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female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Do you believe in spanking your child? I've heard people say they believe in it and others believe that its wrong. Personally, i believe in it if they are out of control and have been warned repeatedly. Don't judge, it was how i was raised and my parents before that. What's your opinion? How were you raised? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey! Last time i checked this post there were only 2 answers, so i didn't really respond until i checked it again, now. To the first anonymous answerer, no I'm perfectly fine, just curious because I saw something on tv! To eyeswideopen, your school assignment post cracked me up! But no, It wasn't for a project. I agree with some of you, dissagree with others, but all of you make a very valid point. To be honest, i only remember being spanked--3 times? if I had really pushed the limit I got a "do you want a spanking" warning. I was usually grounded/had things taken away as a punishment. Like some readers said, there is a difference between beating a child and spanking them. And by spanking I mean a lightly, a way to get the message across. No red marks. Also to be honest, i don't remember being scared or humliated or whatever else some of the readers said (there are ALOT of posts, i can't remember it all). I do remember thinking something like "uh oh time to stop" whenever I got the warning, because any spanking isn't fun. Thank you for your answers!! It did make me think! Out of curiousity, you don't have to answer this, but what is your opinion on the way i was raised? I won't judge! I think me and my siblings were raised well but I want to hear your opinion. Thanks again!
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 June 2011):
 @Justfriends : you sound like a nice young man, but there are many different factors in an education. Maybe you are nice EVEN IF you have been spanked, not BECAUSE.
I wish it were so simple, all the kids that get spanked become obedient, kind and polite,all those who never did end up in jail.
In fact,it would seem to go in the opposite direction. Go check studies about juvenile delinquents , or go visit any detention facility, and you 'll find that a conspicuous majority comes from phisically abusive families/environments .
There must be something not working so great with physical means of correction , maybe they are not so effective. Considering the high number of people who has been taught "right and wrong " by smacks and slaps, - we should have a very well behaved society, where almost nobody breaks the rules. There would be no parking tickets or traffic infractions, no people cutting in front of you in a line, no cigarette butts dropped on the sidewalk. Nobody would tell lies, use curse words, or talk too loud ...
Hitting is not about teaching anything, is about exercising control, a short-lived, temporary control. The message the child gets , most of the times, is that he must comply to save his butt, not that action X is wrong or bad or unacceptable. And also, that when someone bothers you or annoys you, it's Ok to bully them to make them stop.
No wonder then if a casual stroll through the streets of your city WON'T give you all that many shining examples of respectful ,highly socialized behaviour we were talking about ...
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reader, justfriends +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I was raised that way and put in place a lot. I got yelled at in front of friends and was embarrassed by it. But honestly it made me a better person I don't cuss in front of girls that much I don't pull out my phone and text on dates I pull out chairs for girls on dates and close the door for them. I have respect for my teachers and feel bad when I get a bad grade because I feel like I failed them. I feel like if a child is out of control they should be spanked or yelled at because they need to learn there place. A child shouldn't be allowed to run wild I feel bad because I know I wanted to many times but its reckless and not safe. My father was hit by a car as a teenager broke his back and hip and was left to die on the side of the road and when I was a kid if I didn't look both ways before walking across the street I got it. He was just doing it to protect me and I am thankful for it.Im not saying you should beat your kid there is a difference between a spanking and a beating. A beating with a belt regardless of circumstances is unacceptable.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 I'll do that next time some adult acts like a brat then. Just slap them across the legs or give them a kick and say that's more where that came from, unless you behave!
Next thing you know I'll be placed on the ground by the cops. But, by all means, assault the kid and no one will care? I'm just happy people came to their senses in Norway and made it illegal.
Hitting is hitting, physical abuse is physical abuse, whether it's a husband smacking his wife because HE thinks she's misbehaving, or a parent smacking their child because THEY think the child is misbehaving. What on earth is the difference?
Thing is, if you had disipline in the house the spanking isn't necessary. It's never necessary. My mother didn't use violence against us, she had main custody of us, and we were not rampaging around causing destruction. She had dicipline, and we were more well behaved than other kids. What my dad did had nothing to do with teaching right or wrong, and everything to do with him not controlling his temper and not understanding children or how they act.
