A
female
age
41-50,
*endy2012
writes:i have been married for three years, and been working for over 10 years. i have made some mistakes in the past, concerning drinking too much, and partying. i have a past am not proud of. in the same period i was drinking alot, i dated quite a number of men, and am ashamed of that. this happened in about 18 months, after a bad break up. Now, am married, and changed. i met my husband about two years after the party life i had. i was already changed. the thing is, because of my past, there are three specific people who ever want to make me feel bad about myself cos of my past. one of them is my co-worker (i had a disciplinary case for reckless drinking 7 years ago and working in an open office, her discussion always pointed to judging me, and being in competition with me), another is my previous boss, and the worse of all is my husband. i have gotten rid of my co-worker by avoiding contact with her and chaning offices, and my former boss left the organisation, so i dont have to face him anymore. but now my husband. he is ever making comments insinuating that am worthless cos am a drunkard (i drink not more than thrice a year!), he also makes comments to mean i am not dignified, and am a prostitute. i have, for the past three years told him how hurtful such comments are, and asked him to change how he feels about me (or atleast not say such things). i feel worthless and hate myself, and my past. its not something i can change, but i have changed my present. he has cheated on me twice, the time we have been married, and i have been very faithful. dispite this, he still things am not worthy being a wife. i keep being haunted whenever i think about my husbands comments. am scared of divorce, i feel like it will add to my 'failures'. he does not want to leave me either, but i dont think he is sticking with me cos he loves me. apart from these three individuals, everybody around me appreciates me, make me feel loved, and they love me without judging me. what can i do? do i deserve this for life?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 I have read your previous posts Wendy2012… and I can say without doubt, mistakes will follow you forever when you stay married to this Adulterer! Is this the same Husband who mistreated your Foster boy?
Life has a way of telling us when something or someone is not good for us, we are to spit it out or walk away… If we lack good judgment/sense to walk away and keep repeating our mistakes, we start to adopt distorted thinking. That is, you start to feel haunted by guilt from your past, Divorce will add to my failings and do I deserve this (abusive) life etc. In truth, if we do not learn from our past mistakes or walk away in time to preserve our sanity, it is said and very likely, you are doomed to repeat it over and over and over and over again!
Until you rise up and claim ownership of your life – past, present and future, nothing will change by staying with your Husband. His intent and negative influence is to remind you of your failings, too pull you back while you strive to change and go forward in the present. His gift to you is a bleak future!
Reclaim your God given right to live life with love, respect and in peace!
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, mommyoftwo91583  +, writes (5 May 2014):
 Im pretty much in the same situation except my boyfriend hasnt cheated on me...that i know of anyway. First you have to forgive yourself. When no one else is around all you have left is you. If you dont love you...how can anyone else love you?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 May 2014):
 You say you are afraid of divorce... what are you afraid of?
saying "NO" to a marriage where you are being abused is a very brave thing to do.
He abuses you by calling you names and saying things to you to try to make you feel bad about yourself and afraid to be alone
he cheats on you
he's no prize and he's a lousy husband.
leaving him would be a feather in your cap and show you are capable of loving yourself and taking care of yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Well-done for improving the quality of your life. You should be so proud of yourself for making huge changes; that's a great achievement.
You appear to be putting yourself down thought, despite the fact that your past destructive behavior isn't something you act upon today.
It sounds like a self esteem issue. I think it would be a good idea for something to work on. And as for your past I don't think you can reject that as your rejecting a part of yourself which isn't cool. Your a whole person, you have strengths and weakness from your past and present.
Your husband isn't treating you with love or respect. That's not the sort of behavior you should be tolerating, you need to treat yourself as a more worthy person and stop beating yourself up over your past.
That's why you have this treatment in your life because it's a mirror of how you feel deep down about yourself.
Can your work on yourself as a person? If you can raise your standards then the situation would be reflected in a different light were you wouldn't veiw it as a faliour if you had to leave the marriage.
Other than that you need to seriously undergo some behavior modification to others were you will not tolerate their abuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): No you don't deserve this, your husband is a pip squeak that will forever INSULT you to cover his own dirty tracks and give him a get out of jail card to get away with cheating on you. He is dragging your past up and saying these nasty remarks because he can't use the present. Why are you letting him? Why are you still with a husband who has cheated on you? let alone TWICE? because, he has made you believe that you should be grateful and that because you are such a bad person you are lucky to have him. Get rid of the plonker and stand up for yourself.
The only failure I see, is you allowing him to strip you of your self worth.
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