A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm normally a very shy girl and don't trust people upon meeting them. Its difficult for me to make friends. My bf has it a bit easier since he's more social. He wants to encourage me to make friends so he often invites me to double dates with new couples he meets (its usually his guy friend that brings his girlfriend). All of these couple events have been total flops for me. I find it so difficult to connect and get integrated into the conversation that I just don't talk to anyone the whole night and end up looking like I'm full of myself or think I'm too good, which isn't the case at all. I just can't express myself for fear of looking or sounding stupid. My bf then says that his friends basically think I'm full of myself or impossibly shy. I'm not!!! In high school I had a couple of friends in my group who would always single me out, ignore me and make me feel dumb. I was always the fifth wheel. So I just stopped hanging out with groups. One couple we got close to actually ended up becoming good friends with me (especially the girl) so I know I CAN get along with people. What can I do and how do I do it? I should probably mention that my bf doesn't really do that much to include me, he kind of actually ignores me and then "checks up" on me when I'm already in a bad mood.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 May 2014):
If you aren't going to make an effort I can see why your boyfriend would eventually give up ;)
No one is asking you to take a bullet for people you meet, and no one is saying they will donate blood to you. You spend way too much time stressing about what was and what isn't than in the present. There is no real secret to being social. You just ask questions and take part in a conversation. People can be as different from you like night and day and it is perfectly ok to just socialize with them. You are putting way to much pressure on yourself by thinking you need to trust people before you get to know them. It is ok to be shy, after all keep your personal matters to yourself, but it helps to make the effort instead of waiting for people to trust you. You are a grown woman, you should be able to handle this yourself.
The only one holding you back and giving you that bad mood is yourself dear.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): I used to have a situation like this with my ex partner.When we met I was extremely shy and found it difficult to make friends.He was the opposite - a total narcissist and charmer, who could not have been more confident with people if he tried. People flocked to him and felt totally at ease with him.We were together for nearly two decades. During that time I spent a great many, many, many nights out where I had no choice but to step up my social skills. I became a great conversationalist - I had to do this in order to "keep up".BUT in all of that time I may as well have been on a different planet to my partner in terms of what happened to us when we had a night out. AS SOON as he saw me talking to others he would be off for the night and I'd have to spend the whole night entertaining his friends and/or talking to people that I actually didn't really find all that interesting. If I ever tried to explain to him that other couples worked as a team when they were out, he would accuse me of having a bad attitude and that it was my problem. I became, on the outside, one of the most approachable and sociable people you've met and people really liked me. BUT I was actually very unhappy.I realised that although I had very advanced social skills all I was doing was basically acting like a 'trophy wife' to my partner - enhancing his reputation as this great guy. I was bored out of my mind and very neglected by my partner. I realised that I just wanted a different way of relating to people - in effect, the more that I did things "his way" the more that I cut off my own needs in friendships - I realised I needed intellectual stimulus and to be around people who weren't interested in just getting blind drunk (his crowd were huge drinkers) and also needed a partner who would spend more time with me and work as a team when we were out together. I also realised that I had NOT been so needy that, when we went out, he left me alone because he was tired of me. I was just different - people loved talking with me, but I had an entirely different approach to him, that was not centred around drawing attention to myself like he did.I left him. It's taken ages for me to see that I had increasingly cut off from my own needs and would just 'put on an act' when out with him - an extremely good 'act', and one that, for years, I thought WAS me. Now I'm much choosier about who I get involved with in friendships and don't fear being alone either, as I did when I first met himSo if your boyfriend is remotely narcissistic and is also telling you that his friends think these things about you because YOU have a problem, and is leaving you alone a lot when you are out I'd really be very careful and think whether he is the right guy for you. you may end up with loads of social skills by forcing yourself to 'come out' of your shell, but you may end up realising that neither he, nor the friends you meet whilst with him, are right for you.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (5 May 2014):
Behavioral therapy or something similar might help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): Oh no, I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like your the more reserved type that takes time to open up to others and getting to know them.
Life is perception so perhaps people are reading into who they think you are if your not giving enough away.
It sounds that you've been hurt in the past and could have some sort of unconscious resistance that is holding you back from connecting to others.
I've felt like this in the past. I was so socially cut off that I literally felt as though I lost my.ability to communicate with others.
I'd been hurt and went from chatty to inhibited I can guess.
You have to do everything in your power to break free though or one day you will look back and really wish you could have done more at the time.
I'm sure their is lots you can do to help yourself without realizing it.
What are your conversation skills like?
Maybe you could do a little research into interpersonal skills and other subject topics.
Before anything else you need to want to help yourself and you need to find genuine reason for wanting to change or others wise you may not do enough to change the circumstances. You can make real changes though if you so choose to.
It sounds like you've found your pole opposite in your boyfriend, such as if he is social and your more shy then you will probably have attracted to create a balance.
He probably doesn't want to babysit you so maybe he is expecting you to make more of an effort.
You'll be alright, you just need to look within to see where you can make more changes in your life and don't worry if you don't get it right always as it takes time to change and grow as an individual.
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