A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Something happened 2 weeks ago, and now there is a lot of tension and strange quietness between myself, my wife, and a very good friend of ours. My friend, I'll call him 'T' has become good friends with my wife also. He is now divorced and many weekends does stuff with us. Sometimes he stays overnight since he lives about 30 mins away.He and I are very close, and now my wife has come to regard him as a close friend also. This is all good. My wife has even seen him naked a few times (all accidental or joking around, nothing sexual).Well, my wife and I didn't feel like going out 2 weekends ago, but 'T' didn't have anything to do, so we invited him over, we just ordered pizzas and were going to watch a movie. 'T' went and took a shower because he works construction and during the week showers at night, he came down to the family room in sweatpants and nothing else (no big deal, we both walk around in our underwear some weekend mornings, my wife is used to it). I could tell he wasn't wearing any underwear, but so what.Most of the way through the movie, there was an intense love scene. After it, 'T' said that made me really horny, I have a huge hard-on. I said, well, maybe you have a hard-on, but it's average, not huge. I said to my wife (who was sitting in between us), check and see if he really has a hard-on, kind of like joking. She put her hand on the front of 'T's sweatpants and rubbed a little, she said, well, he has a hard-on, and it's not huge, but it seems a little bigger than average. I'm thinking this is funny, we're joking around and stuff. Well about 2 or 3 minutes later, I see that she still has her hand on the front of his sweats and is rubbing him (over his sweats). I'm a little shocked, but not sure what to say or do since I'm still thinking it's joking around. Well in about another minute or so, he makes some noise and cums in his sweatpants. My wife never touched his actual penis, so it's not a handjob, but she did make him cum by rubbing him over his sweatpants. My wife and I never discussed this 'incident', but now when I talk to 'T', he won't even mention my wifes name, and when I talk with my wife about upcoming weekend plans, if I mention 'T's name, she gets real quiet. What do I do? Do we just forget about it and let time make it go away? Or do we need to all talk about it and it was just a fooling around thing that got a little out of hand? Or should I talk with them seperately? I would prefer to not talk about it and it was just some minor thing that doesn't really mean anything to me, but obviously 'T' and my wife both think it's a bigger deal than I do.Thanks for any advice you can provide.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Talk to her! I can't believe that you didn't stop it when it was happening, that's not joking around! Talk to your wife!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): "My wife has even seen him naked a few times (all accidental or joking around, nothing sexual)."
"we both walk around in our underwear some weekend mornings, my wife is used to it). I could tell he wasn't wearing any underwear, but so what."
"I'm a little shocked, but not sure what to say or do since I'm still thinking it's joking around"
"I would prefer to not talk about it and it was just some minor thing that doesn't really mean anything to me, but obviously 'T' and my wife both think it's a bigger deal than I do."
wow, if you read the above i am sure you may see something 'sexual" on the horizon. there has been a pattern forming for a long time.
the sudden quietness and discomfort that both T and your wife are displaying- what is this- GUILT. HOW CERTAIN ARE YOU THAT NOTHING TRANSPIRED BEFORE BET THEM? a naked man in your house, innocently rubs against your wife, she giggles, or he drops the towel innocently. and how does your wife behave toward T. is she excited/ flushed face when she knows he is coming over. or is she overly indifferent - is this just a pretense by her so that you do not get suspicious. your wife was very comfortable rubbing his d*ick. are you sure it was the first time she was being sexual with him. plse try thinking back, any signs you should be aware of. does your wife also wear the bare minimum when T is around? warning bells should now be going off. are you sure they have not been meeting up without you? and how is the sex life bet you and your wife. is she always in the mood or is she not accomodating you?
something is def up bet your wife and T ( and i am not only talking of Ts erection). i firmly believe your wife is not as innocent as you want to believe. we act gulity because we normally are.
lastly you prefering not to talk about her handjob. if you don't, then it means you condone their behaviour. it is then an open invitation to f*ck your wife. is this what you want. plse be observant if/when these two get together again. are they avoiding each other, are there sly looks bet them. just what is the REAL relationship bet your wife and your best friend? are you in a position to put a stop to them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): mytwo cents, thank you for acknowleging my common sense take on this situation
recently i have been accused of:"The anonymous female is a regular here on infidelity-realted threads, spouting terrifyingly hateful venom of Old Testament savagery in the general direction of anyone who fits her description of 'adulterers'. Doesn't take Einstein to deduce that she was once hurt badly by something of that nature and has not taken it well, to put it mildly.on."
and was actually worried that no one else will see the severity of what transpired.