Many times children don't know better, or they are only playing games. Then the adult makes up some ignorant rules on a whim, no warning, and physical abuse that damage the children for life.
Me on the other hand will work hard to prevent it from happening, and work to make hitting a child seen as just as bad, even worse as it actually is, than hitting an adult. Just because you CAN hit it, because it can't fight back, does that mean you have the RIGHT to do so?
It is quite ignorant to believe in violence as the only way to solve a problem. I seriously question the parenting skills of someone who can't see any other way. It is cruel, and it is worse than hitting a grown adult as the child is inferior in all areas to the adult. Children are humans for crying out loud, not playthings for the adults to deal with as they god damn please. If the child misbehaves it only reflects on bad parenting skills, maybe because you HIT instead of using dicipline. Fear is not the same as knowing the difference of right and wrong.
And last, but not least, who are you anyway to say that you know what is right and wrong, when you use violence to prove your point? I thought we were all above that level by know, knowing that it is wrong to use violence, wrong to hit. We learned that in kinder garden, didn't we? Would you be ok with your child hitting another child on the playground because your child judged that the other did something wrong? Where does the line go? What gives you the right to hit? Can you convince me that YOU know the real difference between right and wrong? Or is this as a matter of fact not at all about right or wrong, but about "either you do as I tell you to or you're in for it"?
Hitting is an abusive control mechanism. It has nothing at all to do with teaching right from wrong, it's about a parent without control over their temper who wants to punish.
If you're so above the moral high ground that you can hit a child when it misbehaves, try to hit that kid in the supermarket that you believe misbehave and see how grateful their parent is. I mean come on... it misbehaved right, and hitting it will do it good. So why don't you? Because... maybe... you'd get locked up if you did?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2011): The result of liberalism can be witnessed in any supermarket aisle where the kid sits screaming on the floor and mummy is there saying "Come on darling, be a good boy/girl and mummy will buy you some sweeties".
What the kid needs is a damned good slap across the back of the legs and told to behave or else there's more where that came from.
Pussyfooting around spoilt brats does nobody any favours - least of all the brats. Discipline. That's what's missing these days. Toe the line, brat, or it's going to hurt. Simple.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (21 June 2011):
 We aren't doing a school assignment for you by any chance?
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reader, chigirl +, writes (21 June 2011):
I believe it is wrong to use violence against children. What if your spouse was naughty and stole from the cookie jar, would you spank him for it?
And there does the line go? I imagine, if it is all fair and set in stone, specific rules and such, it could be less hurtful. But see, I don't trust that a parent wont lose their grip and just lash out without control. I don't trust that a parent always know their own strenght. I don't trust that a parent knows when a child "deserves" it and when they don't. To be honest, no one deserves physical punishment. That's why we don't throw stones at people as punishment any longer, or give them a round with the whip. Because it's seen as inhumane.
I was physically punished while growing up, and it was random as shit. We could be doing NOTHING, and get lifted up by our ears and screamed at. I'm sure my father believed himself that he was right to do so, that we had brought it upon ourselves. But I'll never forgive it. So unless you want yoru children to resent you... be kind. Not a physically abusive parent.
I'll mention though that in Norway at least it is illegal to use violence against your children. No spanking, no slapping, no nothing. The state will come and take the child away and put it in foster care.
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (21 June 2011):
With all due respect for my colleague Aunts and their parents, , so far I have never seen a parent doling out a good smack, just out of their olympically serene intention to instill the notion of right or wrong.
To tell you the truth , if there WERE such a cold blooded ,unemotional parent, able to say : Very good, now I am going to hurt , scare and humiliate my child,to instill him right or wrong, ,for his higher future good - this parent would give me the creeps.- For some reason I imagine him with a Christhopher Walken-like disquieting crazy glassy look in his eyes :)
In real life, parents hit because THEY are out of control , not their kids. They feel tired, nervous, stressed out,overwhelmed,impotent,inadequate... and they smack , just out of sheer frustration .
Did it ever happen to me ? You bet ! Very seldom but it did, I am only human, I can feel frustrated like anybody else.
