A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am a foreigner dating an American and in the country I came from it is quite natural if you are in a committed relationship to drop condoms and using other types of birth control such as loop or pills. The other day my boyfriend said that he have never had unprotected sex with his ex girlfriends before. He had two relationships before me and both were long term committed relationships which lasted almost three years for each. And I was wondering if this is common in America or my boyfriend is a bit too nervous or paranoid about getting STD or having a baby?Do couples in America ever talk about dropping condoms? If so, when do they start talking about it? When they get married?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I'm from USA, and it's just like anywhere, every person is different.
For your peace of mind, I think that both of you guys should get tested for STDs.
He still might want to use condoms. It's not necessarily a lack of trust; he may be doing it to protect you from pregnancy. He's being careful, not paranoid. If you're not ready for a baby, it's imperative to take precautions. :) He probably loves you a lot, and if there's something he can do that will reduce your chances of an unwanted pregnancy, then why not do that? :)
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 April 2009):
 I smell a wrong idea hiding beneath the boyfriend's answer. People seem to think that condoms are used primarily for protection against sexually transmitted diseases, and only secondarily for contraception. In fact, those of us old enough know that the opposite the truth: condoms were meant to be contraceptive devices first, and only when AIDS became a serious problem did people generally have the idea of using condoms for protection against diseases.
I have known couples that love each other and are strictly monogamous but continue to use condoms because the woman does not feel at ease with pills or other methods, and the man doesn't want a vasectomy.
But the real issue here is the boyfriend's reluctance to stop using condoms, which is interpreted as lack of trust. That might be the case. Condoms have nothing to do with it.
How long ago did you commit to each other exclusively? If it is three months, sorry, I would do what your boyfriend does. You could have a sexually transmitted disease and not know it. But this is not as negative as it seems, if you look at it the other way around. Maybe you can't be sure about him, either; or HE can't be sure, and he is protecting YOU.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Well my perspective may be different than most because I'm an older man and the majority of my exploits were prior to HIV and the big STD scares since the late 1970s and early 80s to the present. If one is involved with healthy, decent people, I think much of the concern is overblown.
At my age (about 60), considering that the women I now date are typically close to my age and infertile, I rarely worry about it. Last year, for the first time in my life, I used a condom with one woman who raised some concern, but even then it turned out to be unfounded.
On the other hand, young fertile women run the risk of possibly unwanted pregnancy, and if consorting with very active or multiple males, then disease is a high risk. So I'll concur with the first response from the anonymous female from Canada. Get tested, use the pill and do not worry about it much as long as the relationship remains reliably monogamous.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (14 April 2009):
Well if you both go and get tested for STI's and then you are on a REALLY reliable form of contraception then you could talk to him about it.
But if he wants to use them then you are going to have to put up with it.
Sex is ALWAYS a risk, no form of contraception is full proof so he's being safe. You can't blame him.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (14 April 2009):
 Smart guys like your boyfriend continue using condoms even in committed relationship. He's not paranoid, he is CAREFUL. I'm single now and hope my next boyfriend will be like your boyfriend. That's how it should be.
A woman should only go on the pill or loop (IUD) when she's married. If a man wants to enjoy me raw, then he should be my husband.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Well I live in Canada (but I'm not from there) and I think that if it's a long term thing and you've been having sex for a while, and you are of course on the pill or some other birth control, then you should be able to drop the condoms.
What a drag to use condoms for years and years! As long as both of you know that you are free of STD's, you are not being irresponsible.
But that's my opinion.
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