A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:In brief I know a girl who I have been out with a few times, sort of on a friendly basis.I have never ever pushed for any kind of physical involvement,and whenever we go out I just take her home and wave good night.But I know she has begun relationships of sorts with other men who are a lot more aggressive and push for sex...and by my understanding get it.Does my not pushing for physical involvement with her place me automatically in the "friend zone", that is, a nice,harmless guy who she can trust but not be involved with.If I want to engage her romantically, do I need to be more physically aggressive?I was brought up to believe that a basis of understanding should be established before any sex or physical involvement. But it seems that might not work in the modern age,when the more sexually aggressive men are the ones who get the hearts of the girls.Would love to hear your thoughts! Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (16 January 2011):
So many girls, so many preferences...
For me though, I like to take it slow. When a guy doesn't push for sex, I have more respect for him immediately. No offence to the one-night-standers out there, but that's just how I feel. I want to get to really know someone before I get intimate with them and when a guy pushes me, I'm gone.
I don't really have a problem with a kiss at the end of the date--if the attraction is there I love it-- but in general I prefer guys keeping their distance a bit at first.
I don't know if this has been any help to you, as I'm probably in the minority on this, but atleast it'll give you diversity in answers ;-)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 January 2011):
 Define "physically aggressive ".
I don't think that if you kissed her, rather than just waving good night, she would put you into this "physically aggressive " category.
She would just see that you have romantic feelings for her and you want to date, not only be friends.
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A
female
reader, relentlessheart +, writes (15 January 2011):
You need to make some sort of body language that reads more than friend. I wave at friends, I hug friends. Start with a tight hug if that's all you can manage, but if you like this girl you need to let her know. If a guy just waved at me I would be lost thinking he was putting ME in the "friend zone". You don't need to be pushy, but showing interest in her. Maybe a sweet text letting her know you dig her. She's more than likely going to meet you halfway. Maybe she always per-sued those guys, but guess what, they didn't work out, maybe she's ready for something more substantial... but you've got to let her know!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): I think you are worrying way too much about how you compare to "more aggressive guys". You don't come across as the sort of guy who pushes for sex, which is great. Respect is always good.But you do come across as the sort of guy who is too afraid to make a move. If you are literally "waving" her goodnight, then you may inadvertently send the wrong message.I have had many a friend come home bewildered from a date with people like you...and they all wonder:"Why didn't he kiss me...Doesn't he find me attractive? "I can't tell if he likes me or if he's just shy? ""Did I say something wrong that he wouldn't touch me afterward?"They all doubt if the guy is actually interested.So yes, you may be putting yourself in the friend zone. You don't have to jump her, but you should make some physical contact after a date. A hug at the very least. Otherwise you look like a wimp.IF you are intersted in going further and it's the right moment, all you have to do is get closer to her and perhaps touch her lightly...hold her hand or touch her arm or something. If you show that you are open to physical contact, she will probably meet you halfway.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, kittywithissues +, writes (15 January 2011):
It all depends on the girl's personality. Some prefer guys that are rough with them and tell them what to do as if they were the man's slave, some prefer men that are more gentle and listen to them when they need someone to talk to. Try combining the romance and aggressiveness if you can't find out which she prefers. Whether it be a romantic dinner and rough sex or just cuddling with her and treating her like she belongs to you and you alone, just try some ways to combine it and I'm sure you can't go wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You can collect a lot of feedback from various women but it doesn't necessarily mean that feedback is anything like the truth. Women are gonna tell you how they think they should behave but that's not how they really behave.
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A
male
reader, JohnnyXXX +, writes (15 January 2011):
That's always my problem too. It sounds like you're already stuck in the friend zone, and it's probably not gonna happen. The trick, I believe, is not just having the guts to make the move, but also making the move at the right time. If you ever get that electric feeling, and your close to her (or anyone else), make a small move. Just a nice soft kiss that's barely more than a peck on the lips. See how she responds. If it's not favorable, apologise and say you misread the moment. Remember, it's easier to say sorry than live with the regret of not taking a chance.
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A
female
reader, swordandredrose +, writes (15 January 2011):
Trust me, decent girls love guys like you because it seems like you really respect them. Is this girl one of those ones who jump into bed with guys too easily? If so, she doesn't even deserve you; If not, I'm pretty sure she admires you. I would suggest you tell her why you don't push for sexual involvement too much just to make sure that she knows you don't just want to be "friends" with her and that you are actually interested in her.
It sounds like you want a real relationship and not just sex. You need to make sure this girl also wants the same thing. So try talking to her about it. If she rejects you, then you know that she does not want the same thing you want from a relationship.
What you are doing is great and I think every girl would respect you. Guys like you are pretty rare (that's a compliment by the way).
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): OMG. Where are more people like you ?!!
I guess people are not used to that kind of waiting. You maybe don't have to be aggressive, but you know hint it ? If you really want to get romantically involved with this girl, then you must give her something to hold on to ? Like make it clear I guess...someway or the other.
If you don't hint it, she maybe would never know what you had in your mind.
:) :) :) :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): Honestly, no matter how "modern" this world is, every woman is different. For me, however, I only feel comfortable for sex with a new guy when I'M the one to initiate it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): I would like a guy to push for it but subtly and discreetly, and to back off respectfully if I'm not ready.
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