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A
male
reader, F-ing Old Guy +, writes (2 June 2009):
To quote a line from a famous television show, wait I am french, we 3 can be friends! Your wife isnt shy, and you watched, take it to the next level.....These answers with this is inappropriate, blah blah, crap! If you and your wife would enjoy a threesome, enjoy! ( though you may want to pic someone who can hold back a little longer, for her sake!)
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A
male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (1 June 2009):
 I agree with anonymous below--this is NOT a minor thing.
You need to realize several things BEFORE you can correct this situation.
First of all, you need to accept that T basically got a hand-job from your wife. Wake up. You don’t massage a guy’s c*ck through his pants for four minutes by accident. It was a deliberate sexual act. They both liked it, and since no one put an end it to it, she did it to completion.
Second of all, you need to realize that this didn’t happen overnight. You let this gradually happen by allowing things like the half-naked walking around; the casual, semi-intimate visits; and the inappropriate remarks about his hard-on. In fact, you invited it by encouraging sexually charged situations. You don’t ask your wife to check if another man has a hard-on in his pants if you don’t want her to actually “find out.” Since you never drew a line, it kept going. This hand job was the natural next step. Do you know what the natural next step after a hand-job is?
Third of all, you need to recognize what your wife and “friend” are thinking (or feeling subconsciously). Sure, they both are ACTING awkward, but they’ve subconsciously activated the sexual center of their brain. This is more than finding someone attractive or fantasizing about someone. There is an attraction there, and now it’s been fed with some sexual contact. I have plenty of friends with attractive wives or girlfriends. I have an innocent, almost-subconscious attraction to them. Nothing will ever happen between us. But if one of them rubbed my c*ck through my pants one night--at the invitation of my friend--I would feel differently about them. It changes things.
Fourth of all, you need to re-draw some BOLD boundaries here—unless, that is, you’re okay with T getting more hand jobs or, eventually, having straight-up sex with your wife. Some people are okay with that sort of thing, but since you weren’t comfortable with the over-the-pants HJ, I don’t think you would be. However, you’ve acted like someone who WOULD be okay with that sort of thing with your behavior and you’ve silently communicated that to them.
You need to tell them SEPARATELY that this went too far. You need to talk to your wife first and find out why she did it what she did; how she feels about T and what happened; and tell her what’s okay for you and what’s not. There’s a huge question that needs to get answered here: why did she KEEP rubbing? No one asked her to rub for four minutes. That was voluntary and came from somewhere.
Then you need to talk to T and tell him that you’ve talked to your wife and that she knows things got out of hand and that you’re both uncomfortable with this kind of contact. You need to redraw your boundaries with T and then change the nature of your relationship with him. Unfortunately, that’s the only way to keep this from escalating. No more overnight visits, no more half-naked walking around, no more sexual joking.
Maybe it’s a good idea to get everyone together in a different setting to cool things off (rather than create a taboo by avoiding him altogether) and then having diminished contact with him after that for a while.
You want to make sure they’re not seeing each other without you around--that’s a recipe for disaster.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): I agree with Ana. This needs to be dealt with. Whether you decide to discuss it as a group, or individually...it needs to be talked about.
I think I would try to talk to them together. I would try to ease the tension for all envolved!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2009): You are actually delusional if you think this “sexual act bet your wife and T is not a big thing. Your wife could have removed her hand after a few seconds but she choose not to. And T obviously enjoyed her rubbing his penis over his underpants. So he too never said anything. You 3 are playing a dangerous game and pretty pretty soon your wife and t will be engaging in full blown sex. Why? because you have colluded with them and have now condoned their sexual encounter. Your WIFE needs to know that she behaved inappropriately. I take it you 3 have a very liberal view of life but boy oh boy sharing your wife, was this one of the considerations. Because this is exactly what is going on. And your wife seems to be enjoying it. Good friend T is also enjoying you making YOUR wife available to him. He actually cannot believe his luck and what a fool you are as well. Your 3rd person in your marriage has been taking liberties. How far it goes is anyones guess. But know this. You and your wife are F8cking up your marriage, this is just the beginning. You need to really open your eyes and see this situation for what it is. Or is a OPEN marriage what your wife and you are looking for.
