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female
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anonymous
writes: I am in my mid twenties. I have been on about 5 dates with someone who I met online and things seemed to be going really well..a good pace, good momentum..we text, talk almost every night..I didn't feel that anxiety too much wondering if he is going to keep contacting me. After our first date, we went out the next day as well which turned into an evening out in his area, we spent the 4th together..i was able to meet some of his family briefly and we were with his friends later on.He has a career though that is different from others and it definitely isn't a set schedule and maybe I am just not used to that. The past 2 and a half weeks have been extremely busy for him. I understood there really wasn't a way to see each other the first week it was busy due to some stressful stuff he had to do for work (i don't want to go into details but i 100% wouldn't have expected to see him). I know people say it doesn't matter how busy they will make time for you etc--this was just a week where he definitely needed to do his own thing. We talked and texted here and there. Right after that he was offered to be a part of a wonderful opportunity which unfortunately was time consuming as well. In my mind I thought--we were at a good pace and i think this is going to screw it up in some way since it's so early on. One positive note is he hasn't been on the dating site.We basically were texting here and there but sometimes it would take him hours to respond due to what he was doing i'm assuming. We wouldn't really be in contact at night. One night I think he could sense I was wondering what was going on..we texted back and forth and he said he is back thursday so maybe friday or saturday you can stay over (we dont live very close so it just makes things a little easier and i don't mind..i like the connection of sleeping with someone(no sex involved yet but he has wanted to and i told him it's too soon)Wednesday he texted me a few pictures..and i texted back and also even mentioned how maybe friday we can do something in my area by me(and i go home that night) and saturday I can stay by you.He mentioned how he would love to but goes back to work on sat and i knew his schedule and said i thought you were off til next week. He responded saying yea he confused the dates..he just checked etc No real definite plans or response to it though. I didn't want to be smothering and just changed the subject.My last text to him during this time was wednesday at around 8:30..no response..we didnt contact each other Thursday and Friday I didn't hear anything either way about what was going on.I started to feel a little upset because I knew he came back thursday..i know it's really early on but still--i felt that shift in contact and never felt like I had to follow rules with him before.I went online and saw he was online as well posting pictures on facebook which really upset me. This probably goes against alot of articles, books, common sense but I would rather just know what's going on then wait and linger knowing the conversation will happen at some point.I decided to confront him and IM him nicely (I felt like we had been pretty honest early on; i followed my feelings which isn't always good i know)I was still very nice about things but honest as well. I tried to ask my questions but also talk in general about what I was up to etc. I asked do u think you still want to do something tomorrow? and he wrote he isnt sure yet b/c he still has to pick up his bike that's in the area where he was at..2 hours away but coming home it should pass me so I didnt understand. And then he mentioned he has a ton of laundry to do (im guessing for work) He hasn't been home in over 2 weeks reallyI basically flat out said it seems like we will never see each other..should I take the hint? lol (if he wanted to break it off i guess i was giving him clear opportunity to just say maybe it's for the best to stop and he too busy yada yada)He wrote no it's not that. he's just been nonstop since basically the first week of july between this and this. I wrote I know i've been understandinghe wrote i definitely have..he also mentioned we don't exactly live too close either and I don't drive. I asked if it bothered him that much and he said no, just isn't around the block that's allI basically said it just seems like this will fade out if we don't see each other. And i added how i didn't want this to fade out so soon.He asked so soon? lol and he said he understands and agrees and said it's sad but this is what his life can be like..it doesn't happen often but sometimes he is only home a few days out of the month. He then mentioned how maybe he will pick me up on the way back and drop me off the next morning before work if it's ok with me. I said it is but just let me know and he said he will as soon as he can etcI just felt in my gut I had to see him to see what was going to happen or get closure. I guess I am a more sensitive person.Saturday comes around and no text or call. At 7:30 I texted him saying I was at a so and so's house, what are you up to? etc etc And he wrote he is just leaving with his brother to get the bike. I pretty much asked if he wanted to pick me up later afterwards and he said he isn't sure because it would be past 11. I just felt like it was an excuse but i wanted to see him. It's pathetic but I just wanted to. I basically said if you don't want to, i understand but i thought we would have some time together before you went to work tomorrow in the afternoon. He then said he didn't mind but wasn't sure if i wanted to go out that late. Meanwhile a few