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male
age
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anonymous
writes:has any one been in my situation or can anyone give me some advice.Can a marriage survive an affair which resulted in a baby.I dont love my wife i had affair with an old flame and fell in love with her,i got caught out and i chose to stay with my family as i couldnt bare to be apart from my kids, my wife wanted me to stay as long as i have no contact at all with the baby or mother,which i agreed to do . The whole situation is now wrecking my life and the child support i will have to pay will have a hugh impact on my family.My wife insists i have Dna test which we are in the process of but i KNOW the baby is mine.please do not have a go at me as i know it was wrong but i just need to know what are the realistic chances of us rebuilding our family? or is it already doomed as there were serious problems before my affair and i was already miserable. i know i am a coward for not leaving ,my wife and family are now suffering because of what i have done.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2008): www.survivinginfidelity.com
it's a comprehensive site that is not biased
*really* read the FAQ sections for the feelings that you are going thru about your wife and family. There are certain stages that you go thru as well as your wife will go thru while dealing with this in your lives.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): I too am in this situation as i am a woman who has just had a baby to a married man who wants nothing to do with his son and like the lady who wrote her reply before me we are not alone in this situation please see my question MY AFFAIR WANTS NOTHING TO DO WITH BABY BUT IS PAYING CHILD SUPPORT posted a couple of days ago
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): hi,
i dont know a lot about this because tbh im going through it myself.
im the one that had the affair an the one thats pregnant.
i just thought i would offer support so you know you aint the only person out there.
just like you i cant be without my kids, but on the same token i love the man i had the affair with an i dont want him losing the chance to be a father either.
keep your chin up as there isnt just you in this situation.
best wishes, an good luck what ever you decide is right for you....xx
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): What you really need to do is join FLDS and that way you can have both women. Actually, there are some non-LDS religious groups out there that accept polygamy. Which is worse, polygamy or adultery? "Thou shalt not commit...."
See, there is a workable solution to all this after all!
Your wife says that if you have contact with the other woman, you cannot stay with her, because that is her only leverage. She is hurt. The fact is women are hurt when you give your affection to another. In other words, if she knew that you still are in love with the other woman, she would still be hurt.
Remember this: Men think - Women feel. In other words, while she says that you can only stay with her, if you have no contact with the other woman, what she really means is that she doesn't want anyone around who could steal you away from her. She really needs you, and is far better off with you than without you. Be a decent, hard-working provider, and she may be willing to share you with someone else, provided she knows that you will never leave her. Of course, if there happens to be another man who takes an interest in your wife, it's not fair to hang on to her, when she could be happy with someone who truly loves her.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): thanks for the replies but i am not allowed contact with the baby or mother in order for me to stay in my home with my kids and i have agreed to that, as for supporting them i have told her it was her choice to have the baby so she will have to deal with it.I have told her i want nothing to do with the child or with her as i dont want them coming between my family that i already have.This situation is wrecking my life .Will my marriage last? will guilt get hold of me for ignoring my child? will i one day regret it?will the impact financially eventually destroy us as we are already struggling financially and this is going to make matters much worse.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2008): You sound like a true butt for doing that to your wife. If you don't love her, then why didn't you just leave? Now you've made it worse on not only yourself, but the kids as well! You won't ever be happy, because you took the punk way out instead of telling your wife how you really felt!
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (21 September 2008):
 You had the affair because your marriage was in a bad way. You have, somehow, to leave aside the issue of the affair and the baby, and focus on your relationship with your wife. Will it work? Do you want it to work? You have to talk about this with her, too.
Personally I don't think it is right or fair for you to have no contact with the baby, and I think it is very cowardly of you. I am not meaning to be unkind, but the baby is your responsibility, and not just financially. This is your child. He/she didn't ask to come here - you brought him/her here. And now they are here, you should be a father in more than just cash for them.
I understand why your wife wants you to have no contact, but unfortunately life just isn't like that. Your lives - all of them - have changed now. The baby is here, and deserves his/her father. If you have any backbone, you should do this:
- Tell your wife you will stay with her and your children, and rebuild your live together, but that the affair happened for a reason, and you need counselling to deal with that
- Tell your wife that also, the world is now different, and the baby is innocent, and that you will be a father to him/her as to your other children: you will see him/her, build a relationship, and be there for him/her - not having a relationship with the mother, but supporting her morally and financially, nevertheless
- Tell your wife that if she won't work with this, then you will have to leave
You are looking for the easiest route to losing least. Bloody stand up and be a man. Face your responsibilities. You have another woman, and a baby, to consider. That she is not your wife is not her fault - your marriage was your responsibility, not hers. You chose to go to her. If you do actually love her, then I think you should be with her, but I don't think you have the guts to do that. You could work out your children's (all of their) lives so they all have access to you, but I'm not sure you have the courage to do that.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I think you should be standing up for yourself as a father - to ALL your children. You can't simply choose not to be father to the baby. Well, you can, but if you do that, you are not doing the right thing. Children first, everybody else (including yourself) after.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2008): My husband did this to me but he actually left. I didn't want him to go and nor did our children but he chose the other woman and his baby. I literally begged him to return and he wouldn't. It has cost us no end of trouble and financial heartbreak and we are just finalising our divorce. Because of my situation i think you have so done the right thing by staying with your wife and family. She obviously loves you and has forgiven you and wants to rebuild things with you. I would dedicate as much time as possible to working on your relationship with your wife and family. I so think you did the right thing as she would have been devastated if you had gone. I appreciate things will be very tight financially but to have the guts and courage to admit you were wrong and have made a mistake takes a big man. You will get over this and as long as you stick to having no contact with the woman or the child then I am sure you will get through this. If you have any contact at all then i think things will be over with you and your wife as I don't think she would be able to cope with that as well as the affair. Be very careful as the other woman will try to contact you over the baby and will probably try for more than just financial help so if you want it to work stick to your guns. Your wife loves you very much so concentrate on rebuilding what you have. All the best
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male
reader, kinkydude +, writes (21 September 2008):
The problem is that you don't love your wife. If you did love her, I'd say there be some possibilities. If things are really miserable you should think about a separation. You should still be able to see your children, and you'll be with a women you have feelings for- do you have strong enough feelings for her?-
Its probably better for the children that their parents are happy, right? if you're in a miserable situation, think about counseling or separation. Probably separation, because you don't love your wife, and that may be beyond repair.
good luck.
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