your counsellor must be a very considerate person... too considerate for my tastes, Who CARES even if he thinks it's bait and switch ! Tell him to send a written complaint and he will be considered for a refund.
If you want to make sure it's not just about chemistry and lust- then DO just that, make it sure. And you don't even need to be mysterious or to play games, you can tell him straight - tell him that for now you want to know him under other aspects than the sexual one, and that you want to spend time out of the bed to check if you are also compatible more than just at skin level.
Then you'll have your answer. If he likes you, he will understand and go along with the plan. If he just wanted sex, he will bolt at lightning speed. Which, won't be a loss for you if you wanted him for more than just sex to begin with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I'd spoken to my therapist about this and she'd told me that I shouldn't stop having sex with him, because that's kind of a "bait and switch" at this point--the damage has been done. We don't have sex every time, but, when we do, he is really kind of grope-y and quick to get to it.
Still, my therapist said that I should say something like, "I love having sex with you, but, just so you know, I don't normally have sex with someone without a commitment first." She said to keep it light, and just plant the seed that I want to be in a committed relationship.
I'm pretty sure he isn't sleeping with anyone else, and I think he goes to an awful lot of effort in pretending he really does like me if it IS, in fact, only about the sex. I just think he's a great looking guy and he could probably find someone he didn't have to put so much thought into with lying, etc. if he just wanted to find a girl to have sex with.
Maybe I'm an idiot, but it just seems like great lengths to go for just sex. That's what's confusing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, here's another update: He has been texting me every other day, just to let me know he's thinking about me. He's been working a lot, so hasn't had time to get together much. He is very focused on his work and very driven. Yesterday he texted me to see how I was doing and said that we should hang out before he takes off for his three-week holiday visiting his family. He said he was leaving Wednesday, and couldn't do anything Tuesday, because he had a grant due. I texted him back to say, "So...tomorrow?" He sounded surprised at how little time he had left and said, "Wow, I guess so!" He texted me later on and asked if he could stop by for a little bit that night. I agreed and he came over, and immediately kind of jumped me. After we had sex, he said, "Wow, I never expect that kind of chemistry, but every time I come over, it's just...wow!"I said, "Well, you're a guy who knows what he wants, that's for sure."He said, "Well, I also want to sit and talk with you."So, we sat on my couch and talked for, maybe 20-30 minutes, and then his stomach started growling (he hadn't eaten dinner), and he decided he was going to take off and make himself dinner. He made it a point to say, "By the way, today wasn't in lieu of tomorrow, I just wanted to stop by and see you."I felt reassured that, maybe he didn't have a lot of time, but he was interested in being with me.Then, today, he sent me a text saying that he was just too busy to hang out tonight, and that he had something due at 8 a.m.I really can't get a read on this guy...is he just saying and doing this stuff so that he doesn't come off as a jerk and so that I will keep having sex with him? Or is he truly busy and he genuinely likes me? I've never been so confused. How long should I wait to know, one way or the other?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all, for the perspective. I think I will just let this ride out and see how it goes. :)
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reader, Brokenv  +, writes (7 December 2013):
So you "gave it up", I think you are over thinking this. I think you need to let this play out.
He is contacting you. Coming over and you have not be able to engage in sexual contact......tells me he is interested.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000 +, writes (7 December 2013):
 From all that you've said so far, I think he's into you. The fact that he spends time with you outside of the bedroom, and wants to see you when he possibly can, speaks volumes. If he was into you for just sex, there would be no dating. He'd just come over, have sex and leave. I think this relationship has a lot of potential.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): I don't think it's a good idea "just to ask him". See how it goes. From what you said, he is into you. I had so many different scenarios through the years that I can tell you in my experience it doesn't really matter n a first night you sleep with a guy or on a tenth. I slept with my husband on a first date, and we got married and now live happily with children. I had guys who I was playing a " good girl" for 2 months only to have sex with them few times and then they left, or I left. The only drawback I see with sleeping on a first date is that you really don't know who you dealing with, and he might be a real jerk, but you ran into a good guy. From what you described, he is a decent guy, very busy with his job. The fact that he didn't call you from from his conference doesn't really means he doesn't care. My husband has a hard time calling at all, and once he went on a business trip and if didn't call, he would never even call me. It doesn't look to me that he is only after sex. And the fact that you dates end up always in sex is good. Did you want it to be otherwise? lol.
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reader, J.B  +, writes (7 December 2013):
He sounds like a nice guy and I do hope that he turns out to be genuinely interested in you.Honestly, I would say just ask him. Maybe not right away but if he does still show interest in you in another month or so just ask him where he sees your relationship heading. It is probably the easiest way to find out.If you don't want to be so upfront about it, like other have suggested, don't have sex for a while and see how he responds.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 December 2013):
Use your recent surgery as the test. If you can, and want to, see him a few times without the sex (obviously you can't do that right now), and see how he behaves. You will find out sooner rather then later what he really wants.
From what you've said, I do think he's a decent guy. At the very least, he is fighting for your attention, and knowing you've had surgery hasn't made him run a mile. So I would use this time as you're healing just to get to know him more without the sex.
Hope you feel better soon.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 December 2013):
I know this isn't going to help, but maybe yes and maybe no.
I had a relationship with a guy that lasted for years, and it started off with me "giving it up" right away. I honestly thought he was just going to be a one-night-stand, I met him in a club and that's how it went. However, throughout the years, he was always a nice guy to me, would see how I'm doing, I've met his friends, I even met him mom, he's been there for me...but he still didn't want a relationship...at least with me anyway. So in ways, very similar to the guy you've been seeing...somewhat attentive, maybe more than someone that just wants to sleep with you, but not completely "there."
For now, I think he's probably a nice guy and it's not in his nature to be a jerk and just "hit it and quit it." But it does not necessarily mean he wants more than a casual relationship. Just sit back and see how things go, maybe try and slow things down a little and see how he does if you request that things become a little less physical.
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reader, Helloduckiexox +, writes (7 December 2013):
 Just be honest with one another. Ask him yourself to figure out the right answer. How you know unless you ask. If he respects you , he will be truthful to you
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