A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Silly question maybe but in terms of how you are as a person do we change all that much from the ages of twenty to forty when it comes to how we view relationships? My partner says he didn't know what love was, had nothing to compare it to, looks back and knows he did not love the girl he met at that age and married and says it was a mistake and one he deeply regrets Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2019):
 He got burned the first time, of course he is more careful before jumping in. However, he is also judging "all" women by ONE woman's actions which isn't fair.
His job is to look out for himself, first, then family, friends, partner etc.
Though I would say this, if he keeps you at an arm's length and uses his first marriage/partner as an excuse I would only accept that for SO long before decided whether I want to date someone who doesn't see ME for me, but through the lens of his first wife.
As much as YOU have to "get out of HIS past" - HE has to get out of his past too and LIVE and LOVE in there here and now. Be in the present with whom you are with.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2019): She was his first girlfriend and he had no experience with females at all. By all accounts from other sources she treated him like dirt and cheated on him but he stayed with her for a few years.
No I trust him now but I guess I just find it hard to believe at the point of marrying her he didnt think he loved her. He said he knew it wasn't for life and did it because he felt he had to..
He is more careful with me in terms of commitment and he is 40, I have struggled to accept it is not because he loves me less
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 May 2019):
 without retracting any of my previous comment . . .
When I was 20 - 30
I only thought I knew What love was. Now that I've passed 50, I wonder if I will ever know again. Life's like that.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84 +, writes (17 May 2019):
I believe we learn from each relationship and go forward knowing more what works for us. I believe I get wiser with each relationship in all honesty.
As we get older we tolerate less than what we did in our twenties. We gain different standards also as we get older.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 May 2019):
My oldest brother in law married a young woman after having dated for 3 months because he has knocked her up.
It's what was expected, in a way. I don't think there was a lot of love going on there AT ALL. She was an addict and he spend the first 15 years trying to "save her" and then decide he and their son were better off without her. About 5 years after that he met his current wife. And you can tell he LOVES her to bits. I don't think I ever saw him joke much or smile around wife #1 but with #2 and around his kid and her kids? He is a different guy. HE is happy. It's nice to see. I feel sad that it took him so long, but that's life.
So yes, I have seen people get married for various reason to people that WASN'T a good match.
If you can't believe him, can you trust him?
And if not... why are you with him then?
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A
male
reader, Pepi let pew  +, writes (17 May 2019):
 Im near 50.. And i can say we change alot. Im nothing like i was 10 years ago when it comes to relationships. Infact im ashamed of who i was. And of what i didnt understand. I cheated and i lied and i hurt people. I learnt through counseling that when i cheated i hurt myself in the process. No one wins and the hurt goes on and on. I can never take back what i did. But i can learn and educate myself. That man 10 years ago is dead in me. And through relationship counseling i have learnt how to understand myself and others better. Grow closer to family and friends. And discover the missing ingredient in past relationships. I made the decision to educate myself through a very painful relationship break down. Unlike your husband i knew what love was and what it is. This is the reason why it was so important for me to learn about myself and others. Your question is not silly but an interesting question about relationship maturity. None of us want to repeat the same mistakes again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): I guess I'm a bit disbelieving that you would marry someone at any age unless it was for love. I know he has no feelings for her now and he is adamant he looks back and knows it wasn't love and he was a different person back then
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 May 2019):
 Yes, at least I have changed my views. I value different things in a relationship now, I know myself better through experience and have grown to have more patience. I now know what is good and what is bad, at 19 I really was naive and put up with a lot of shit thinking it was how things were supposed to be. I also acted differently from now, I was more impulsive and did not think ahead. Love at that age was quite different from now, it was far more destructive. Now I know love builds you up, not tear you down.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (17 May 2019):
 I would love to know what your question is REALLY about. Are you jealous of your partner's history with the ex? Are you worried your partner STILL doesn't know what love is and will decide, at some point, he doesn't really love you either? Is this about the fact he married her but you two are still "partners"? Is it that you would be the second wife and you feel he has done all the "firsts" with someone else?