The difference is ,I know that it had to do with MY "acting out " rather than with my son's. I am the adult, I am the one who's supposed to find a civilized, mature , non violent way to correct and guide my young ones.
The thing that amazes me, it's how many people say " it works ". As I said in my previous post, no, that's very debatable- but that's not really the point, the point is :
is it acceptable ?
Would you accept to show up late for a date , and being slapped by your notoriously punctual boyfriend ? What if he said " I had warned you many times, I can't stand people who are late " ?
If you break the speed limit, would you accept if the cop would give you , rather than a fine,a nice heavy smack on the back of your head, so next time you'll know not to push that speed pedal ?
Oh , you say,but that's different. That would be between equals, between adults, so that would not be Ok.
A child is smaller, is inferior, is weaker ,is dumber than an adult, - so he's not our equal. It's precisely his inferiority, his being less than us, that authorizes us to beat him, as we would not do with another adult member of society ...Mmmmm...This way of thinking ( that it's Ok to beat up somebody who is socially / physically less powerful than us ) can take to very very wrong directions in life....
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reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (21 June 2011):
 My brother and I were occassionally at the receiving end of a smack or two. It was very infrequent but I think it did go some way towards instilling a sense of right and wrong.
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reader, dmartin89  +, writes (20 June 2011):
 The role of parents is to maintain order, a sense of calm, continuity and morality in their children's lives. In my opinion smacking children is the antithesis of all of the aforementioned principles. Besides teaching children that physical violence is acceptable, what does it say about you as a parent if the only way you can make your child behave is by hitting them?
I would not hit an adult if the were acting in a way I found displeasing, so why does a child have any less rights than an adult? I am in agreement with the fact that children need to be disciplined, and indeed a lack of discipline can do just as much damage as physically punishing your children, but children deserve respect. They have their own thoughts, feelings and opinions, and it is jobs as parents to guide them to become civilized, responsible and respectable citizens; and I maintain that smacking has no role to play in this coercion.
Rather, we should provide an environment where children know that there are boundaries in place, but also that their opinion is respected and valued, and that smacking is not the way to make someone behave in the manner you would prefer. Instead we should promote talking, debating and exploring one another's opinions as a valid option to encourage the behaviour we expect from both our children and other members of society.
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reader, Hugh.J +, writes (20 June 2011):
 Actually, "dmartin89", we are not as far apart in opinions as it seems, but I have indeed watched several "Nanny" programmes all the way through and fully agree that the fault lies with the parents, largely - the kids know they can get away with murder and will only get spoken to ineffectually, never chastised. Jo is a good programme maker, but I venture to suggest NOT a good parent. As I said before, once she and the camera crew have gone away, things return to as they were before, with the kids having learned nothing and the parents still at a loss as to what to do.I'm pleased to read that "Monks" agrees with me and also underlines the degree of chastisement - no marks and no hurt hands - just sufficient to give a message.I would also, obviously, reinforce the smack with a full explanation of what the crime was, as if the child didn't know: they usually know exactly what they have done wrong!And lastly, essentially, let the child know he/she is loved, but the unacceptable behaviour isn't.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): I believe in smacking a child if they have been pre warned numerous times, but when i say smack i mean a light smack, not a smack that is going to leave your hand stinging or the child with marks. I think thats were some people cross the line.
When my children are naughty and they dont do as they are told i tell them to do whatever it is and if they do not then i count to three, and if i ever get to three then they get a smack. My children know too well that they are not allowed to act like brats and they very rarely get smacked because the minute i say number one they have reacted and done what they are told.
I don't want my children to fear me but i do want them to respect me and they know by my tone what kind of form i am in so thankfully i don't have much trouble with them. Also everyone praise's them and how good they are when we are out so i must be doing something right. I know alot of people with children who they do not smack and they do be tearing their hair out because the children won't listen to them.
I just go by how i was raised and i have brought my children up the same way, they know i love them and they also know their boundaries it works for us and they are very happy children.