You need t talk to the missus. TELL HER that she did wrong, hey she could have been licking his d*ck and you wouldn’t have had the balls to confront either of them. Your playing happy home with T has to stop. Your wife has had a taste of another man, and this is a guarantee that she and T won’t be stopped. You have invited a threat into your marriage. His name is T. You have now begun the destruction and have sowed seeds of infidelity and betrayal in your marriage. I am now creating a drama. I am trying to show you the errors of your way. I am trying to jolt you into seeing this mess you have made so far. Having a friend is one thing. Having him run around almost naked in your home is another. Next time it just won’t be his underpants being soiled, it will be your bed covers as well. What do you think your wife will be thinking/imagining when she sees him semi naked again. Just how good it felt to hold his c*ck in her hand? You bet your bottom dollar that is what will happen.
As for T . its time to put the brakes on this man. Where are your kids when he is running around semi naked in your home. Do you also subject your kids to his almost bare ass as well. T needs to know that he took advantage of your “good nature”, he got his kicks from your wife. It’s time you put T out to graze. I am hoping you don’t work over time or night shift. Just be careful. Good old T will be usurping your place in your bed. With your wife’s consent, of course. T needs to know that your wife is also not his whore. Or his f*ck buddy. You 3 need to have some boundaries in your friendship. T will divide you and your wife. Very soon the sneaking around will start or if you do not put your foot down, openly and to hell with the consequences.
Both you and your wife need to discuss what happened. Yes it will be difficult but you need to acknowledge what went wrong. Or else you will find yourself in one corner. Alone. Is this what you want. Please you have acted like an idiot (sorry but i have to say it) thus far not saying anything. Are you telling them it is OK to f*ck around. Hat is the message you are sending out. If something is important to you, you need to protect it, with your life. Is your marriage sacred to you. Thus far you have not acted like it is. I hope i am getting through to you, or am i just wasting your time. There has to be clear boundaries with your wife and T. Her behaviour (sexual conduct) was definitely inappropriate. The fun and games have to stop. If you don’t put an end to this, then sadly you put an end to your marriage. Realise this a marriage is bet 2 people, not 3 as you have now shown. Your wife is not so innocent after all. You need to be super observant going forward. You have now got her interested in T. And you know it. She knows it. T knows that your wife has sexually aroused him. This situation is actually playing out like a bad horror movie. If you don’t watch out. It sure will have disastrous consequences.
Try eliminating T from weekend activities . its time to retake stock of your wife and marriage. Prioritise her and shower her with amazing sex (her thoughts are really preoccupied right now with other images). Both t and your wife are very quiet. WHY . because they know they did wrong (IN FRONT OF YOU, AND YOU DID NOTHING). THEY both are guilty of being sexual with each other. Its like this man f*cked your wife, with your consent, in front of you. Can you actually see this messy situation you have helped create? Or are you such a coward that you too don’t want to acknowledge what happened. You want to sweep in under the carpet and pretend nothing sexual happened. This would be the single biggest mistake you ever make. Yes, you may not like confrontations but its time to set the record straight. If you havn’t got the “guts’ or feel you need moral support please post again. We will help you to tackle the talk with your wife and this T. We will provide the moral support you need to get the courage to have that hard talk but IT HAS TO BE DONE. and very very soon.
And please TELL YOUR WIFE in no uncertain terms the only d*ck she is allowed to feel/ touch is YOURS. A lot of couples have innocently introduced a 3 person into their marriage. If you read the stories here, you will know it always end in a disaster. Its time to cut this T out of your lives. He is the biggest threat right now and so is your wife. But you can try to manage the wife. You need to decide what you want . your best friend T or your wife. If you don’t watch out your T will take your wife from you. Then all will definitely be lost.
You may think i am over reacting. Or my thinking is not liberal like your. But please know this. I have nothing to gain by trying to show you the errors of your ways. By trying to depict what will happen I am trying to open your eyes to the real situation. Your fun may have started off innocently but believe me it will end very very badly if you do not address this situation.
Good luck, and please have courage to tacke this problem.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (1 June 2009):
 Hi, This seriously needs to be spoken about. No doubt about that and you would need to do this all together. It is obviously bothering the hell out of them and I guess no one knows how exactly to come to terms with it. I sense that you are a little bother by it as well as you would rather just sweep it under the carpet and move on with life. But you can't. This is your wife and this is your best friend....it needs to be discussed.Invite him over again, for dinner and have a chat. Let him know that you have noticed the awkwardness when you bring up each other;s names and maybe if we talk about it, it will get dealt with and we can then move on. No one is angry with anyone and no one is passing blame..just having an adult discussion about a little incident. Whether it was basic fooling around or not.....your wife just rubbed a guy that he came in his pants....you were sitting there next to her...it needs to get dealt with my love.Good LuckTake care Ana
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