As I said, I would love to know what your question is REALLY about.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2019): Experience, trial and error, experimentation, failures, losses and gains; and a healthy mixture of life's-lessons will change how you look at relationships. You have to feel pain, inflict pain, and undergo some payback for the damage you've caused; to know what you're talking about, and to know what you're doing!
What you've read or heard about doesn't stick like what you've been through first-hand!
In your 20's, you hardly know the world outside your family. With the exception of people who had to leave home at a very early age; or had to grow-up fast and survive on their own in their teenage-years. Even street-smarts don't really prepare you for the challenges of relationships. Just when you think you know something about people; you'll learn something new! It's usually not good!
Chronological-age is also related to your mental, psychological, and emotional-development. Maturity ads an element of decisiveness and refinement you don't have in your earlier years. You're equipped with a few scars bad-love left behind, a thicker-skin, and an acquired cynicism that comes with age. When you have a more-developed and effective arsenal of survival-skills; you'll fare better in relationships, and will be able to pass on the knowledge to others.
Many never mature emotionally. That's because they had no mentors, a poor-upbringing, or had few or no positive role-models growing-up. Bad-parenting and dysfunctional family-life can ruin any chances at successful relationships in your earlier years. In the more severe cases, they're just plain stupid, rebellious, or evil!
So they'll have to start from scratch; and learn mainly through trial and error. Virtually with no blueprint or preparation on how to deal with the emotions, the love, or feelings of other people. You're too self-centered and inexperienced to know your bum from a whole in the ground. Yet you think you know everything, and won't listen to advice or reason. Cracking your skull and breaking your heart will teach your young smart-ass a thing or two.
Don't even get me started about the casual way people throw the L-word around like scattering chicken-feed! Two good dates...and they're texting I luv-u's, kiss-kissies, and heart-emojis! It's sickening!
Some people repeat the same mistakes over and over; and won't listen to advice and shun criticism. Once you get too old, you won't learn much; so failure is pretty much your traveling-companion. From one failed relationship to the next!
Smart-people won't stick around to put-up with an old fool!
I'm one of them!!! We had an excuse when we were young!
Having seen and experienced a few things; I have a better ability to discern personalities that I know will work in harmony with mine. It was Lottie, Dottie, and anybody when I was in my 20's! To have standards was being too picky!
I've even learned how to handle difficult or aggressive personalities from experience on my job. I've transferred over knowledge I've acquired from professional-relationships with people, to my more personal or romantic-relationships. Like how to compromise on the full-family-scale, diplomacy, and group-negotiations in conflict. Handling disagreements that end in an impasse; or how to get yourself out of a prickly situation, and come-out unscathed. It took years to learn this stuff! My parents and grandparents gave me an excellent foundation. I learned the rest! Sometimes it took a chunk out of my hide, but I learned!
If you're mentally-sound, reasonably mature, and generally a level-headed person; you will change and grow significantly between your 20's and 40's. You will be a lot more cautious going into long-term relationships. You are less likely to involve yourself in long-distance romances; or relationships conducted almost exclusively online. You may know how to conduct a face to face conversation without a phone in your hand! Even maintain eye-contact during a conversation!
You will take more chances with finding a partner through chance than heavily relying on dating sites. You have more patience than you did in your 20's and 30's. You'll eventually come to realize relationships rely more on your abilities to interact and emotionally-connect with people; as opposed to thinking you can do that extensively between two digital-devices! Those presently in their mid-40's and older still know that you have to develop a personality; and you can't create an online-persona or an avatar to substitute for who you really are.
I don't look back in regret at my mistakes. I might have a few battles-scars; but I once maintained a happy 28-year relationship, ending only when my first partner died of cancer. I'm enjoying a new-love that could potentially last a life-time; knowing what we know now, and using it to our fullest= advantage! Living one day to the next, and accepting reality as it comes. Keeping God in it! He's not imaginary, He's real! No one can convince me otherwise! Never!