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reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (20 June 2011):
 I'm probably in the minority, but I believe in spanking. There is nothing wrong with a little smack across the backside. It sets you straight and you know not to do it again. An example:
My mom was always the spanker for me and my brother. When we did something wrong, we knew it and got spanked across the butt. We cried, mostly cause of embarrassment and knew we didn't want to do it again. Lesson learned.
My dad, on the other hand, only did timeout. I remember one time my mom must have been shopping or something, and my brother and I were acting out and he put a chair in the kitchen and a chair in the living room. My brother sat in the kitchen and I sat in the living room, both of us facing the wall, for some amount of time. I can't speak for my brother, but I know I never learned anything and as soon as this boring time ended, I was gonna do it again.
Trust me, spanking works. I have no idea why people associate spanking with child abuse - it is NOTHING LIKE CHILD ABUSE!!! Just a little smack across the bum sends a message. I'm definitely going to spank whenever I have children.
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reader, dmartin89 +, writes (20 June 2011):
Yes, I have seen may episodes of the "Jo Frost" program, although I doubt that you have actaully sat down and watched one then you would see what I see;
Parents not knowing how to parent and those who smack their childeren do so because of their fustration of not being able to control their child.
In that program, Jo is more involved with teaching the parent than the child. I do get angry at the behaviour of the childeren on that show, and I also feel sorry for them because nobody has explained to them WHY their behaviour is bad and unaccaptable, they just get yelled at or smacked. That is conditioning a child to fear their parents, not to learn from them. And in my opinion that is not good parenting.
Childeren rule the home because parents let them and dont make the effort to ensure effective discipline. The occasional smack isnt going to improve the situation.
And what happens when the child is older and a smack isnt working? Do you hit harder? Do you get a belt out when your teenage child stayed out later then curfew? Do you start punching when you child has had enough and hits you back?
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reader, Hugh.J +, writes (20 June 2011):
I'm sorry that "dmartin89" is so strongly against my comments. I am not a serial chastiser and DO explain what was wrong, etc., but if you have ever seen any of those Jo Frost "Nanny" programmes, especially those based in America, and seen children running riot and ruling the home, maybe you would agree that a smack on the back of the legs is desperately called for?
They seem to understand little else, and Jo's techniques only work when the cameras are running and she is present.
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reader, angelDlite +, writes (19 June 2011):
 no i don't believe in spanking a child no more than i believe in punching a rude obnoxious person badly behaved adult. and yes, i am a parent and yes i HAVE smacked my son occasionally but the times i have smacked him is when i have been too tired to deal with my frustration and to discipline him in the proper way. that says more about my lack of parent skills than it does about my son's behaviour which is why i have never made a habit of smacking him. his behaviour is really really good to be honest and i have literally only smacked him a couple of times throughout his entire childhood so i am not in agreement with anyone who says that smacking a child teaches them to behave well. it doesn't. your kids learn by your example so don't teach em that giving someone a slap coz they have pissed you off or gone against your wishes is the way to go
x
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reader, dmartin89 +, writes (19 June 2011):
Hugh.J - and what is he learning from his wrong doing? He gets a smack instead of his parent calmly explaining what he did wrong and why he shouldent do it again. He is punished physically for something he cant mentally understand.
My mum smacked me once with a wooden spoon when I was 7 because her abusive ex husband told her too. I remember that exact moment, I remember thinking "You're my mummy, why are you hurting me?" I didnt understand what I had done wrong. I accidently shut the car door on my step-brothers wrist and on his watch. I didnt hurt him, I didnt break the watch, I said sorry, so why was I being punished?
I am completely with natasia on this one, and to be honest, I am rather shocked at the quantity of "aunts" who beleive in smacking their childeren.
Smacking a child as punishment is and incredibly unintelligent of helping your child to learn.
How is spanking any better than getting down to their level and saying a strong "NO" - then explaining what they have done wrong and why.
If a child runs into the road and you have to pull him out the way, how is spanking him any better then saying to him "Do you want to die? If you do that again then you will" The you show him how to cross the road properly.
I am sick of women in supermarkets saying to their childeren "Dont do that or you will get a smack". What does "that" mean? What will a smack do? Maybe that mother should bring her childeren up to know not to run around a supermarket.
