A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:It's a long distance relationship. I met this guy online and I've fallen in love with him. He use to text me everyday but for two weeks now, the texting has stopped. When he called this week he complained that I have a mixed personality and if I don't change he'll leave me because he thinks I'm a pretender. I didn't know I was like that until now. I try my best to be myself just so that he understand that I want this relationship to work but it's all in vain. He keeps complaining about the same thing. I love this guy and I don't want to lose him.What do I do?Thanks
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 I can only tell you what I really think and share what life experience I have.
You have known this guy for a very short time, text messages and written communications can very easily be misread and interpreted incorrectly.
That said I'm afraid alarm bells are ringing here and very loudly and I'll tell you why.
You have known this guy too short a time for him to be totally hung up on you, so if he really believes you to have a mixed personality why is he not walking away?
I'll tell you why because he's trying to control you. This is how domestic abuse starts.
You DO NOT have a mixed personality, there is NOTHING wrong with you. This guy will however chip away at your self esteem and use your love for him to slowly break you down until you believe that you're a bad person, unlovable, worthless and totally confused as to who you really are.
He will make you feel grateful for his attention and you will hang on to him, believing his every word and forgiving him for any indiscretions or mistreatment because you'll truly believe that you're nothing without him and need him. You'll also believe that no-one else will ever love you.
This guy will have low self esteem and you make him feel good about himself. In order for him to continue feeling good he will want to feel superior to you and order to do this he must lower your self esteem. It's a form of bullying.
I know this sounds extreme but I know this is how it starts, it happened to me when I was 15 years old and I was trapped until I was 25 and found the strength to leave.
If this guy, especially so early into your relationship, is already criticising you rather than singing your praises, get out.
Do not hang around hoping that he'll love you back. A man who loves you would make you feel amazing, he would flatter and compliment you, this guy sounds unkind.
If you guys haven't actually met and spent lots of time together how can he possibly make such a judgement about you? Is he a psychologist? I don't think so!
I know you believe you love him, but save your love for someone more deserving it.
I'm sorry if this advice is harsh but I hope it helps AB x
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Hello, Thanks for clarifying.
Well, as I said, he can't really comment on your personality since he's never met you so don't take any negative comments to heart.
I'd be wary about investing too much emotion in someone you've never met because you also don't really know much about his personality. Better to try and think a bit more realistically and try not to label your feels as 'love'.
My experience of online dating is that there are some people there who just want to exchange emails and texts and never really have the intention of meeting (fantasy relationships being easier than real life ones). He may think that you are one of those people (hence calling you a pretender) or he may be one himself; perhaps the complaints about your personality are his way of backing out of meeting up in a months time.
Sadly I'm am not sure anything will come of your 'relationship' with this man because of what you've written. You're already facing problems and that's before meeting. They could be problems caused by misunderstandings, however, which are all too likely to happen when the bulk of communication is via text.
If nothing comes of it, please learn some lessons and take some advice from someone who's been there and done that: it's always better to meet a person sooner rather than later, to reserve developing attachments and strong feelings until you've really had a chance to get to know the person, and also it's just more simple to meet someone local. I set myself a rule that the person had to live no more than an hour away - anything more would just be unrealistic for me personally.
Good luck, OP. If it doesn't work out, please don't take it to heart but do try to learn from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Daisy Daisy, thanks for your reply. I've met this guy on a dating site about 2months ago and he swept me off my feet...well, we haven't met physically yet. We were planing to do so in a month or so
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 February 2014):
I started to answer but realised what I was writing was all based on the assumption that you haven't actually met this guy yet in real life. But I may be completely wrong.
Please could you tell us whether you've met him face to face, how often, how long you've known him etc, so people can offer the most appropriate advice? For example, he can't judge your personality if he's never met you.
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