A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have 2 girlfriends, A and D. I have been in an open relationship with A for 4 months and D for a little more than 2 months. Both know about each other and I am in love with both of them. D is older and married to a man and the marriage is open. Aside from a few hookups here and there I've only been romantic with these two women. A has many partners. So many that it makes me see our relationship as not as important. She tells me that sex is just sex unless the person she's having sex with means something and that having regular sex with her partner is extremely important to her. So far I've been understanding of this. Until witnessing exactly how active her sex life is outside of me. All I keep thinking about is "how important could what I offer in the bedroom be when she could easily get it from so many other people?" It has made me less attracted to her. We haven't had sex in almost 3 weeks. I tell her I'm tired or I purposely make plans to take up my time (with D especially) so I don't have to lie or tell her I just don't want to. I've contemplated ending our relationship because of this but because of my feelings for her and how afraid I am to hurt her I can't bring myself to do this. I do not wish to change her lifestyle or control her in any way. I guess my question is should I look past this and continue my relationship with A? Should I talk to her about how knowledge of her multiple partners has me slightly insecure? Or should I just end the relationship? Since seeing D however, we have had this intense, passionate connection in and outside of the bedroom. I really feel like she is my soulmate and she has even said this to me. I have expressed to her that I wish to keep our relationship open for personal and obvious reasons. One of which being that she is married. She is aware of my struggles with A as I have been confiding in her. But for a few weeks now I've only wanted to be involved with D. D has expressed that she wishes I not see anyone else but said she would never ask me to do so. I feel like no other person or relationship could make me feel the way she does. But I am unsure of letting go of A or the freedom of being open to be with a married woman. I am also afraid of feeling trapped or claustrophobic if I exclusively continue my relationship with D. Even if things don't work out with A, and with things going so well with D should I exclusively continue my relationship with D, even with my apparent fears of being monogamous or should I keep it open even though this brings insecurity to surface from D?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (22 August 2018):
 Yeah it’s pretty clear that open relationships aren’t for you.
In fact they just sound stupid. If you don’t want to be exclusive with someone then why class it as a relationship? Just be single. How can you bond with someone when they’re going out and getting fucked by whoever else they fancy? You say you’re afraid of exclusive commitment yet you’re here complaining that A doesn’t care about you because she has sex with many others. Well yeah, that’s pretty obvious don’t ya think? People who are openly having sex with others don’t really have enough feeling for someone to make things exclusive do they?
So basically you’re unhappy with A because you don’t feel like she cares about you, whilst you’re off fucking somebody else’s husband and telling her how upset you are? This just sounds like a complete mess. How do you know you have a fear of being exclusive if you’ve never tried it? I was happy being single and felt like I hated the idea of being in a relationship until I got together with my GF and the feeling of bonding with someone and building a future with another person far outweighs the feeling of sleeping with whoever you like and then never speaking to them again, let me tell you.
I honestly can’t understand how open relationships work. I think deep down there’s always jealously of some degree there no matter how much both parties say there isnt. Humans don’t like sharing their mates it’s just in our nature. I’d advise forgetting about BOTH of these women and finding someone to be exclusive with and dating only one person as you clearly can’t deal with the feelings it raises inside you.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 August 2018):
 Sorry, but did someone hit you on the head with a hammer as a kid?!?
You're having issues with a partner's open relationship, yet you yourself have and want an open relationship. You CAN'T be serious! If you want to roam in the "open relationship" territory, then you can't be a hypocrite and take issue with other people's open relationships! That makes you territorial and immature.
What is the problem with monogamy? Open relationships are like playing several musical instruments at the same time. You may have the skill enough to play a few notes in tune, but you'd be a virtuoso if you picked up ONE INSTRUMENT at a time and played it well.
Monogamy is amazing! You don't have to worry about your partner being with others, and you will get to know her a WHOLE lot better, as your sex life has the added component of taking the time to learn what turns her on, what works in sex, and it's so much more fulfilling!
You're like the guy who loves to go to buffets and stick his hands in all the food, yet is upset because OTHER PEOPLE go to the buffet and are served from the same trays of food. You need to get over it and quickly if you want to continue as you are.
Open relationships go both ways. Whining about how important you are is useless. None of these women are important to you like that, so either get used to this, or go monogamous and be REALLY important, but in order to BE VALUED, you need to VALUE your woman enough to forsake other partners. THere are no shortcuts, and absolutely NO WAY around that fact.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2018): I am rather confused here. Are male or female?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): You care too much about both A and D to be capable of an open relationship. You seek connection, but that is not what an open relationship is all about. An open relationship is about having fun, having sex in the moment, no strings attached, and nothing more. If you want something deeper then you will have to become monogamous and find someone that is monogamous as well. People in an open relationship have their attention, thoughts, and feelings split in different directions and change their mind all the time. Neither A and D are going to give you the attention you want. A has many partners and it makes no difference to her whether you are not available or not, there are plenty of others to please her. D will not give you full attention either as her husband & family are always going to be her #1 priority. If something happens she will choose them no matter what and drop you easily. Raise your standards. You can do better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 August 2018):
 It honestly sounds like a total cluster-fuck.
I Personally don't get open relationships, because it means you SPLIT your attention and focus from ONE person to multiple people.
Why the need for SO many partners? Is ONE of them not enough? Are YOU not enough?
To me it seems insincere.
A is insincere, she just wants sex partners, the more the merrier. She isn't SHARING herself, just her body. So IF that is what you are looking for.. A is a fine.
D is married. So not really a good partner if you want a deep connection, you will NEVER be her first, second, third or fourth priority. Her family will be, SHE will be.
How close can you really get to either A or D?
D isn't your "soulmate", she already HAS a mate, her husband. Whom she has MATED with. She has CHILDREN with this guy. While they have an open marriage how do you think all this fucking around (pardon my English) will affect them in the long run?
I think If you want a PARTNER who feels as deeply for you as you do for the partner, you might want to try and stick to ONE. To try exclusivity. With someone who wants the same.
You are spreading yourself too thin with multiple people.
Reality is that "open" relationship means LESS of a connection, not a deeper one. IMHO
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