A
female
age
41-50,
*arah1983
writes:My boyfriend ended our 6 year relationship 3 weeks ago, he said he doesnt feel he loves me anymore. He works from home and we have a 2 year old boy together. We spend 24/7 together, even share the same hobby. We have the odd disagreement but rarely argue, we get on really well together, he enjoys my company and sex is great. During our 6 years together, there was 2 girls he felt strong feeling for but he was very honest with me and nothing ever happened. I told him to think about his feelings and that he would just have to make a choice both times he couldnt give me up. Now it has happened again, feelings for another woman. He doesnt see how he can love me, if he keeps getting these feelings for another person other than me. He says the passion has gone from our relationship. We had a very honest talk the other day and he wanted me to say what was ever on my mind, I evenually asked him if he has any idea why he fell out of love with me. He says he thinks that because he was having these feelings for other women during our relationship, he failed to focus on ours and therefore the passion faded. I have to admit that I probably didnt help, as I do recall him hinting a few times during our relationship, for me to make more of an effort when it came to what I wore during the day and night. I did occassional but I suppose I got comfortable. He says he just wants to love someone the way I love him.He went to see this third girl at the weekend, he did lie about where he was going at first because he didnt want to hurt me any more than he already has, but his conscience got the better of him and he ended up telling me the truth before he left. When he returned he says nothing happened because he found it hard to let go of me.Me and our son are living with my mum at the moment. Today he told me that he isnt going to see this girl again, that he doesnt want to jump into another relationship at the moment. I'm hoping with a little space that he will realise he does love me and that these feelings are sometimes normal, its whether we act on them that make it right or wrong. We are still good friends at the moment and I still feel we can tell each other anything but I'm afraid this may change if he did move on probably. At the moment I am very calm, cool and collected. I have even started making an effort in my appearance and still try to have fun with him. We only see each other ocassionally at the moment with us not living under the same roof and I wait on him contacting me first. I have started getting butterflies again whenever we have to meet. I dont know what else I can do but wait to see what happens and go with the flow. Do you think he is having a second guess about breaking up but wants break from us as well to see or am I waiting for nothing? He doesnt know I'm waiting, I have told him I tend to move on.
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female
reader, Sarah1983 +, writes (2 October 2009):
Sarah1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again, everything is still the same. I have tried to keep contact to a minimum, in the hope that absence makes the heart grow fonder. But I dont think I've went a day without him calling me, its never been a call to ask how I'm doing. Everyone has been to ask for help and today it was to pick something up for him because he knew I was in town. We have agreed to stay close because we do get along so well and for the needs of our son, so it feels normal to do things for him and I dont mind.
I have went home, for an hour at the most, twice this week and both times he has asked me whats wrong, that I'm quiet. He encouraged me to speak. I let him know that nothing has happened, that I'm just finding being friends hard. My son and me are going over for tea on Sunday. Before I left today he said if I need to talk that he's there, I replied with I'll be ok, I'm happy. He looked at me funny and raised his eyebrow. So I laughed and said apart from when I'm here. It was meant as a joke but his chin twitched abit and for a moment I felt he was holding back tears (but not sure now). He replied abit later with maybe you shouldnt come over then (in a joking tone). I said i was kidding tho and I that I would see him Sunday. I wish I could read his mind!
A
male
reader, OzBloke  +, writes (26 September 2009):
Personally, I think that was a good move. You did not pressure him and and kept it light.
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A
female
reader, Sarah1983 +, writes (25 September 2009):
Sarah1983 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your feedback, I hope that he's decided not to keep seeing this woman so he can just have space to think. A couple of days ago, when I went round, I was wearing very flattering clothes and he gave me a few very nice complements. He then mentioned I didnt dress like that when we were together, I said "I did occassional but not nearly enough, I should have". Do you think that was enough to let him know I feel partly to blame or should I have a proper talk. I dont want to pressure him at any point, so trying to have a laid back approach.
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A
male
reader, OzBloke +, writes (25 September 2009):
You have to respect the man for being honest. He is not doing the wrong thing by you. He is being completely open and honest to you. That has to go along way towards his credibility.
Going with the flow sounds like a good option for now. Just wait and see how things pan out for a while. As you said, he doesn't have to know you're waiting.
I'd like to think you can work things out and he could come home just because it would be good for your son, but you both need to do what is best for you two as well.
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A
female
reader, obsticalfree  +, writes (25 September 2009):
Sweetie, I like that you have great communication with this your boyfriend and that you have been able to talk these things through. To me that is a great sign of caring for each other. I don't like that this seems to be a constant issue the fact is you have a son and this man needs to grow up and commit to his family. It seems like he knows you are important and has respect for you which is great. What he needs to realize is that a committed relationship goes through cycles at times there is a lot of passion and sometimes other things override it for awhile. If you marry (which considering you already have a child together would be a good thing perhaps than that is what you promise to one another .... to remain together in the good and the bad :). We are human and at times in our lives we will be attracted to other humans that's natural but giving up on a relationship each time we feel lust or infatuation for another is silly. One of these days it will be you that has some interest in someone else. Staying together is a choice we look at what we have and have shared and what will be and make the choice to commit to that person and life. I think he does have love for you or there wouldn't have been these but I also think it takes two to commit and you should really be certain that he is ready for that if and when you do get back with each other. Some people never really can do it. So it is dumb to wait live your life based on another's confusion. If he wants to remain together or to reconcile it is time to set some boundries of what that means for you. This pingponging sounds painful. Often married men will say they 'may look but don't touch' the fact is your boyfriend seems consumed with the possible touching, whether it happens or not again I think its great he tried to work it through with you but ... this is the third time he has 'had feelings' for others so you need to decide whether this something that you can live with or need to have stopped. Also you have noticed that you did not attempt to maintain the passion yourself I think I would be honest with him about that too and promise yourself that in the future with him or another you will try to keep that alive . Best of Luck
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A
female
reader, Justified +, writes (25 September 2009):
 Well If you love him very much you should wait for him to come around and just try to be sexier and spark things up in a relationship. Sometimes things get boring and men tend to wonder off but I feel it is up to the female to lure her man back. I read a book that men are like rubber bands. They pull away but they always snap back. Sometime apart can do good just keep in touch.
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