nights we were out, i was dropped home at about 2am or later.So he picked me up and it's awkward because we haven't seen each other. Even with the first few times of getting in the car we weren't really giving each other big kisses on the lips just yet. It was either something quick or nothing at all til we got warmed up with each other.So he said it's been awhile and I agreed and asked how he was and he said he was really tired etc and explained everything about the day and how the past 2 weeks have been.We were at his place and it still took him probably 45 minutes or hour to put his hand on my lap and act more normal. I still felt insecure. We did go to bed like normal and began kissing and pretty much almost ready to have sex. I stopped him and he asked what was wrong. I felt timid and shy and he told me you need to say it. I told him I have to be exclusive with someone before doing this, it's just how i am. I don't do this with just anyone. He said ok, lets talk about it. He asked how i felt about it and i asked him and he said he is for it and he said the past two weeks really were busy and how he only got home thursday and didn't mean it to be neglectful to me. He said he wasn't out with friends or anything.I told him i wasn't thinking anything negative until the past few days. It did make me wonder. I said I am for it too but I don't want to force you to be exclusive etc. He said he is for it as long as i am ok knowing sometimes he isn't home alot. So i even asked are you sure and he said yea are you? i said yea. So i said again so we will only see each other. He then stopped and confirmed and said seeing each other means you can still see others, i thought you mean steady and getting to the point of being more serious. I said yes, that's what i mean etcHe still wanted to have sex but I felt like it was still too soon..alot of guys will say ok yea we are exclusive just to sleep with the girl. I think he is overall a decent guy but I still don't know him that well yet. I said can we just wait a bit etc..he did joke how i am the biggest tease etc etc and laughed a little. We still kissed etcWe went to bed really late..in the morning he wasn't really affectionate..we just basically spoke a little, i hung out with the other people that were there for a bit..he had to get ready for work and he dropped me home before that. In the car he had coffee so we couldn't hold hands. We still spoke and laughed etc..when he dropped me off he said ok, i'll see ya and we kissed a very quick kiss. It seems like things are always awkward when I get in and when I am dropped off..like we aren't quite there yetI texted him an hour later just saying i'm glad we talked last night..no response and i haven't heard from him yet. I know he is working but I'm sure he has time to send a text..and now I am worried he basically just blew me off.I am feeling kind of sad and upset..just looking for thoughts and comfort....a friend said she thinks the convo was good actually and to just lay low, let him have space after the past few weeks he had..another friend thinks it is all bad news. She thinks i should let him contact me and if he doesnt by the end of the week then it's over.I decided to text him something joking around but also asked if he was annoyed by the fact we didn't sleep together? and i mentioned how i am not trying to play games with him, i just think it's early still. No response to that either..i know he has work but i think he has some time in between to respond a text. I guess by tomorrow night I will know but it seems scummy to do all of this and just ignore me like i'm worthless person.... :( Apart of me thinks maybe his ego is bruised in a way b/c i keep not wanting to have sex but it's nothing to do with him..he knows I want to obviously but I just don't want to so soon.Do you think he is blowing me off or just give him time?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (1 August 2012):
 Hi
I am sorry but your being a tease by sleeping with him but not having sex. If you do not want sex thats perfectly fine, the right choice so early on. But why share his bed or stop over at his. Its giving mixed signals. You've been very heavy and clingy with all your contact and questions too.
The way I see it is he just wants fun,hes a busy man. He thought you would 'put out' because you have chased and hassled him desperately. You didnt though, so you will not see him again
He is not for you, just forget him,delete his number and find a man who is looking for the same as you, who shares your values.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (31 July 2012):
 When someone has an extremely stressful week at work, it is ok not to see one another as long as there is still communication and connection, and each person is aware that there will not be much together time.
Also, despite being "busy", when a person is really into you, he will want to spend time with you. You should not have to beg him for attention. He should make time with you even if it is just to go grab a sandwich somewhere.
This guy sounds like someone who is not that interested. If he really liked you he would be optimistic, positive, and willing to spend time with you to get to know you better. Not just willing to have sex. You should not have to poke and prod him to act on things.
Aside of that, you've only been out on about 5 dates, hardly know the guy, are not sure about him, and you're already making out with him? I don't think I would be making out with a guy I wasn't sure about (unless you're just up for having fun). I think he would be taking me out on some dates and having fun FIRST before getting into anything physical.
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