A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:my question is do women, ever look back an wonder? they have been in a relationship for a while and the guy isn't very nice to them, not a gentleman or romantic, before him they were seeing a guy who was, but he wasn't a challenge,they thought he would eventually become just like the guy, they are with now. Then they see him with some one else an they seem so happy doing the things they used to. Do women ever regret dumping the nice guy for a jerk, or are they so cold hearted that they blame the ex for the trouble they are in now? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (10 February 2017):
 I think you're really categorizing here. There are some massive jerks out there but the rest of them are just normal guys with good ams bad traits, like everyone else. Like others said people that brand themselves as "nice guys" are often masking more unsavoury traits. My boyfriends have had a lot of wonderful qualities, character, and qualities I questioned a lot! They were ultimately loving, caring people, although on paper they weren't Jerks/ "nice guys" No woman is truly happy to be made to feel hurt and constantly upset by these jerks. And vice versa. And if that's the sort of drama/ stress she craves in her life then she really needs to grow up/ get a hobby/ get therapy. I agree with fatherly advice, dont worry about women who lap up attention from jerks, who needs the stress?
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male
reader, Billy Bathgate +, writes (9 February 2017):
Nope! And you need to move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): I'm 28. At 20, I did the opposite of your question, (dumped a jerk for a nice guy). I've never once regretted it. And when I hear women at work talk about their bad relationships, it all the more reminds me how well off I am.
I'd be careful referring to yourself as a nice guy, though. Look up the term "self proclaimed nice guys", and you'll understand why.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2017):
 Some times I reply quite quickly without double reading the Original post. The women have covered very well the topic of Nice Guys. you may need to pick through it to get all of the information you might need.
The trouble is there are guys who are nice and gentlemanly, and then there are NICE GUYS. Many of the self proclaimed Nice Guys out there that the women are trying to warn you about are really just smothering, clingy, needy, creepy guys with good manners. This is why they say nice guys never call themselves nice guys.
You mentioned she thought he would be more of a challenge. I would say as Cindy mentioned she probably thought he would be more "interesting". Interesting is a more UK term that I first saw in the Harry Potter books and movies. I've determined that interesting is an actual emotional need for many women. Perhaps even a majority.
Many Mature women will claim that they don't need it any more and that they prefer predictability. What I have come to understand is that they also want security, and they like reliability as well. They don't need drama, but they still want Interesting.
There is a common problem among younger women, 15-35, That when they get a Boyfriend they immediately get very jealous of all of his time. They try to separate him from his friends and his hobbies and his sports. Then suddenly he isn't interesting anymore. And they get Bored.
There is a dangerous book out there Called No More Mr. Nice Guy. It will teach you how not to be needy and clingy, but it can leave you being a real jerk. So you have to look at the advice using the filter of "I want to be interesting and independent." You can have good manners and still be interesting.
On my final reading of your original post I saw that you were asking if seeing her ex in a happy relationship causes regret. The women are right regret is not the right word for the emotion involved frequently. It's much more complicated than regret. It's a mixture of ownership/jealousy, and insecurity. When a couple has been together for a long time they have shared a lot of intimacies, emotional, physical financial and so on. With that comes strong connections. It can be difficult or even painful seeing another person in "your" place.
The insecurity is more connected to those shared intimacies than it is to the idea of wanting him back. It is a worry that he will not keep your secrets from his new partner.
I hope you find that a more complete answer.
