A
male
age
51-59,
*ilguard
writes:My wife is in SoCal for a confernece and went to dinner with a old high school guy friend. At first she hid it from me, then I found out about it when I saw it on her phone from a text. My wife always says that there is nothing there, yet tonight she dresses in a skirt, nice blouse, and her very sexy christian louboutin 4in heals. She had told me at first that she was only going in a very casual dress attire to a place like BJ's Restaurant. It was only after I asked her what she wore (I figured she had already planned what to wear), that she told me. Her reason for wearing her 4 in sexy shoes, was becasue he was tall. What you planning to kiss him? Make out in the car with him? As one of my guy friends told me a long time ago, MALES do not have FEMALE friends unless they like them in some way or another. She doesn't seem to see the problem with this. This is the third guy friend from high shcool she has reconnected with because of Facebook. The first time she lied about going out to lunch with the first guy as a spur of the moment thing. I later found out they had it planned all along. The only good thing is from what I am told he was gay. Yet when I finally get involved and say he is welcome to come over for dinner...he disappears from communication. The second guy again from facebook is he old guy friend from college. I confronted her with her emails back to him and had her ask him if it was okay for me to come to this mlunch meeting. His response was no because it would defeat the purpose of there getting together. Then he is told by her that she won't be going, and then he just drops communication with her. maybe one email to her after that. Now this guy down in SoCal from high school. Why? Why must she do this? She always has to try and dress sexy for guys even when I am not around. I love how my wife is sexy and have gotten it where she feels good about dressing profesional and not like a slut. When I try and talk (I will admit I do go off) about it, she says I am just looking for things for me not to trust. Again she hides it and states the reason she does is because when I try and share my feelings with her she thinks I'm trying to controll her ( seems like a defenceve act , which should not be nessary if there was no intrest). There are other things she has done with one guy, which is more of my demon now. She has given me many reason to not fully trust her with guys just because of him. Yet I don't know how to get her to see what she is doing to me. The pain the hurt, the emotionaly heart breaking pain.Please help. How do I show her and tell her I need her to stop. She is beautiful, sexy and I tell her that a lot. I like when she dress all hot and sexy when I am with her. When I am not, I don't.Is this just me being over jealous and I need therapy to deal with it? I dont know what else to do other than bottle it all up and wish for everthing to work out okay.
View related questions:
christian, facebook, jealous, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Just for the record, Louboutins are very, very expensive heels but well worth the $ with the confidence they bring a woman. They sound like the only sex appeal that is in her outfit. I honestly don't see where she dresses like a slut.
And your friends telling you females have male friends unless they like them is complete and utter bullshit. My best friend is a male, never had feelings for but him and my husband get along very well. I am one of those females that can have a husband and male friends as well, also my husband has some female friends. It's just a fact of life that the opposite sex get along well.
I agree that your jealousy is getting out of hand. So she's reconnecting with old guy friends on Facebook, that happens. What I don't agree with is her hiding it from you, although I can see why she has been due to your jealousy issues. Now, a marriage is about trust and there should be no secrets, correct? Ultimately, you can't tell her who she can and can't be friends with. That would make you controlling. Just have a talk with her, and tell her you would like for her to talk to you about these old friends, even though you can't be included in the meeting, you still want to feel a little included too, also her her not to try to hide it because there she be no secrets in your marriage, and lastly tell her you're not exactly comfortable with it but you understand that these are her friends..but you do trust her.
It's understandable we all get jealous at one point, or the trust is being put to the test, and we have felt threatened by our significant other's friend who just happens to be the opposite sex. I guarantee once she discusses these meetings with you and is more open then your mind will be at ease. Remember that you trust your wife.
A
male
reader, Dizme +, writes (3 November 2010):
Kilguard: I am in a similar sittuation. I am not married tho I have proposed to her. I am with a woman who has had several past relationships and some of them pop up from time to time from facebook and the fact that she has had the same number for 10yrs. It is hard for me to say but I agree with so many people here. Bottom line is if you feel you can take it then trust her to make the right decision. Do not be a doormat and do not tolerate lying. Tell her either she is honest with you about what she is doing so you can learn to trust or start weighing out your other options as the annonymous advice stated get your affairs in order (financially speaking). I have been through a divorce and it is nasty business especially when kids are concerned. But in the end you need to do what is right for you. I am having a hard time not checking my gf's phone for the msgs that sometimes are guys askin if they can start again. I have decided in my relationship to be upfront with her tell her how it bothers me. Tell her I feel disrepected when she hides it because "she doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable" that one is a crock I feel. I at first gave her the ultimatum him or me and that seemed to push her away and it also increased the lies. I feel for ya cuz like I said I think I am in a similar sittuation.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (3 November 2010):
 I think your jealousy is a little over the top but not without some justificiation.
