A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:After years of my husband being very neglectful , toxic, drunkard and bullheaded.. i decided to stop caring and do my own other things.. Now that he has realized that i might leave the relationship...he says he agrees with me about everything and is ready to change..Challenge is , he wants me to accept that in a week and that we move on...have another baby(which feels like he wants to trap me)...bra bra..mind u i wanted a baby way back and he didn't But people tell me no one is perfect...bra braMy questions are; do people change? amn't i allowed sometime to overcome all this...
View related questions:
drunk, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Susie +, writes (22 August 2018):
 So that's a big fat NO - no babies with this man. Not unless you're prepared to give him a few years to prove that he's changed, matured, stopped being an ugly human. I really can't see this working. Do you really want to be with a man who would only change his behaviour towards you, because you're going to leave? There's no love there. There's no respect. You need to have serious think about what you want from life. You deserve better.
Take care xx
A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (21 August 2018):
 People change because they want to change, not because someone wants them to change. Its difficult to change as a person, it takes much hard work and its very easy to slip back into who you are, who you are comfortable being whether its a good or bad person.
Your husband hasn't changed in a week. He's saying what he thinks you want to hear and he's saying it because he's now realized that you're tired of it all and want out. He's losing his grip on you and he doesn't like it so he will say ANYTHING to get you to stay.
Again, he can't change in a week. Beware of the smokescreens he may throw your way. If you want to give him time to prove to you that he really is trying to be a better person, then do it. Sit down and really talk to him and give him a time frame. See how hard he tries. Does he make an effort?
DO NOT EVEN CONSIDER HAVING A BABY!!! This would be a really terrible mistake. Many people think bringing a baby into a messed up relationship will bring the couple closer together, right all the wrongs, etc. It WON'T! All it does is add more stress, more drama and a poor innocent child is thrown into an already bad situation. PLEASE don't have another child!
Think things over carefully. Its hard to walk away from a marriage but sometimes you know its over and you need to just end things and walk away.
I wish you all the best. Don't just think with your heart. Think with your head. This is your future too!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (21 August 2018):
 People can change but they can change back and usually do when they feel the fear of losing you is gone.
"he wants me to accept that in a week and that we move on" -bull headed, no change in that line of thinking.
Has he given you his reassurance his drunkard, toxic and neglectful ways will come to an end within a week? So again, do as I say not as I do.
No No No No No to babies. Don't let yourself be the irresponsible one to let that happen
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 August 2018):
 No more babies. None. Possibly no more ever with this man.
He needs to prove change and I’d give him 6 months before considering leaving, if he hasn’t changed. Definitely wait for at least 2 years of change before considering any more children - any sooner would be irresponsible and unfair to the baby, so stay/get on very reliable birth control and always use condoms. Please don’t allow him a chance to sabotage it and get you pregnant.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 August 2018):
 No don't add more children to this mess.
One thing is being READY to change, another is to ACTUALLY change.
One thing is SAYING he will change, another is to ACTUALLY change.
You have to decide IF you think him capable of changing.
But you also have to decide that IF he really can't or won't change... what will you do? Having a child is preposterous at this point in time.
A baby will NOT change him.
A baby will NOT fix him.
A baby will not fix your issues or your marriage.
A baby will only ADD to the issues.
If you think HE can do this, give him a set time line to SHOW you that he CAN and WILL change. If he doesn't, well... then you can consider your next move.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): Uhm...no...no babies! Babies do not deserve to have drunken fathers or mothers; or to be brought into dysfunctional family-situations. They are a blessing! They are not meant to be born into this world only to be used as a pawn in a nasty custody-battle, or live a whole lifetime watching two hateful parents fighting all the time!
Did you get married in your teens? The age-group above your post is given between 22-25. You reference time by years; that your husband has been neglectful, toxic, and bullheaded. Years? Approximately 2-3? Couldn't be much more.
If his drunkenness started before marriage, why did you marry him anyway? Why would you want a family with a drunk?
Most marriages that are too young end-up like yours. Oh yes, people do change alright! You'll determine you were too young, and one or both decide to grow apart; rather than grow-up.
You don't just walk away like a girlfriend. You get a legally-documented and court-issued separation called a divorce. You can also get marriage-counseling; if you feel there is some small chance you can salvage the marriage.
Your description of your husband lists all the reasons people get a divorce; excluding cheating, or domestic-abuse.
What does bra bra mean?!! Just curious! I thought that was a woman's under-garment. Just kidding!
I would recommend that you get marital-counseling; while insisting he goes through alcohol-rehabilitation. He must also maintain gainful employment. Young drunks don't usually keep a good job; because hangovers adversely-effect their attendance, lessens job-security, and they're often tardy. They stink and reek of stale liquor. Even if they work for a relative, or own their own business; they'll screw it up!
Meanwhile file for a legal separation. If he falls off the wagon, he falls off the map! Proceed with the divorce, and get him out of your life. No babies!
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (20 August 2018):
 Offering to change because he is scared of losing you is a long way short of actually changing.
Giving you a week to accept he has changed and move on (if I understand your post correctly) is ridiculous, as you surely must know. This abuse has been going on for years. He is not going to change "just like that".
Bringing another child into this relationship is probably the stupidest thing you could do. OF COURSE nobody is perfect, but there is a huge gap from perfect to your description of your husband.
Your husband is trying to use a baby as a sticking plaster for your failing marriage. It will not work. All that will happen is that you will have another child to look after while your husband continues to be what he has been for years.
If he means what he says, give him TIME to prove it to you. Give him time to earn your forgiveness and trust. Do NOT rush into having another baby with this abusive man. You must know deep down that this relationship is in its death throes. A baby is not going to save it.
...............................
|
