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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: My ex cheated on me and we have now been seperated for 8 months. I was in alot of pain as he continued to see her after we split. I always felt more pain as he had stayed with her and I used to think 'if only he was with someone else it would not be this painful'. Now however they have broken up and I feel bad again that he is on the market and I do not know how I will feel when he gets with someone else.We were together for 13 years and have children together. Im am trying to move on with my life by it is as though he is running beside me on the moving on train and I can see him through the window. I just cant get rid of him. How do I stop the jealously and reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllly move on. I know I cant dictate who he can see and I am noway trying to do this. He would never know how I feel as I act as though I am not bothered and we only talk about the children. I just wondered if people really ever get over there exes or even worse first exes. Please help!
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female
reader, Gena Bullock  +, writes (4 April 2008):
 Honey, after six years of growing 'cold' I finally could look him in the eye and tell him its over. He was the one who had a hard time seeing me with my bf after we separated and I know it was hard on him. He's gotten better though; in fact, just yesterday he sent me a box of personal things that I'd left at his house by our daugther.I can see him finally 'letting go' and showing me some respect in this way..a camera that my grandfather had given me back in 1978 when I graduated High School (he's dead now) that meant so much to me...he finally let me have it back. It was in the attic when I packed and left 3 years ago and I asked for it after the separation and he wouldn't give it to me. It had sentimental value and he knew it. He was mean for a long time, but I see now he's mellowed out a bit through gestures like this. This is good. It means he's letting go piece by piece and trying to have peace in his mind/heart. You have to start some place.No, I have no remorse now and that's a good feeling. You recall good times, learn from the bad ones and 'let it go' and it isn't easy, mind you--but, it will happen one day for you too. Time heals a lot of things. Someone else will come into your life and sweep away the past--you'll recall it from time to time, but it will be a distant memory and not something that pangs at your gut as it does now. This is all so fresh and new for you, so DO give it time. Stay busy with other things and don't sit and mope about it. When you catch yourself doing that, grab a phone and call a good friend, or family member you are close to and talk about it. I talked so much about my divorce throughout the separation that I actually gave myself therapy by doing that. No drugs to sleep, or to keep me calm...Mind you, I did cry a lot...birthdays (like his...after the first one, but only a memory after that with little emotion)It upset me I wasn't with him that first birthday of his and I woke up that Sunday in tears. But, I got up and showered and ate breakfast and went for a long walk and then met a friend for lunch and the day flew by...it got better after that. We talked because we have our child, who at that time, was living in Missouri with her hubby.When I think of him now, its a peaceful feeling and a friendly feeling. Although he hurt me terribly over a period of years, verbally and through cheating...I got past all of that and have moved on with my life. At some point, you have to put the past behind you and move on.God, for one, doesn't want us to live in our pasts as it will control our present (as it is trying to do to you now) so don't let this eat at you for too long. It's okay to have remorse and depression for a short while, but know that it isn't a lasting thing unless YOU let it be. And, it IS NOT healthy. Go to counseling if you feel the need to talk to someone unbiased; otherwise, I'm here for you at most any time. Remember, children need you to be there for them as well. Love yourself, then you can love others unconditionally...meaning your children and then, a new person who will come/be in your life some day. IT WILL HAPPEN.BIG Hugs, Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGena. You make my situation seem so so weak now that I have read yours. I dont know how I would have coped in your situation. I guess you just do. When you say that not a day goes by when you think about your ex husband and that you have no remorse. Do you feel differently though!
Its hard to explain but when I think of him or know that I am going to see him I get a wave of butterflies in my stomach. (Not good though), Its like that adrenaline as if you are about to start a race or do something that you feel anxious about. Similar to when you fancy someone and they walk in the room. But not in a good way.
I just dont want to feel that feeling anymore. When I get it I try to block it and act as normal as possible. Then when he is gone again I sit still for like 20 minutes and cant even cry anymore. But it is like being paralysed. Maybe that is what grief feels like I dont know. I also get it when I think of him with someone else or get told that someone has seen him around town.
Is that how you feel when you see or think about your ex. Does this feeling go?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGena. You make my situation seem so so weak now that I have read yours. I dont know how I would have coped in your situation. I guess you just do. When you say that not a day goes by when you think about your ex husband and that you have no remorse. Do you feel differently though!
Its hard to explain but when I think of him or know that I am going to see him I get a wave of butterflies in my stomach. (Not good though), Its like that adrenaline as if you are about to start a race or do something that you feel anxious about. Similar to when you fancy someone and they walk in the room. But not in a good way.
I just dont want to feel that feeling anymore. When I get it I try to block it and act as normal as possible. Then when he is gone again I sit still for like 20 minutes and cant even cry anymore. But it is like being paralysed. Maybe that is what grief feels like I dont know. I also get it when I think of him with someone else or get told that someone has seen him around town.
Is that how you feel when you see or think about your ex. Does this feeling go?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (3 April 2008):
 Ooh so sorry for writing war and peace on my reply I realised afterwards, glad some of the advice you have had from all 3 of us has helped.
Just keep thinking positively and believe me it does get better.
Keep smiling eh!!
BFN
Country Woman
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female
reader, Gena Bullock +, writes (3 April 2008):
You are on the road to healing...You never forget, although, some day, you may forgive. It's a lesson in life that 'teaches us' not to do it again, or have someone else do it to us again. You are very fresh in your separation; I, for one, have been divorced 2 years now.