It is natural for her to want to look her best when she's meeting an old friend. It's not just to show she's still looking good but also a way to show she's doing well for herself. She's putting her best foot forward. This persona may mean nothing to her now, but since they are old friends, they decided to get together to catch up. Things like this are happening more and more with facebook becoming as popular as it has.
The reason why you have a reason to be upset is that she's hiding all of this. If she would just be open and honest about it, this likely wouldn't be a problem. But due in part to existing trust issues, her being secretive about this isn't a way to help your marriage.
Part of being a guy is knowing what motivates the majority of men. You know that their intentions with your wife are likely less than admirable. The thing is, many women don't think the way we do. They can have platonic guy friends and never have sexual feelings for them. We're just wired differently.
If you address this, the focus should be the fact that she's hiding it from you. Let her know that because of things in the past, your trust isn't all the way back. It is hard to get it back when she gives you reason to doubt her by not being upfront about such rendevous.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): In the grand scheme of things- trying to control someone or getting jealous... it really is counter productive. You may think that sluething and trying to inject yourself in between her old friends is helping you keep her... it does just the opposite. Even if the "males only having female friends if they are hoping for more" theory was true... which it isn't in all cases- why would that matter if you trusted your wife??
Now I've never been married so I can only go from what I've been told- but I'm pretty confident that trust is right up there when it comes to the qualities of a successful marriage. Would you agree?
Instead of showing her you don't trust her, getting jealous and some might say- controlling, why not do something that will improve how she views you as a husband in a positive way instead of a negative way. Cos at the moment you're devaluing yourself in her eyes, and for what? All it'll do is make you look worse- and her guy friend look better by comparison- if she was indeed interested in them as you seem to think she is.
If somebody wants to leave or cheat then you can't control that anymore than you can control the tide. I'm not saying to be completely ignorant and naive to what she may be up to- just that you need to take a step back and realize where your line in the sand is. Pick your battles wisely or not only will you be fighting all the time, but when there is a legitimate "deal-breaker" issue you want her to actually listen to, she's much less likely to take you seriously.
Ergh, I'm not articulating this very well, but it makes sense in my head I swear, lol. Look, if she wants to cheat- she'll find a way to cheat... if she feels controlled or thinks less of you then its just amplifying any motivation she might have to cheat. So do the only things you can (without making things worse or becoming a doormat)... be more easy going, stop worrying about things you can't control and just let them go. Deal with situations when they arise, do not try to act pre-emptively to prevent something that may not even happen... you will drive yourself insane- worst case scenario it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy... Give your wife the benefit of the doubt and trust her. Show her that you're the guy she once chose to marry and show her why you're better than any old male friends she may happen to have.
Apologies if this sounds fragmented- pretty tired- just food for thought.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): Ok Sir, now, I want you to sit down with her, with no distractions and ask her,
1 how would she feel if the shoe was on the other foot.
2 Does she think your that silly to assume infidelity is only in movies, hello its in real life too.
3: Ask her, does that kind of attire send an inappropriate message?
4: How would you feel about you reconnecting with a bunch of chicks you used to "hang" with.
5: Ask her why, when knowing that you are a her husband, and she knows it makes you very uncomfortable, does she do it anyway, does she have no respect for you? (Doesn't sound like it)
6 and finally - WHY THE HELL IS SHE LYING ABOUT IT!?! Lying does not = trustworthy, and does not = respect. Its simple logic, christian or not.
Are you a man or a mouse? Don't get animated, just get the answers, don't let her walk out, cry or leave, tell her your her husband and you need to sort this out NOW. Its not fair you don't sleep at night, and honestly she's an adult and should know better.
Good luck, keep us posted.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2010): oops. Sadly i think your wife is auditioning her next husband. Is she behaving like the ideal woman you would want to have babies with? Is here gene pool derived from people who are likely to make ideal parents? So first i am going to suggest you get your financial affairs in order. Bank accounts/check accounts and credit cards in joint names are great when the relationship is good. And Bad Bad Bad when the relationship is ending or has ended. Make sure you know how much credit card debt your wife is carrying. She may not care how much she maxes out debt. Afterall you are her husband, she will expect you to pay her debts. If you rent you may like to check out any terms in the lease so that you are not disadvantaged unfairly. Discreetly move out any especially precious or sentimental items or at least pack them somewhere safe so you dont forget to take them when you do leave. And decide how you will live your live if it is a life without your wife. I would go so far as to suggest you consult a divorce lawyer. This sounds tough but i sense that your wife is self absorbed and has not been entirely truthful to you. She has not messed up once, not twice, but several times. And those are the times you KNOW about. Her behavior does not auger well for future together. If your wife was 16 years i would suggest she was a silly, selfish liar, too immature to settle down. And too into Facebook to get real and show respect to you. But i think your wife is older than 16, so i expect more mature empathic behaviour. Thus i have been less forgiving of your wife. I wish you luck.
...............................
|