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reader, Hugh.J +, writes (19 June 2011):
Whilst I feel that "natasia" and others do have valid points, I tend to fall in with "Odds", especially regarding the traffic situation - better to deliver instant punishment than have a dead child.
In early years, a child cannot make reasoned value judgements about the rights and wrongs of any particular situation, he just acts on impulse without regard for any consequences, so immediate feedback in the form of a swift slap is necessary. It is also easily understood and referenced to by even the youngest offender!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 June 2011):
Oh gosh.
There are tons of serious, reputable, extensive ,circumstantial reaserches by the most brilliant minds of modern pedagogy about the ultimate ineffectiveness and high damage potential of physical punishment .
Go read some Bettelheim, some Winnicott, some Alice Miller, just to name the ABC, and see if by any chance they don't at least plant a seed of doubt regarding such a Dickensian attitude toward child-raising.
Of course, there IS also a pedagocic current validating the practice of instilling a social superego in the child by violent means. Not by chance, it's commonly known as " BLACK pedagogy ". Like BLACK magic.
As for the cane lady, trying my best not to be offensive or judgemental, I'll just say that it's lucky for her that the law of her country support her educational system.
In other countries, including mine, she would be arrested and charged.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): Its an interesting subject.
here in the uk, you will be arrested for hitting an adult but not a child! Where's the child protection there!
I have 3 children aged 26, 23 and 16. I'm ashamed to say that i did 'smack' my older two if they were naughty but realised it was my way of venting the anger which i felt when they misbehaved, i also realised this was very immature of me and I lacked control of the situation. It's not a positive way of dealing with bad behaviour. I look back now and regret some moments when i smacked them.
I made a decision when my youngest was born to bring him up differently and i never really smacked him or the other two from then onwards.
All 3 have turned out really well, because i made a point of always being there for them and available for them to talk to me.
I believe in building a relationship out of talking to young children and making them very aware of my unhappiness by clear firmness of my voice of what they have done, but not smacking.
Other punishments, such as removing them from the situation, taking away a treat they look forward to or favourite toy for a while seems to work well, as does 'time out' in their room.
If two siblings were fighting and one hit the other and that child was upset, do you smack the child who hurt the other? if so, what does that teach the children? Develop tactics to reprimand a child, not violence.
At the end of the day if you did something wrong, which we all do, would you accept being hit?
I now work in a special needs school,nothing works better than developing a very good relationship with the children I work with and knowing what makes them happy/sad, then i have levers to be able to control bad behaviour such as taking away a special treat they may look forward to doing at school, or having something to work towards. Sometimes you only have to do that one thing once or twice for them to know you mean business and then the threat is all what's needed next time! But never threated a punishment which you aren't prepared to carry out! be consistent and make sure your partner is dealing with things in the same way or you end up with children playing one adult off against the other.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): I think that people who are against spanking have never seen a misbehaving child and have no idea how bad kids can get. When they think of kids, they are thinking of cute little angels on their best behavior. But sometimes kids are impossible to control, they are like a destructive force that can't be tamed. Yes, I do believe in spanking, because kids don't have enough reason to understand words sometimes.
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reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (19 June 2011):
People's opinions are largely shaped based on how they are brought up, and the prevailing attitudes of our society. Our society has an accepting view of this kind of violence towards children. Certain kinds of violence are frowned upon and others are condoned or accepted based on social attitudes, but that doesn't make it right, or acceptable, or pragmatically speaking a good strategy. It is strange that some violence can be rationalised as being ok, isn't it? It probably isn't strange to most adults because we live in a strange world.
Spanking your child might look like it gets them in line quickly, but it has been shown to be an ineffective strategy for shaping behaviour, especially in the long term, and at the same time it affects children and parents negatively in an emotional and developmental sense. When you hit a child, you give the child a message that violence is acceptable in certain circumstances, that they need to love you and fear you as their caretaker, and that they themselves are bad rather than having made a mistake in their behaviour. The world will be a better place when we as adults understand ourselves that violence is not acceptable, that the people we love and who love us do not need to fear us, and that people are ok even if they make mistakes in their behaviour. While we are making progress in the right direction, we are still a long way off from that reality.