FA
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): The perfect guy is a GOOD guy who is BAD just for you. LolI married the text book NICE GUY. He put me on a pedestal. And treated me well. I trusted him with my life because I knew he was a GOOD guy. He was responsible, had character and integrity and was my rock in every way. And on paper, he was the ideal husband. So, I chose well.However, having done that (the marriage lasted 18 years) I guess I failed to see that the chemistry we shared was from the newness of the relationship. And it died about 5 years in or less to be honest, at least for me. He was my first sexual experience. And I think I was picking a good guy at the time to please my parents. They really liked him and to this day, they STILL really like him and consider him part of our family. Even though he is now my ex. And they secretly wish that I would get back together with him. And always question me as to WHY I would ever give up such a good guy.So, having moved on from my ex husband for about 5 years, I met another man. Polar opposite in fact. But the chemistry we share is crazy, beyond crazy. Even after 4 years, the sex is intense and the best I have ever experienced. For both of us. This guy is not a text book husband material type. And I do not trust him with my life. But I am having fun with him. We have a strong connection and are best friends as well as sexually compatible in all ways. So, the question is can you find a good guy who is also amazing in bed and you share this undying chemistry with? Can you have both? Or does chemistry die in marriages when real life hits? And this is the problem?I wonder about this. And it applies to men who have wives. Can that sexual spark last for the duration of the marriage? Is this realistic?As many men AND women after many years could be bored in this area. It is not uncommon. Hence, why men take mistresses and yet still "love" or are happy with their wives and the lives they built together. On the other side of the coin, there are women who "love" their husbands as they are good guys, good providers and family men, but they get tired of their husbands sexually and may crave someone new to fulfill what they are missing or perceive to be missing. It's called having your cake and eating it. For both sexes. This important to note. Men do not have that market covered. Women are gaining on them every day.I think women marry good guys. You can see why. They want a strong, faithful companion who will be there for him, who will be responsible and committed to her and to her children. But in that, the man may lose his mystique for the woman. He becomes a good guy and not a sexual object anymore. Do you see my point? So, she begins to love him as a best friend and love him for what he provides. But the passion and naughtiness she feels wanes in the process. He becomes too familiar. Almost, too good. So, she seeks out a bad boy to bridge the gap. To make her feel sexy again. The husband cannot do that after all those years. He almost becomes like a brother figure. And this is the danger of the good guy who is reliable and always there long term. Likely she may see his value once she loses him but until then, I believe she starts to take him for granted and feel that he will always be there no matter what.Women love attention but they do not love a door mat. A man who does too much, feels too much, shows too much eventually allows her to discard him or feel less for him. Women like the chase too. Make no mistake. A man who holds back slightly. A man who is aloof and does not give in to her, this awakens her competitive spirit. We woman all have it. And it makes us more interested in YOU. We are intrigued by this man who is not all over us and chasing us like men are supposed to. And we wonder... hmmm, why isn't he chasing us? What is wrong with me? So, you make her question herself and to prove YOU wrong, that she IS worthy, and a good catch, she will come after you. So, if you want GAME, then pull away from a woman, not too much, but enough that she can chase you a little. And make sure you allow her to catch you. If you are too hard to get, even the most aggressive woman will eventually give up.But I am on another subject here. LolBack to the subject at hand.Yes, we women love a good guy. Who is romantic, attentive and affectionate and reliable etc. But I think we tend to get bored with them after awhile. At least I did. A guy who lays at your feet is not going to draw the same attention as a guy who makes you work for him.Food for thought.
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male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (9 February 2017):
Two things here: First, some women are attracted to guys who embody similar traits to their own fathers. Perhaps dad was a jerk. Second, women are attracted to guys who offer a higher level of excitement than they have in their own lives. That excitement can come in various forms, some of which are associated with jerks.
As to whether women eventually regret dumping the nice guy for a jerk, I don't ever remember a woman mentioning that to me. They are glad to get rid of the jerk but never seem to mention the nice guy before him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2017): Men, men,men!
Who can say when you generalise about half of all humans.
Its exactly the same if you think women, women, women!
They all do it dont they?
Like robots women display one set of character traits and men another?
Well actually they dont unless youve got one of those newfangled computerised robot things comming out on the market.
Nice robot versus nasty robot!
How can one answer such a question you asked.
Women obviously do have regrets about some of their breakups, but unless they want to drive themselves crazy they try to move on!
I would recomend that to you!
Just learn to move on because there will always be poignant, heartsopping moments in life and to be honest loosing a partner isnt necesarily the worst .
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I agree that women don't go around and categorize guys and they certainly don't say:" A good and nice guy? EWW!".
What most women look for is someone with whom they have chemistry and can form a long term bond with.
And while SOME women PREFER the "jerk" or "bad boy" - I think the majority of women don't. Not long term.
Calling yourself a nice guy doesn't entitle you to anything. No more that someone calling themselves a "bad boy".
