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female
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anonymous
writes: Do most marriages becomes sexless, when people are in their 50 es,due to boredom ,or biological changes? I really need to know that. Mine is like that , and my husband is off sex. And the doctor doesn't know why,but he says dont worry, it is very general. Most man will get bored, and look for younger ,fresher girls. So,is this true? So when we get married at 25 ,we have no idea ,that it is like a time bomb,or is this not true, and there are many happy couples, who still hot for sex,after 25 years? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 It's the mild depression honeypie.. try him on some St John's Wort, and follow the suggestions for acting like a crazy sex starved teenager ( thanks anon for your wild suggestions)
Medically there is nothing wrong, but it sucks to get older, get aches, and feel as if you've passed your best. Shake him up, get active, get wild, get funny... 50 year olds do best when they make this the time of their second childhood... Use it or loose it I say.. :)
Nope, never met a 50year old who was ready to get old and go without sex for life. But it's all about attitude. 50 aint old, but you can age if you think that's what your supposed to do at your age..
Book a dirty weekend away somewhere near a beach, and don't pack any nightclothes or any underwear for you or him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Hi again, this REPLY really is for 'SOUL4REAL' I'm well aware about the physical changes a woman goes through her in her 40's and 50's, as I've spent 20 years working in the medical profession before establishing my own consultancy as a relationship consultant.
So YES I have been going through the menopause for the last 8 years, which has been tough, flushes every 20 minutes leading to fainting sometimes, but that has lessened as I'm almost through to the other side. I have NOT taken any HRT, but I do keep fit, exercise, run almost everyday, therefore my figure has pretty much remained the same. I wanted to ensure you were aware that I TOO am going through the menopause.
BUT SOUL4REAL it has never affected ME personally sexually, I have always enjoyed sex, and this has not changed my desire. I appreciate this is NOT the same for everyone, as everyone has different libidos. Whatever their age.
I was merely bringing a different aspect to the lady's question, as everyone else was covering the physical and biological issues that may surround the reasons for a non-existent sex life.
There was no point in me bringing the same questions as everyone else...this lady needs to be able to decipher what may be the problem from a whole array of possibilities, and as I say, I presented a NEW slant on the question.
Jilly
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male
reader, AussieAsh  +, writes (17 August 2010):
I think it depends on peoples attitudes towards sex and how important it is to them, I think a persons fitness and how much ex
exercise they do can also greatly affect someones libido.
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Ok, if your husband checked out physically, normal testosterone, he still has mild depression, at that means he is going to lose some interest in activities that he used to get pleasure from.
You didn't mention if he had his heart checked out, or his blood sugar, so is the jury still out on those conditions?
Is he a smoker, as that can narrow his circulation to his penis that keeps an erection.
Apparantly the male erection is a pretty complex process and if one thing goes awry, he can lose it, I think it is pretty common for men in their 50's to lose their erection right in the middle of sex, but if you keep stimulating him, his erection will come back. Perhaps your husband is even anxious over his performance and is just avoiding it because he feels like a flop (pardon the pun) in bed, you would know better than any of us on that one.
I don't think the whole turning into companions and brother sister type relationship is really all that common, especially at the young age of 50, but it may happen to some couples, certainly none that I know.
I do think there is a decline in male sexual performance due to health related issues and medications that are taken for say high blood pressure for example.
If your husband is completely healthy, then it may be the performance anxiety, and with a clean bill of health he can use viagra, and no embarassment in that, suggest it to him and give it a try, his interest may just come back after that experience.
The good thing is he loves you, isn't being passive agressive and withholding sex as a matter of control or because he is angry....it just seems he needs some more help in the bedroom and an understanding partner, which it seems you are....
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female
reader, Sugarbuns +, writes (17 August 2010):
 People in their 50's still have plenty of sex. Trust me on this one....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Dear , Soul4Real United States + ?,
I totally agree with you... my question was
'' The question was, do you become sexless after 50 from boredom or biological change? This what I want to understand , if generally sex goes bad in this age WITH A LONG TERM PARTNER,or is this a bunch of BS?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): What no one has covered YET on this question...is that SOME couples actually lose desire for each other sexually due to being over familiar, their partner becomes like a friend, a non-sexual being in fact. A companion, but not a sexual partner. Human beings are driven by newness, and often choose to ignore this fact, and attempt to try and find all the reasons they can WHY sex no longer takes place.
This is far more common that people realize, and no amount of rubbing yourself, being provocative, exposing your breasts, masturbating in front of the man, or woman WILL ignite that desire again. This is NOT meant to be unhelpful, especially as you want to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship with your husband, but this is something that cannot be swept under the carpet, it has to be faced as a possibility. Only YOU can find out what it is that is preventing you and your husband being lovers.
As for one reply, I'm not sure I go with the fact that women or men ( menopausal) lose the desire for sex, I'm 53 and still enjoy sex frequently, so saying, because one is over 50 sex becomes less important is NOT always the case. But I do think long-term relationships/marriages do have to work at it.
Really hope you work this one out, as making love, being sexual is really vital for all of us!
Jilly
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): Dear OhGetReal!
And every one else!
Thanks so much! I have a few things to say. My husband is healthy, as he was checked out several times, and he is getting night erections.
He has good hormone levels. He did go to psychiatrist too, and tried antidepressant ,even so he didn't qualify for depression, just on a very mild level.
