A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel like I'm falling out of love with my bf and, as this has never happened to me before, I need advice: do you stay and fight for love? Or if love has gone, should you leave?For background: we've been together 18 months, don't live together, but are looking for places to move in together; no children; both work full time. He is gorgeous, funny, kind, caring. We usually get on great together, share interests, and have a great sex life.But, things have happened that have shaken my trust in him. Like, me finding out last week that he was sending his ex-girlfriend suggestive texts 6 months ago. She was asking him to meet up with her. He was planning to, until a mutal friend told him she wants to get back together with him, after which, he ceased contact. I found out about this through a mutual friend, asked him about it, he confirmed the story. Said he hadn't been leading his ex on, hadn't been flirty, but he had. They'd been together 6 months until she left him for her ex. 7 months ago, I miscarried our baby. I asked him not to tell anyone, and he told his family and mutual friends of ours, which really upset me and made me feel he wasn't loyal to me. 12 months ago, he went out with friends, got drunk, ended up in bed with two female friends. Swears nothing happened. Hasn't seen them since. And one month before that, he'd been sexting an ex-work colleague. I found out 'cos his phone was beeping in the middle of the night, I thought it was his alarm, got up to turn it off, and found the messages. Again, he told me he hadn't realised it was wrong, nothing happened, blah blah.I forgave all the stuff in the past, and we were back on track together, happy, me trusting in him, moving forwards. I've never done anything to betray his trust. I'm supportive of him, and feel that actually I put in more effort into our relationship, but was ok with that.Until last week....finding out the stuff about his ex has made me feel pretty low. I feel stupid because either I'm overreacting and being unfair to him by being not pleased about it, or I am being incredibly stupid in thinking that this man can change, can be faithful to me.So, I haven't seen him all week. Told him I need time to think things through. And today he's telling me he misses me, wants to take me out tonight (he hasn't done this for ages, like, 8 months maybe?). I'm not looking forwards to seeing him :( Normally I would be, normally even seeing a text from him would give me butterflies in my stomach, but at the moment, I just don't care whether I see him or not, I don't want him to try and kiss me, and I definitely don't feel like I would like to stay with him overnight or have sex with him.Do I wait and see if this feeling passes? Or do you think the events have resulted in me losing my love for him? Just don't know what to do :( I do love him, and he has talked about us getting married and having a family after we move intogether, which makes me feel happy, but I don't want to be a woman who doesn't trust her husband :(What would you do? Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): If there was real love in your relationship at one time then I would say you should fight for it. But seems to me that your relationship never had real love because of his repeated inability or unwillingness to curb his sexual activities with other women, as well as other activities that are meant to lead to sex acts and probably would if given enough time. Don't think that marriage will change someone - if he can do this now, he can certainly do it if married. you should fight for love when it is mutual and it's outside forces beyond your control that are throwing obstacles in your way. You fight for love when it's the two of you against these outside obstacles. But when it's your own partner who's the obstacle in your relationship, you're pretty much fighting either your partner or yourself. As in, fighting against your own common sense and your need to be treated with respect. It makes no sense to continue to hold onto such a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): should you fight for love or let it die and move on? Depends on WHY the love is dying in the first place. If it's because your partner has done a lot of bad things and has lied to you many times such that you now can't trust him (for good reason) then you should just let your feelings die and move on, you shouldn't try to fight for love because this isn't even love to begin with. You would just be fighting on for the illusion of love, an illusion you've been under all this time.
your relationship is very one sided. Him constantly doing things that hurt your feelings, lying to you, and which are a betrayal of trust, and then you "forgiving" him and carrying on as if nothing happened. This is not love, and past a point it's not even forgiveness anymore. This is you turning a blind eye to bad behavior so you can delude yourself into think you have a great relationship. but you know deep down that you're hurting (a sign that you haven't actually forgiven him, because a lot of those acts are really not forgivable). After a while you just can't ingore the truth anymore.
he may talk of marriage and family, but I think his idea of marriage/family is very different from yours. Already, his idea of "being in a committed relationship" is obviously different from yours and different from what most people would expect. So you should be recoiling and horrified when he even mentions marriage, not using it as a basis for thinking all can still be well.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 In my personal opinion, love dies very much like a snowball rolls. It begins with small things, but, once it begins rolling, there's nothing to stop it.
The bad thing about this man is that you could argue that staying with him is a valid option. Personally, I disagree.
The miscarriage thing, I would not complain. Probably he felt sorry for the loss, which was his as well, and had to vent (I'm not saying this is what happened, but let's give him the benefit of doubt). But the sexting and the ending up with two women and swearing that nothing happened, that's different.
I swear that, if I ended up in bed with two women, I wouldn't touch any of them. I just would pray my rosary.
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 No you do not wait until this feeling passes. I sincerely hope for your sake that it doesn't pass. This man has been unfaithful to you emotionally, and, let's be honest, probably physically. Nothing he has done shows me that he really cares about or respects you. The more you forgive what he does, and let him carry on in your relationship consequence-free, the more he'll feel free to do these things. The fact that he's the sort of guy to do those things to begin with is shady enough. Get out now, and give yourself the chance to be happy with a man who deserves you, and will treat you as well as you will treat him... because that's what YOU deserve!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2012): from original poster: thanks for your advice. Part of me wonders if i'm overreacting...'cos it could be worse, right? And part of me wonders if most men are that way-even if they have a gf, if another girl shows interest, they lap it up, just to different degrees? I'm so confused!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 March 2012):
 Women who don't trust htheir husbands quite often have got husband who can't be trusted...
What does he mean, " nothing happened " ? Something DID happen. What happened is that he was sexting with a colleague, and ended up in bed with two female friends. Would he be totally fine with you sexting your colleagues, and spending the night drunk in bed with two male friends of yours ? Could you get away with a " nothing happened , no big deal " ?...
Add to this the fact that he blabbed around your secret , just like you had asked him not to do, and ... you find that your problem is not " having trust issues ", is having a bf who showed you repeatedly that he can't be trusted. . We have a proverb here that says " First time, you forgive . Second time , you condone . Third time, you break their bones ".
If you add to this a fourth accident, in less than 18 months..I think it's very natural that you get sick and tired, and see your feelings changing and fading away.
Per se, the ex gf episode is not so bad, because eventualy he refused to meet her and broke contact. But, with his track record, he surely should have been more discerning, and more worried to be worthy of the trust that you had given him back.
From where I stand, he already had his " probation " period, and he already screwed it up , so no point in keeping giving him " one more chance " forever . Then again, I am not the one who's in love with him, so I understand that for you it's hard to decide what to do, maybe you need some time to think it over seriously , and decide whwther the pros of being with him outweigh the cons so much that, all considered, you could put up with more indiscretions ( yes, veeery probable there would be more ,- or not.
Until you have cleared your mind though, don't rush into anything. Do not go live with him, and ,most of all, do not get married, hoping that just by being married things will miracolously change.
it was not a once off ).
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