A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Do you sometimes have to play games in relationships?I met a guy a short while ago and he came on really, really strong...not sexually, but lovingly and wanting a relationship. He kept saying he was afraid to get involved with me because he worried I would leave him or hurt his feelings. I consistently told him I wouldn't do that, but let's take time to get to know each other.In the space of a month, he has told me twice that he doesn't want to be with me. Usually in a really cold way---just a "don't call me" kind of text or email. The first time he did this, he apologized and said he was being a jerk and he is afraid of falling in love. The 2nd time he apologized again and said he just isn't sure what he wants.So, I have tried to be his friend as I do really like him, but he seems kind of weird about it. He will ignore some texts or calls and respond to others. He has refused to meet with me in the past week or so. But then he will text me randomly---usually something emotional. Then he backs off again. Sigh.Lately I had been trying my hardest to have him relax a bit and stop being so cold. The guy I met was very warm and caring, and the guy he is being now is really cold and distant. I think it is because of some things he went through recently (incarceration).He texted me that I was being too pushy and it bothered him. I apologized and told him I didn't mean to come across that way. He then texted me to meet for a date. I wasn't sure he would show, as he hadn't been willing to meet. Of course, when I asked him when we were meeting, etc., he just ignored my texts. He only replied after a few hours with a goodnight.So now, of course, after I have stopped texting him, he sends me a short text.Should I reply? My friend says I am coming across as desperate, and should not contact him for a while.The guy has told me he is afraid of falling in love, etc. Part of me thinks that is one of the reasons why he acts as he does. The other part of me is just not sure if he likes me. He also doesn't try to just have sex, so I am not worried about that being his motive. I feel like he does like me, but when he gets cold and somewhat mean, it makes me feel like he doesn't like my personality.
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (14 December 2010):
What a jerk! He has problems...I used to see a guy that acted very similar to that and trust me, they don't change and they only piss you off more. He doesn't even deserve to have you as a friend.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): Don't feel stupid. He had a chance of getting supported and understood and he blew it. Be glad you got out of there before it got worse.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought that not calling him for a while would be good. He texted me and today I texted him again. I asked him a simple, funny question, and he goes off on my AGAIN. This time saying I am being too pushy.
He really, really went off on me, told me not to contact him again, and made some pretty hurtful comments.
I told him that I had only wanted to be my friend, and now, I end up feeling like a horrible person. I let him into my home because he doesn't have stable housing, and no money, and I felt he would be more comfortable at my place. Instead, he tells his family how messy my place is and he refuses to talk to me. All of this is over text or email.
I will not contact him any further. He has it in his mind that I want a relationship with him, even though I have a lot of reservations about that, and really wanted to be his friend, first and foremost.
I feel so stupid right now. :(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): You're doing great! Now you've made it clear that he can't take your attention for granted.
However, I'm not sure if that will be enough to make him realize his mistakes, and then change on his own. Have you tried telling him exactly what you expect from him? Trust, stability, respect...
I think most men are much more willing to put effort into something if their goals are clear and specific, so it might help. Otherwise he may not realize what's wrong with him, and his first instinct would be to blame it all on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo, it seems like maybe the guy does like me....I stopped texting him on Friday after he said it bothered him, and he has texted me every day since....I have ignored some of the texts, but did reply briefly to one. I have definitely toned down the amount of times I am replying or contacting him.
I figure that if he does care for me, he will act in a far more respectful way than he has in the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for all of your advice.
I do admit that at first, when he came on so strong, I kind of pulled back. I still think he came on strong just because of maybe his being alone for a while, and not specifically because of me.
But, once I started kind of believing him, I came on strong as well. So, I do think that maybe I was too perky or upbeat about the whole thing for him. Not sure. It is so weird....he talks about love and I resist for a while, and the minute I give in then he changes his mind. Weird. :(
I haven't contacted him for a while, so I think that it will help us both to have some time to think of things. I have to accept that as much as I want him to be able to openly talk with me and be clear about things, that may not be how he is used to communicating, which is why he seems to prefer to only text me.
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A
male
reader, Tizzie0612 +, writes (12 December 2010):
 yeah it sounds like he has been through somethings..with the incarcaration and all.Honestly, he has some issues with himself he needs to take care of before he can be with you.Sounds like he is afraid of being close and has trust issues.I would back off a little and be there for him when HE is ready. In the mean time dont really stress it. Just go with the flow. If you get tired try to gradually move on as time goes by
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): There's more to this than meets the eyes. What have you done or said to him to prompt him to be insecure with you?
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female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (12 December 2010):
Did you leave something out? I don't really see how you've come across as desperate? If anything, the way you described him, he needs to be on medication or something. Sounds like a weirdo. Plus he was incarcerated? What are you doing getting mixed up with this guy? He doesn't sound like much of a winner.
To answer your question though. Sure, there's the cat and mouse game at first with a guy. I do agree that most of the time you should let him call and set up dates. But the way he's acting is just weird and will probably only start to annoy you after a while before you give up. You're not even in a relationship and he's acting like this, imagine how he would be if you were in a relationship!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): :( I will watch this. I relate to the not wanting to come off as desperate, even when you're sure you are not. Expressing real feeling can unattractively come across that way, I think, and that is Bothersome.
Yipes,
T.V.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): You're trying to have a relationship with a manipulative, moody ex-convict who doesn't know what he wants and who was going to stand you up?
Anyone can pull off the gentleman act at the beginning of the relationship. It quickly falls apart if you're not honest. Even if his goal is not to have sex with you, he's still using you for his mind games and that's still low.
Ignore him until HE is desperate, and take the time to decide what to do. If you feel generous, give him that one last chance to make up his mind.
It's normal to be afraid of falling in love, but you don't want a coward. If he's not willing to risk his fragile little heart for you then you don't have to do the same for him.
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