It does get better, but you never forget them. I was married 26 years, 1 child, now 21. He cheated on me from 2 years into our marriage until six years prior to our separation. Our 20th anniversary he gave me an eternity ring, and that is when I realized I didn't love him any more. So, for six years I made plans (saved money on the side) to leave and move on with my life. You grow cold and hard when you do it the way I did...knowing all along you are leaving him. It was the only way as every time I looked into his eyes, I could see the other women staring back at me...it was sickening. I couldn't see growing old with him anymore--that's when you know it's time to move on.
Happy to say, I've met someone new and am going on with my life; however, there isn't a day that goes by (when you have a child--even at 21 years old) that i don't think about him...not in a way of remorse, just that I was glad I did make the change in my life. It's made me a better person, because, even now, he's not changed on bit. Sad to see and say....some lessons men never learn or can't figure it out.
Gena
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank all the aunts for your advice. I am amazed that I had three replies to my question. I thought I would only get one. Im am quite excited about the road ahead and really smile at the thought of getting over my head but I sure am finding that hard to believe.
I am going to keep all those comments and read them over when I am feeling down about it as my they have really lifted my spirits for today.
I know that I do not want to be with him and you are correct that we ended our relationship with alot of hostility. I think that he is having some regrets as this is what some close friends of both of us has told me. In a normal situation I would have loved to have had the choice of no contact full stop but with the kids it is so difficult.
I am taking the time out to do things when he has the children but all I have managed so far is to clean the family home, get a facial and go clubbing. However, I am going to put more effort into incorporating more me time into those days off.
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (3 April 2008):
Sweetheart getting over a cheating ex is never easy, believe me.
I was with my ex for almost 20 years and yes he cheated on me and he is now with that person. But he hasn't been completely honest in that relationship so a leopard doesn't change their spots.
However, we did go through Relate Counselling and individual counselling and even couple counselling and this helped tremendosly so always bear counselling in mind, even just for you.
Why does someone cheat, well normally there is something not happening in the relationship at home and when children come into the relationship the man sometimes feels left out. I know my ex did and when I was suffering with severe postnatal depression I couldn't be the strong one that I had always been. We didn't talk and I couldn't allow him to be close to me physically as I felt that if he couldn't give me the emotional support how could I give myself to him on a physical level.
You do get over your ex - honest.
I never thought I would and it has now been almost 3 years and I used to work with my ex every day after we split up and I used to see him every day as well as we ran our business from our jointly owned home. That was harder than if we were not connected, only by our daughter.
However, what came out in counselling was the fact that the trust had gone and that is hard to regain.
Look at it this way sweetheart, he has done YOU the favour as it has brought things to a head and you will always be connected by the fact that he is your children's father and you do have a history together.
Could you ever trust him again?
He thought the grass was greener with the new woman and that has fizzled out but he may feel that he wants to test out a few more models right now and you are much better off without someone like that.
Concentrate on the fact that he is there for your children and he gives you emotional and financial support for them.
I could never get back with my ex now as in my eyes he is used goods I'm afraid to say and I want someone who is so into me that he doesn't have the roving eye, my ex always did if I want to be honest. I think he has realised what he has now lost but it is far too late now.
Think about yourself for a change and what you want out of life, the fact that you are not with someone is the reason why you think he is living the life of riley. It isn't always the case but your self confidence has been knocked and you are feeling low which is very normal.
Just because he has moved on don't feel it is a competition, give yourself time and make plans for you and the children like a break - even to see relatives or something. Start to do things for you and spend 1 hour a day doing something that you enjoy - even if that is reading after the children have gone to bed or giving yourself a manicure or pedicure, anything that makes you feel good about yourself. Getting your hair done or spending some time with some girlfriends when he has the children.
Put strict plans in place re access to the children and don't let him dictate what is going to happen. Normal access is every other weekend and I work it that my ex has our daughter from roughly 6pm on a Friday till 6pm on a Sunday. If you want them to see their father in the week that is your choice but remember that if they are school age don't disrupt their bedtime routine for him, you need to be the one in charge as it is in their best interest and not what works around his timescales OK.
Good luck and always here for you anytime OK.
BFN
Country Woman
x
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (3 April 2008):
 If you know there is no chance of a reconcilliation then you need to close the door on it and eventually, with time things will get less painful. Try not to ask him about his personal life and if he tells you about it then let him know you'd rather not know about it. 13 years is a long time to have been together, you both have a lot of history and of course children together so you'll never be able to totally forget him.
Think of WHY you broke up with him. Could you ever trust him again? If you got back together, is there the chance he might cheat on you again? Aren't you worth more than that? Is taking him back (if he was up for it), worth that risk? It takes years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it...
Here is a link which might make it easier to put closure on things. You know the old saying "when one door closes another one opens". Until you're able to put complete closure on your romantic past with him then you'll never be able to move on. Don't beat yourself up over someone who might never make you happy. You deserve nothing less than fidelity in a relationship.
http://www.wikihow.com/Get-Over-a-Break-Up
Life DOES go on and you will be happy again. 8 months isn't long when you've been together 13 years but like I said, with time you WILL heal.
All the best to you and your kids.
~Eve~
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