I have met guys who were nice. REALLY nice and genuine and they NEVER called themselves nice guy. They just WERE nice guy.
If you see yourself as a nice guy, that is fine. But if you think that women will reward you a special sticker for being a nice guy you are off the mark. If you are dating a woman and she ends up getting back with an ex, it's NOT because you were NICE or "too nice" - it's because she wants the chemistry and the good times she HAD with that ex back. Whether she will actually get it, is another story.
My husband is a GOOD man. He doesn't have a romantic bone in his body. And honestly? I'm fine with that. For me, romantic gestures are NOT a requirement for a good relationship OR for a good guy.
I have seen MANY guys over the years using romantic gestures as a tool. Like a dog trainer uses snacks to train a dog new tricks. Which is why I don't go crazy over St. Valentine's Day. It's just "romance" gone commercial. I like Feb 15 much better! All the good chocolate and cute things are 50% off!
You are making the presumption that ALL women think alike. We don't. Personally, I'd NEVER go back to an ex. And I never went for guys I saw as a "challenge". And I never ended a relationship because I felt the guy was too nice.
The ONE time I DID date a jerk, I didn't know for a good 9-10 months. His facade was a polished act. He sold himself as a caring, NICE, fun guy. He wasn't. So whenever I hear a man calling themselves a "nice guy" I think of this guy and I'm leery.
But to the point OP, Be who you are. If that IS a nice guy then BE that. And if you meet someone who would rather date a jerk, then OBVIOUSLY she wasn't a good match for you.
I don't know how many times I have heard a guy say I'm not going to be nice anymore I'm going to be a jerk to get the girls, but here is the truth about that. You MIGHT get some girls by being a jerk, but what KIND of girls would you get?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 All in all, not many would regret it , I think.
Because the nice guy has not been dumped BECAUSE he was nice and romantic. I don't think there's any woman who says " A nice guy ? Ewww. Disgusting. Terrible ! Lemme get out of his way ". ". The nice guy has been dumped because, although he was nice, he was found lacking under aspects that matter to the woman. Maybe he was nice but boring and uninteresting, maybe he was nice but not sexually appealing, maybe he was nice but too different in personality, tastes and interests, and so on and so forth.
In other words, you can be as romantic as a month of Valentine's Day- but if "romantic " is not her top priority in her " must have " list, it won't compensate for your other ( real or perceived ) shortcomings, and it won't serve for giving her what she wanrs from a relationship. Which, would not leave much room for regrets.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I think you should just concentrate on being the nice guy and you will then, hopefully, attract a nice lady and be happy.
We all make our own choices in life and regret is a pretty pointless emotion as it changes nothing. Everyone looks for different qualities in a partner and just because someone is a "nice guy" does not mean they are instantly "right" for someone. And just because someone ends up in a relationship with a "jerk", does not mean they will yearn to get back with the "nice guy" as he will still not be right for them. The mistake a lot of people make is going back to the "nice guy" because he is an easy option, only for them to once again realize he is not right for them and dump him again.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 February 2017):
 I know lots of guys I would describe as nice, who are married, usually to nice women, have children, or nice single guys who are never short of a female partner when they want to go to a dance, or show, or need a partner for a wedding etc. Genuinely nice guys who, married or not, are very pleasant to be around, who show interest in other and what makes them tick.
I also know a few jerks who happen to be married, usually to nice women, which seems to somehow balance out the jerkiness ...
The interesting thing about these guys I know, the jerks and the nice guys is that non of them would EVER label themselves that way, non of the nice guys I know appreciate being call nice guys, as far as they are concerned they are just who they are, same with the jerks, who occasionally might accept being called out for their jerk behaviour, but mostly they also don't label themselves.
As for your question about whether women have regrets about the men they break up with I'd say probably not, if the "nice guy" was the guy who gave them a fulfilled relationship there would be no reason to break up with him.
All women are different, and what one may see as romantic or gentleman like another might find suffocating. The trick is to find a woman who interprets romance and gentleman like behaviour the same way as you.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 February 2017):
Regret? Not enough to not do it again after the foolish nice guy takes her back.
Work on yourself and don't worry about encouraging karma. The truth is that most gals who date abusive men, continue to date more abusive men.
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