A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I ruined my boyfriend's relationship with his best friend. I didn't mean to, but it was absolutely my fault. My boyfriend (of three years) had been in love with his childhood friend for many years, and remained in love with her when we started dating (which I was not aware of for some time). I found out over a year after we got together, and I loved him too much to leave. Then we had a year of me being insecure, not being confident during sex, getting super anxious whenever he/we would see her. She is thinner and prettier than me in general, so I feel like her mere existence trumps me.After a year of that, he finally told her he couldn't see her anymore. Mind, they never had sex, just really close friends for a long time. Now she hates him and said some hurtful things to him, which really crushed him. I didn't suggest he do this, but I think he thought it was the only way to fix things.So now (over a year after he broke things off with her) I am still obsessed with her. I look at her pictures all the time, wonder what she's doing, how I can look and be like her. My boyfriend NEVER talks about her, but I can't stop thinking about her! I still have all the insecurities. I wonder if he feels he made the wrong choice by being with me. I love him so much, he's so great to me always sweet, so why am I so worked up over this?
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best friend, crush, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (7 December 2013):
 You don't have to cut it off cold turkey, because you likely won't and you'll just end up feeling even more guilt and it will be more baggage to carry around.
But you can start to reduce the time spent doing it with an eye toward eliminating entirely eventually.
Start small, and take on what you can handle and let time do the rest.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, both. You are right that I am very insecure. I think I need to just cut off the looking at picture and try not to think of her. It's just hard.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (7 December 2013):
I think you need to give yourself a break here and put things in perspective.YOU did not ruin his friendship. Your boyfriend decided his connection to you took priority over any connection he had to her and acted accordingly, which was the appropriate thing to do. It would have been totally unacceptable for him to maintain a close friendship with someone he had feelings for. You may not have asked him to do it, but that is what you wanted and what you needed to be secure. And you were right to want that so don't feel guilty because you got it. The fact that she chose to take it poorly is a reflection of her lack of maturity. I daresay with time she'll learn to see it differently. Especially if she ever finds herself in your shoes. So you don't owe your boyfriend because he didn't do you an enormous favour. He did what decency required him to do. Certainly appreciate that doing the right thing has caused him some pain, but in the long run it's saved him a great deal more. And as far as this obsession with her goes, what you're doing is de-selfing. It's at the root of your insecurities and it further feeds them. You're afraid that he doesn't really see you, that he only sees her but if you disguise yourself as her he'll notice you. The problem is, even if this worked, it wouldn't be YOU he was seeing. It's a self fulfilling prophecy because by trying to be her, you're sending the real you into oblivion which is ultimately what you fear the most. I've been through something like this myself so I have a pretty good idea the hell you're going through, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that it CAN be overcome. It requires faith, self discipline, effort, creativity, patience, compassion and time. And it is so worth it.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (7 December 2013):
You kind of already answered the question yourself: it's because you're insecure. Hope my bluntness doesn't offend you, but if you were comfortable with yourself, then you wouldn't worry about comparing yourself to her.
Do you think that maybe you'd feel differently had you never found out about him being in love with her? So I take it he stopped being friends with her because you voiced to him your insecurities?
Think of it this way: he's good to you and he CHOSE you over her. Regardless if you think she's thinner or prettier than you, there's always going to be thinner or prettier women, you can't compare yourself to them. People are harder on themselves than other people are. Sure, he may have been at love with her at some point, but then he met you and may even think you're more beautiful than she is. Just be yourself, he's with you and not her, he's not going to love you more or something like that if you try to be someone you're not.
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