I'm less likely to compromise or stray from those things that have improved my character and strengthened my credibility, to bargain in exchange for love. As a younger-man, I might have bent the rules for someone I wanted to be with really badly; even if I knew it could hurt me. I'd suffer untold losses for love. Not now! Taint worth it!
You didn't mind taking foolish risks when you thought you had a lifetime ahead of you to get over your mistakes. You were invincible and immortal back then!
Most of the dumb-stuff I did has become a blur in my selective-memory; so I can help bring-up a whole new generation! I've got plenty of experience filed-away for reference and to serve as examples when the occasion calls for it!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 May 2019):
Your question is so short and the answer so big that I would really like to narrow down the topic before answering.
You haven't chosen a name and opened an account so you may never bother to read or reply to anything I guess at. But, I'll give you a different answer than Honey or Code Did just incase I'm reading you correctly.
You say your partner now says he regrets his prior marriage, and you question seems to indicate that you doubt the sincerity of his regret. If I am correct in this there are two things we need to talk about.
Rewriting History.
This is a defense mechanism common to humans. We don't like, or can't handle something that happens so Our minds rearrange our memories so it is easier to deal with. A common example is a person involved in an affair who says "I was never really in love with (betrayed partner)" When it is clear to anyone who looks at the history that the cheater was head over heals in love. Had a big wedding with all of the expenses, brought children into the family and everything. But if they admit that they really were in love with that person and then betrayed them by having a torrid affair it would make them look terrible. Since their ego doesn't want to be a terrible cheater, it creates this history where they just settled and were really never in love.
It is entirely possible that your partner was so traumatised by the break up of the marriage that his mind has created this fantasy where he never really loved her. The important take away from this is that although it isn't things as they really were, it is the only truth he has left in his memory.
Second We really need to talk about Retroactive Jealousy:
Retroactive jealousy is when a new partner is jealous of the ex partner. Was the ex partner more attractive? Smarter? Wealthier? More loved? Gpt better gifts? Sure any of those things could be true. But does being jealous of it help you in any way? NO
The Big Truth here is that the new partner was not there back then and could never have been chosen for those things. There is no competition to win. In fact The new partner has already won. The old partner is the Ex partner. The new partner has already won everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2019): I think they do. I know I personally got better at picking relationship partners over time, when I was dating. I learned from each one something not to do or not to accept in the next relationship.
Lots of people probably pick the wrong person in their youth due to inexperience or willful blindness. As you grow and age different things become important and you change how you view things, situations, and other people's behaviors.
I think your partner's statement sounds pretty believable and seems benign, in case you are worried about his ex for some reason.
Best,
R
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 May 2019):
Sure.
We all live and learn. Relationships is something you LEARN by doing. LOVE is something so abstract for many people that they really can't define it unless they have encountered different variations of it.
Love for your children, your partner, spouse, parents, family, pets, friends... it's ALL different variations of the same thing. Love.
The love someone feel with their first REAL partner might be entirely different with a new partner 10-20 years later. Of course it is. It's a different person, a different situation, and a different YOU.
What we want at (let's say) 19, in a partner, might not be what we want at 29, 39 and so forth. WE change too. We grow, we learn (hopefully) and we live.
I have a couple of friend who married at 18 and 19 - by 22 they were both divorced. I think because the IDEA they had of love and marriage just didn't match reality.
My husband married at 19 and divorced at 21. I don't think they didn't love each other, but I also think they didn't take the time to make sure they HAD something to build a long marriage on. Because ? What we want at 19... might not REALLY be what we NEED and WANT at 25, 30...
If I were you I'd tell my partner that he needs to let go of the past and the regret. REGRETTING something like a marriage that didn't work out, IS NOT going to help ANYONE or ANYTHING. What he needs to do is ACCEPT and ACKNOWLEDGE that he MADE that "mistake" and hope that he LEARNED to not repeat it. And then LEAVE the past IN the past. Nothing good can come from digging around in the trash.
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