A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi, About 4 years ago I was going through my husband's credit card statements (with his permission looking for a purchase for which he had lost the receipt). There was an amount for £65 for a piece of Tiffany and Co jewellery. When I mentioned it, he said that it must be a mistake but after a week's questioning he admitted he bought it for a female colleague. He said she had had her bag stolen from the office at work and was most upset by the loss of a celtic cross necklace. He very generously (which he is) bought a replacement because it was of great sentimental value to her. I argued that if it was sentimental, only the person who gave it to her would be able to replace it with the same significance but he said 'maybe she didn't want to admit to them that she'd lost it'?? I rang Tiffany and they confirmed it was a celtic cross. Now there is no way my husband would buy such an item for a piece of jewellery if he was choosing a gift so I let it drop and it didn't really bother me again. He also said he had once bought her a blow up male doll as a joke when she was without a fella thus making it seem lighthearted and a bit of fun. I now know they worked quite closely together due to being on the same committee but at that time I didn't know of her existence until I found that bill. Anyway, recently I discovered sexy, loving texts between him and the woman who has replaced the celtic cross woman on the committee. This 'affair' has apparently been going on some time but I know it hadn't become physical from one of the texts. We have lately been going through a bad patch and I've been rejecting his love and he's felt very unloved and needed an ego boost (well that's what he said and it does make sense now but I didn't see the danger my complacency would lead to). I rang her to confront her and one thing she said was 'At least it's the first time I've done anything like this unlike your husband'. I thrust the phone into my husband's hand and told her to repeat what she'd just said and he replied to her 'Well thanks a lot'. When quizzed he at first said he didn't know what she was on about but then seemed to remember that she'd asked him a couple of times if he had had an affair with the celtic cross woman because she'd been told rumours by the other women in the office who were there at that time. He said he told her 'No'. I rang her again and asked if it was that woman she was referring to and she said it was but did say he had also denied it to her. I am now thinking though that she may have said that so I'd back off as she is also married and if things got nasty I might contact her husband. I looked again at the credit card bill (he never throws things out) and to my horror I noticed the date of the transaction was 15th Feb. I'm now going demented because it might have been a Valentine's gift and not a gesture of kindness (even though Valentine's is the 14th). He is really upset and swears it was pure coincidence and we had a big argument about it as he's trying so hard to win back my trust. If it's of any relevance both these women are much younger than my husband. He has sworn there was nothing at all between him and the first woman and that the texts to the other one were to give him a much needed boost and liven up their mundane lives. Yes, I know you will say he should have confided in me and done that together but, trust me, he tried so hard to do that and I always rejected him. Everything has been turned upside down. Do you think he has had 'affairs' with both these women and not just the most recent one (I know for a fact there was an emotional affair with her). I've now got the new problem of the other one being brought out of the woodwork and that wasn't really an issue until now. Sorry this has been so long, I just got carried away trying to explain it properly.
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affair, at work, her ex, text, unloved Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): sweetheart, u want is all to say it's all a big misunderstanding , he is a great hb just misunderstood? Well the truth is he is not... What he is doing is putting out the feelers for an affair, given half chance I bet he would or will cheat on you..
Would he have liked it if u had been texting/ grooming other men?
I know all this cause i have a hb who is the same, I love him to death but I am never enough, he constantly put the feelers out to other women.. Sending hundreds of text & lunching & dining other ladies, thankfully he is too much of a lowlife to get anyone to sleep with him so far!! But he will find dome desperate sad sack one day but I will be half way to Europe with the money I have been creaming off our joint account, when it finally happens
While I might make light of it.. Don't be like me.. I have died a 1000 times over all this cause it hurts like fxxk.. But u & me deserve more & better!!
Remember it's all a game for them!! Just make sure u come out the winner!0
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Sorry, but the only people that has bought me expensive gifts like that is family and men that were interested. Even though these situations have not turned sexual, but emotional cheating is just as bad if not worse. The heart and feelings are now involved. The fact that he has been doing this behind your back for several months speak volumes. If he wasn't feeling loved by you, what happened to sitting you down and expressing that to you so that you can rectify the problem? People need to understand that if you don't communicate with your partner about your inner most feelings then nothing is going to change until it's spoken. Going out texting, cheating, etc, doesn't solve anything, it makes it much worse. If you choose to dig deeper, then it's totally up to you, but from what I learned all things that go on in the dark always come to the light. So whatever your husband is doing, it will reveal itself. Nothing stays hidden forever no matter what lengths you go through to hide it. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): so two women are now in the equation. and he just explains away their existence. i am sure he lied covering up his tracks when the one female advise you he did this before.
whether emotional or sexual,your hb has cheated on you. how certain you are that he did not sex, a blowjob. or anything else the committee woman gave him. they both are younger than him and work with him. seems like your hb knows how to play the game.
you are dealing with a convincing serial cheater. investigate him. more turmoil coming through as you uncover the "truth" of your hbs deceitful ways.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 He spend genorous on people, in general. Okay, what about gender? Would a guy get the same treatment? If not, why not?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): Thanks Gina. It was actually £65 not £365 if that makes it any better!!! Also, we have seperate accounts so do not consult each other about what we may spend. That isn't a lot of money to him and he does spend generously on people in general so it wouldn't have been a big deal to him.
The only thing keeping me believing is that there was nothing physical with the texting woman and it did go on for several months before I found out.
I would have thought something would have happened by then if he was looking for sex but their emotional closeness is driving me mad!!
It is so unfair that the other woman has also been brought back into the equation, as if I don't have enough to worry about. My husband explains it away by saying that the texting woman wanted to 'get back at me' for ringing her up and confronting her!!
Also, why would he let me look through his statements if he knew I'd probably see that??
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (18 October 2009):
At the end there, you sound like you're blaming yourself. Which leads me to suspect that has he played you. In my opionion, he has certainly been looking for affairs with these women. Whether he had one or not is a different matter adn only he could answer that. You need to dig a little deeper and find out what has been going on. Are there times where he has been going away? If so, how did he pay for this? All he has been saying to you sounds veyr suspicious. Dig deeper, find out exactly what he has been upto. Then confront him with it. He if he not honest, consider whether you want to be in a marriage where you are second best. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2009): dear married woman. trust your gut here. do your home work here. it seems like your hb is playing around and it is not the 1st time. please do your homework, you ill find that you will discover more of the disgusting truth. this will be a very very painful period in your life. but it is better to knwo the truth and TO NOW BE PREPARED.
do a financial health check- check the amounts in th bank account. your assets and liability. what is your amrital regime. if you divorce what are you entitled to? i am not alarming you but you need to be realistic. you need to also start putting away some bucks for that inevitable day. its called a "pis off fund" and i think you would need to dip into it shortly.
do not accept your hbs excuses. 4 years ago you discovered irregularities. he lied and you believed his lies because you love him. now that you know that he is not the faothful hb you perceived him to be , please be on the look out. do not be like so many wives with the truth staring at them, pretending that all is well, until the very end.
you have a compulsive liar in your home. more a professional liar isn't it? doesn't take a mighty brain to note his cheating ways. its just too scrambled right now. read between the lines. you know what you need to do.
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