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reader, G_S +, writes (19 June 2011):
In short: Yes, spankings should always be an option.
In more detail: There are different levels of discipline, and different methods of positive reinforcement as well as negative reinforcement of behaviors and boundaries.
Every child is different and responds differently to different methods, and that changes over the years. Younger children tend to need more correction resulting in spankings. However, a spanking done correctly, can immediately reinforce the seriousness of a rule violation. This should not be an outright beating in anger or child abuse, but a disciplinary action.
As children get older, they understand situations, education, rules, consequences, and logic, so you can discuss things with them and often use different reinforcements (positive or negative), not spankings.
Now when they become teens, children loose some of their logic and are set back, due to puberty, hormones, etc, and are becoming more independent and rebellious. So this becomes a more challenging time. Spankings can still be an option here for severe penalties, but generally taking away appropriate desirable privileges, free time, money, sports, ECA's, time with friends, etc works even better.
That about covers it! I hope this helped.
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reader, Odds +, writes (18 June 2011):
 It was how I was raised, too, and I certainly believe in it. The application has to be careful, done with forethought and control, not out of rage. There need to be verbal warnings, attempts to reason with the child, and above all, you must be consistent about it.
Kids get crazy, and sometimes you lose control over them. You need a backup plan for when they refuse to listen. The thing is, all authority is ultimately backed up by force. Rules and lessons can be ignored. Take something away, the kid sneaks into the hall closet to steal it back. Lock the door, they yell and break things. Put them in the corner, they leave. It's the reason we have police, after all - even adults are not always reasonable, why should we expect children to be?
Besides, as Gandhi said, "It is better to do violence, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on a cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence." People who grow up in a loving environment, but familiar with the application and consequences of violence, are more likely to respect it and be better people for it. As far as I can tell, anyway.
Health and safety concerns are the exception to the "fair warning" system, to me. If the kid runs out into traffic, you haul his butt back onto the sidewalk and spank him right there. Build an immediate aversion to running out into traffic.
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reader, natasia +, writes (18 June 2011):
 If they are handled properly, and have a strong relationship with their parents, they won't be out of control, will respond to warnings and won't need spanking.
Calmness, respect, understanding - that is what a mature parent should give. Spanking is not effective, and undermines and frightens a child. And demeans the parent.
There are more intelligent and effective ways to bring up a child.
I think that to spank a child, you have to feel angry with the child. And that anger is not good. It is not control - it is lack of control. It is also a terrible example.
I was raised with the occasional threat of spanking, hardly ever carried out. My brother and sister were never spanked. And we were all perfectly nice, good children. Absolute rubbish, in my opinion, that spanking is necessary. I think quite the opposite. If you are in control of your child, things never get so bad that spanking is necessary. But you need to be a really good parent.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): I was raised to respect my parents, if i stepped out of line i was warned and this was often enough. I knew that what my parents said they meant. I can honestly say i was only ever spanked a couple of times..the back of the leg stingers off mum and once off my father as a last resort because i laughed when my mum did it, and said it never hurt. I can assure you it worked 2nd time around because dad meant business. I was shocked because he never physically layed a hand on any four of us but that was because his word was IT and very very frightening if crossed. I was very unruly and out of control as i got older but physical violence was not used to squash me, just words and following through with what they had warned i would loose (no amount of pleading changed this) if i was grounded for two weeks it was two weeks, no matter what. So in answer to your question in my own experience, my parents words were often enough ,they never made idle threats so i knew i could not push to far...or i would get NO ICECREAM/POCKET MONEY/GROUNDED/ ETC. They never lashed out in short tempers and spanked any of us, regardless of past parents methods. They were very strong parents and used their words to discipline.To be'spank happy' is not achieving anything, then buying the icecream ....creates confusion. Some kids think it is normal to be slapped and slapped and pushed about treated rough...it's NOT OK in my opinion. One of my friend's thought it was normal to be hit with a pitch fork ( NO NO NO )until he grew up.There is the odd spanking that is deserved but it is not an every day occurance, even if you are out of control.I wonder why you ask such a question, i hope you are okay? :)
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