A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The conventional wisdom seems to be that a woman's sex drive peaks in her early 30s. Is this consistent with people's actual experiences?I've had an on/off relationship with my girfriend (35 years old) for about 8 years (we were "off" for about 5 years until about a year ago). 6-8 years ago she had a very healthy sex drive, but it seems to have faded to almost nothing lately. I'm trying to figure out if this is typical of women in their mid 30s due to physical changes, or if it is more of a mental thing?She had a baby about 6 years ago, but her sex drive seemed to be fine 6-8 months after having the baby. (This was just prior to the 5 year "off" period in our relationship)She had quite a few sexual partners during the 5 years we were "off", and I'm wondering if she's more or less just gotten tired of having sex constantly; that there's no thrill or excitement to it any more? Is this common for women who have been very active sexually with many different men for many years?She says she's tired of the constant merry go round of different men, and that she feels like a lot of the men she's been with just used her for sex (I think it took her quite a bit longer than most women to figure out that a man doesn't always love you just because he wants to get into your pants). Still, I can't help but wonder if she is so used to the thrill of new sex that she'll get tempted/bored eventually and go hunting for some excitement. I have not seen any signs of this so far, and I do trust her not to cheat. She says she is very attracted to my physically, and that she loves me (and wishes we had not split for 5 years). She was very interested in sex briefly about a year ago when we first got back together, but it dropped off rapidly after 1-2 months. Now she only gets in the mood once every month or two, whereas she wanted sex almost every day 6-8 years ago. Now she just wants to cuddle all the time (I like cuddling, I just wish there was a little (OK, a lot) more sex along with it)I think that our current relationship (only counting the last year), is the longest monogomous relationship she's ever had with a man. All of her prior relationships only lasted 3-4 months, if that. I find myself wondering if her sex drive has dropped off because this is the first relationship she's ever been in long enough to have the thrill of new sex wear off. She gives me a lot of different answers when I ask her why her sex drive is so low (e.g. "I'm too tired", "I'm worried about getting pregnant again" (even though she has an IUD), "I have too much on my mind", "I've changed, I feel guilty when we have sex". It's my impression that she really doesn't know herself what the reason is.Or, possibly she is just testing me to see if I'll leave if the sex is rationed to once a month? (I tend to think this isn't the case because she doesn't seem to get aroused by kissing, etc. in the same way she used to)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): She probably has all of those issues you describe in your posting.Some people find themselves unable to manage a healthy sustained sex life with a long term stable partner after having been promiscuous with a number of short term partners, for a variety of reasons.It usually has to do with psychological issues that they are unwilling or unable to discuss, or that they don't even know that they have.My recommendation is that you go to counseling with her, if you want to stay with her long term, be frank and honest and open in the sessions and talk about your sex lives past and present, the lacks, the good, the bad, and the worries.Any history of rape, sex abuse, neglect, insecurity, and other issues will be VERY hard to get at and deal with. Keep that in mind, it will take months of hard work an introspection.Consider reading "Healing Sex" - http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933Particularly if there has been any history of sex abuse.By the way, just because a person has been sexually abused, and even raped, doesn't mean that they know that. Many women and men who have been date raped or sexually abused by others as well as family members, don't understand that what happened to them was "abnormal" until they are in their 30's, and when they begin to understand what was done to them they begin to react psychologically in ways that they don't even realize they are reacting. Very complex area of life.
A
male
reader, lawyerbait +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Your sex drive may have already peaked. If you're no longer interested in sex, it could be the other stuff you have going on in your life: work, stress, kids, money, whatever. Or it could be a change in your hormones. See a doctor because in some cases it signifies serious medical issues.
Being a guy, it's expected that my testosterone levels would drop in my 30's. When it finally happened, it was a bit unnerving. But it can happen to women too, and the "women are at their peak in their 30's" is kind of a myth in that it takes men scaling back their sexual appetite for many women to say, "ok, if we're finally going to do it, here's what pleases ME."
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (28 December 2010):
One possibility is that she was a sex addict and that she's finally dealing with the addiction, thus the much lower interest / drive. The pattern of behavior where someone has many brief relationships, typically overlapping one another but not always, is a big indicator of an addict. The newness of each partner is what feeds the addiction, and when that wears off they seek out another. If she's overcome this and is truly ready to settle down, her drive will naturally be lower because there's nothing new & exciting about sex with the same partner.
The other possibility is that she has indeed reached an age where her sex drive is diminishing. Everyone is different so I don't believe there's a way to know if this is the case for sure. However, my ex-wife experienced the same sort of thing in her early to mid 30's. In her mid 20's we had sex daily, and typically more often on weekends. Around 30 it dropped down to a few times a week, and five years later it became a monthly or bi-weekly event. I think this is somewhat normal for long term relationships in general, too.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Sounds like she already has given you her answer above. If you re-read your question, she has come out and given you a bunch of reasons why her sex drive is lower (2nd to last paragraph)
I think most women, in their mid to upper 40's start menopause and their sex lives start to dwindle from that point on. I have always heard that women in their 30's are primed for sex.
Being tired and having a child, though, especially for women, tend to buzz kills when it comes to their libido.
So how do you get out of this funk: Perhaps spice up the game of romance, help her out with chores / her kid,take a vacation together -- get back to you and her. Also, be sure that you are effective in bed too. If it's all about you, then
Failing that, perhaps she should go to her obygn and see if there is something amiss from a hormonal standpoint.
If all else fails, you may have to figure out if you are willing to sacrifice steady sex for this woman.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): I was with my ex wife from the age of 20 to 41. I would say she peaked in her early 30's, but a lot of factors played into it. We married at 26 and had a child at 27. The baby years were low sex drive, but for external reasons. The latter years were low sex drive because of work pressures and a mid-life crisis I went through, that ultimately ended our marriage. So its hard to be entirely objective because everyone has external pressures that play into it.
I look at her "peak" as being when she craved sex the most, and was most open to spontaneous sex, which was her early 30's. 20's she was a bit experimantal, but not as needy. 40's she was a cold fish most of the time, but did some insane stuff to me sexually, so perhaps it evolves even beyond that.
With a woman now who miraculously stayed a virgin until 30 despite her insanely good looks and personality. Her sex drive is off the charts, but she is selective and has not been promiscuous. She's 40 and the sex is more intense and better and MUCH more frequent that I ever imagined, let alone experienced.
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