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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm wondering if age in dating makes a big difference. Recently I met this guy and hes a bit older than me. I just turned 21 and hes 34. We hit it off pretty well and we have the same views on a lot of things. I'm just wondering if it'd be a problem down the road? Do priorities come into play when there's a large age gap? Should I go for someone my own age? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I just turned 60 last month and I'm hail and laurel, sharp as a tic and just right as snow.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 April 2012):
 I do agree with Tisha to some extent. My 78 yr old dad is very active (even with spinal stenosis) playing golf and traveling and enjoying his life.. but he is much slower at 78 than he was at 58...
so while age does not have to be a "death sentence" it will make changes for anyone...
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (26 April 2012):
 K c, I love ya girl, but being 50+ doesn't automatically consign you to the 'aged and decrepit' category! :D
I know 20 and 30 somethings who are in terrible shape and 50 and 60 and even 70 somethings who are active, vital and capable. It's all about how well you take care of yourself.
Priorities are an issue no matter what the age gap is. Some people never grow up and put playing ahead of everything else; others are more serious and focus on accomplishing specific goals.
Unless there's a specific issue you can point to, I don't see why you couldn't try dating him for a while to see how it turns out. If you feel comfortable with his friends and family, all the better.
We are just talking about dating the guy, right? I mean, he hasn't run out and purchased a ring just yet, has he?
The good news is that you can pay attention to his previous relationship history and learn if there's some trend or pattern that points to a problem. Has he had a longterm relationship that ended or does he have a pattern of never committing and keeps on dating 21 year olds, replacing them as they age?
More info is needed, really, in order to fully comment on the situation. I don't see why you couldn't date him. I do agree with Perhaps Not that there is a big change from age 21 to the later 20s. I experienced that as well. I'm very thankful I didn't marry the guy I was with at age 21, it would have been a disaster, because I didn't know myself terribly well then AND because I had some growing up still to do. And in my mid 30s, I felt much more settled and stable than I was in my early 20s. It's all in where you are. I know some very well-balanced and mature 20-somethings and I know some extremely immature and floundering 40 and 50 somethings. I also know 20 somethings who are completely adolescent in their behavior and really cool and vibrant 50, 60 and 70 somethings who have all sorts of great things to bring to a relationship. It's all individual.
I think if this issue is troubling you, maybe it's a sign that you really aren't ready to date a guy with that age differential.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 April 2012):
I’m 52 years old. My fiancé will be 39 in June. IF we had met when he was 21 and I was 34 we never would have been a couple… the differences in age 21 vs age 34 are pretty great… HOWEVER it surely can work. I have friends with a bigger gap where he is in his EARLY 20s and she is in her mid/late 30s he WANTED a child with her… so they had one right away.. he also has two stepchildren with her that are closer to his age than he is to her…. My older son (28) is 11 years younger than my fiancé. My younger son (25) is 13 years younger than him and they are friends on their own without my involvement… it’s an interesting dynamic in our house (not that my grown children live with us)
I don’t think it’s too great a gap if you are happy and he is happy but you have to talk about things like aging… and prepare for that…. And yes if you have a child when he is 40 he will be 58 when the child graduates high school but that is NOT that uncommon…. I’m not the naysayer that everyone else is.
I will tell you that until I was about 45 I felt GREAT… 45 really started the physical impairment part of my life cycle… and there are days that my young fiancé (sometimes I call him “the boy”) has to help me up and down the steps because my back is so bad… think about how you will cope when you have to do a lot of the household stuff (like taking out the trash etc) when (NOT IF but WHEN) he becomes compromised physically… it WILL happen even if it’s temporary… a torn meniscus will put him out of action for a few weeks but if he gets arthritis of the spine like I did between 40 and 50 it’s a permanent disabling condition… and it affects EVERYTHING including our sex life….
All that being said… my younger partner was offered the chance to leave me…. when we got the diagnosis of my back a few months back… he said no… and we are planning the wedding for October…
Personally, If you are happy and he is happy and you have the same goals and plans and the only concern is age and you are aware that he will age before you.. I say GO FOR IT
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 Well a 13 year age gap is pretty big - I think 10 is about the maximum you can get away with and even then it is still a struggle.