So the problem is, that after few years of investigations and trying this an that, he still have low libido, like never gets horny, and losing his erections if finally we get there. There is no explanation. He does say ,he loves me.. So we almost never have sex. And I'm so confused ,if its just really happening to everyone or what is going on here. I feel confused. That is why ,I m trying to see ,what is going on for real?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I am sorry but I almost fell off of my chair laughing at the anon's male poster suggestions of what to do in a darkened movie theater and while driving in your automobile barreling down the road a ton of metal with a man having an orgasm behind the wheel, and calling you a dud if you didn't entertain those things plus bring another woman to your bed.I was also pretty insulted that he automatically assumes that your husband is getting very little sensation from your "weakened" vaginal muscles which are an ineveitable part of aging after 50. Rubbish! I am almost 54 years old, went through the big M almost 4 years ago and I have no symptoms like dryness during sex or a weak, slack vagina, in fact my last relationship was with a man in his 30's 15 years younger than I and we had an active sex life for two years and after it was over he continually begged me for sex which I declined as I moved on with my life.To automatically make these assumptions is simply insulting. There is much you can do to maintain your sexual vigor, all that is implied and if you are having problems in that area, they are highly treatable and fixable.It is true that a man in his 50's needs more "stimulation" to have sex, but it doesn't have to be high risk, raunchy public sex or bringing outsiders into the bedroom. It really begs a conversation with your own paticular husband and to work out sexual turn ons with him and not he general bonehead male public out there who may not be in your age bracket or no what the hell they are talking about.Take care and good luck to you both.
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reader, Trans Am Man +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I really wouldn't worry about it. He's getting older and he probably just doesn't want to. It's not that he doesn't want to do it with you, he's just not interested in sex in general. Odds are he is still faithful to you and he still really loves you. He just feels he would rather watch TV than have sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): No, actually,it is only him ,who lost interest. He does have some problems, but it seemingly psychological. His medical profile does not indicate any trouble. His hormones were checked ,and they are great.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010): I couldn't agree more with C. Grant. He has said a lot of good things and you should take notice.If your marriage has gone sexless as you indicated, is that because you have also lost interest? As a man ages, his testosterone level and sex drive will diminish. He cannot avoid that biological change. He will find sex less pleasurable, unless it is very physically and mentally stimulating. Sorry to say, but as you age with him, your vaginal muscles will weaken, your vagina will stretch (especially if you have children), and he may not get much sensation pentrating you. He will also lose muscle tone as he ages and sexual activity will become tiring. Sexual intercourse will become a chore for him, rather than a passion. So for him to want to have sex in his older years, the encounter must be very alluring and tantalizing. I would bet that he has some sexual fantasies that he would love to try, but as C. Grant said, you cannot be judgemental. His fantasies may likely be radical, as that would be the mental stimulation he needs to get aroused. If you can get his mind aroused sexually enough, then you should be able to get him to have intercourse with you again.What do you do to get him aroused? You need to be a dirty girl for him and do unexpected things. Here are a few things my wife does to turn me on and they may work for you too:Rub his crotch when he is driving a car.Give him a hand job in a movie theatre.Stuck in traffic? Give him a good rub down or if it is dark outside, go down on him.Rub his package through his pants in the store to get him hard, then walk away leaving him hard and wanting more.Pull up your skirt in the car and masturbate for him as you both drive along. Let him sniff your fingers from time to time as you rub yourself.Pants him in the back yard and go down on him. Have sex right there on the lawn (or in a park). The thrill of getting caught can be a real aphrodesiac.Pull up your shirt and show him your breasts from time to time. Do that in the lumber section of the hardware store and he will light up (maybe the clerk will get a glimpse too).Plan a picnic lunch in the woods or some remote location. Then disrobe for him and you then undress him. Try foreplay for a while then mount him and ride him outdoors.Mix up intercourse with some hand action and oral sex. Surprise him by letting him finish in your mouth. Pretend you like the taste and want more.If you act like a sexual deviate or siren then he will get interested in you sexually again. If you act like a dead fish that just lays spread eagle on the bed, then of course he will be bored. A healthy sex life is only as good as you both make it! Try everything, maybe another girl mixed in there. Don't be a dud.Good Luck!
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male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 It's probably useful to start by defining "sexless" since people have different ideas. The Japanese actually came up with an official description -- less than once per month. A U.S. survey was recently done that defined it as 10 times per year or less.
Judging by posts here on DC, and on other forums such as the Experience Project, it's not an uncommon problem for one partner to have less interest over time (I would assume that if both partners lose interest it isn't a problem). How common is it? Who knows.
Are there couples still going strong after 25 years? Certainly. But it seems like for every one of those who answers a question like this, there are 10 who complain that they're in a sexless marriage too.
The advice you got from the doctor sounds very unhelpful. Health issues aside, a sexless marriage is not inevitable if both are willing to put in some effort. Plain vanilla does indeed get boring after a while, but I don't think most men would prefer to go and have an affair or get a trophy wife if their wife is willing to help keep things interesting. You might ask your husband if there's something new he wants to try, a fantasy he'd like to share. Just be sure you're prepared to be open-minded and non-judgmental even if what he tells you is something you're not willing to try.
Good luck!
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female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 August 2010):
I think it is time to find a new doctor. He sounds terrible to say that to you about "most men" over 50 looking for "fresher" women. It's laughable really, to think of your over 50, pot bellied, balding couch potato husband hunting down 25 year old girls....even the fit ones do not all go off their wives.This is very specific to the individual. Your husband may not be bored with sex, but has low testosterone, which is very common in men over that age which lowers their sex drive and performance considerably. There are medical treatments for that. Send him to a urologist for testing.Make sure he has been tested for vascular and cardiac disease as if he is impotent that is one of the first signs that an aging man has poor circulation, or blocked arteries. He could be pre-diabetic, overweight, depressed, there are many medical and psychological reasons for him not wanting sex. In this economy it might be severe worry about his and your family's finances or how you will afford health care or manage retirement.Talk to your husband and get him checked out, make sure that you aren't fighting and nagging over things as that is a romance killer,too.In short don't give up on your husband and find a new doctor with a more educated view, and a better doctor patient care relationship skills.
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