If you think way way down the line, i.e. when you are both a lot older. For example he will be 50 and you will only be 37 - do you really see yourself in your 30's in a relationship with a 50 year old? Same applies when he is 60 and getting towards the time for his pension, you will only be 47. This will also impact on his health - you may end up becoming a carer for an elderly man if he does have health problems, and believe me most people once they get past 60 will start having some health problems.
Lets think about children. Say for example you have children fairly young, maybe aged 25. He will be 38. So by the time the child is 10, their dad is nearly 50. He wont be able to play with the kids like a younger dad would be able to, he wont have the energy. When the child reaches 20, dad is nearly 60. I know we all live a long time these days but even still, if he has kids at such a late stage in life he runs the risk of never seeing his grandchildren. That also leaves you with the realisation that you may grow old alone, you will be in your 60's or 70's and have a very good chance that your partner will not be around anymore due to him being that much older than you.
At the moment, with you 21 and him 34 it isnt much of a problem because often men in their early 30's are still fairly immature and like similar things to women in their 20's. But the problems will really come into play when you start getting serious and thinking about the future - there will be a lot of sacrifces you will have to make if you do decide to be with him long term so you have to ask yourself if you are ok with all of that.
It might mean that he wants to start settling down within a year or so, would you be happy with that? Or do you have lots you want to do/achieve before you get married and have kids?
Only you can determine whether or not this will work - if he is worth these sacrifices and you are happy to see how it goes then I'm sure you will be fine. If you think it will be too difficult in the future then it is best to call it quits now before you get more attached. But that is entirely up to you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I think when it comes to age differences, it really depends on the personalities of the two people involved. I am sixteen years older then my hubby......we've been married for seven years, and are extremely happy. He tells me that we are two pieces of a two piece puzzle. We became friends, which lead to a casual (no sex) dating relationship, which then steadily progressed into something more serious as time went on. Neither of us was looking to be in a relationship, we just liked to do the same things, and enjoyed each other's company. Over time, we fell in love, and realized that the age difference meant nothing and we were perfect for each other.
Every situation is different, and it's one of those things that you won't know whether or not it can work, until you give it a try. I always say, the only reason why age is a problem, is because people make it that way.
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reader, The Realist  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 I think that can be the main reason why the relationship doesn't work out. It would definitely be a good thing to talk to him casually about what he is looking for in life right now. You two may be on the same page or not. He may want to start a family or he could just be looking for a great partner. The only thing I can say for sure is he is most likely looking for a long term relationship which is probably a good thing. You'll have to figure this one out and see where you want to go from there.
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reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (26 April 2012):
 A bit older is a few years. This man is 13 years older than you - hardly anything little there. Honestly, I don't see what a 21 and 34 year old could possibly have in common in terms of life experience. I don't mean that statement in a rude, judgmental way either. I too was 21 not so long ago and now that I am 27, I can tell you that life perception and responsibilities are SO much different than at 21. What I wanted and how I saw the world, men, relationships, ect at 21 are very different now at 27. I wouldn't even want to be friends with 21 year olds, much less date them.If you were 31/41 and he 44/54, I would say, why not! You're both old enough at that point to fully know what you're getting into and what to expect. But at your current age, I don't think that you *really* understand what you're getting yourself into. Let me put it this way: would you want to date a much younger guy? Would you want to date a 15/16/17 year old? Don't you think to yourself: gosh, I remember being 15/16/17 and I would not want to go back to that mentality and dealing with someone with that type of mindset. That is why you don't see too many 34 year olds in relationships with 21 year olds. It's normal and healthy to seek a partner that will be on an equal plain level. And there is nothing equal about the two of you. He is far more experienced than you and in most cases, the more experienced has more power in the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2012): it will probably be a problem unless you or he both have unusual preferences and goals for your respective age groups.Most people in their 20s want to do adventurous things and/or develop their careers.Most people in their 30s want to settle down and start and raise families as soon as possible.but if you and/or him don't have these typical priorities for your respective life stages then it could work out. for example I have male friends in their mid 30s who are not looking for marriage or family and are still very much into the same things they were in when they were in their 20s. They would be better candidates for dating women who are in their 20s. Then there are women in their 20s who already want nothing more than to settle down and be family oriented. They would do fine with guys in their 30s, I think.
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