A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. Some of you may find my question strange but here goes. What I would like to know is do the majority of infidelities go undiscovered? I am studying psychology and I am really interested in this subject and I am in no way asking this question because I have been unfaithful or my partner has (I am single anyway). I have read alot of articles on this on the internet and it seems that unless the cheating partner admits to it, the majority of infidelites are undiscovered. I thought I'd ask on here then I could get a realistic response as it is a dating sight. I am thinking of writing a paper on this so would really appreciate some answers. So, this question I would like asked to anyone who has ever cheated - and I dont necessarily mean a full-blown affair,as obviously they do get discovered. But what about all those one night stands and drunken mistakes, if you never admit to them, do they go by undiscovered?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): I would like to add that Ive been in affair for the last 18 months with a man who has two kids and has had three affairs. The first two only being one or two night stands and the last being me. I am now contemplating telling his wife. His answer to everything (including ending our affair) is the fact that he has kids and so has that in common with his wife..... even though he has told me that he has nothing else in common with her. I find it unbelievable and very niave of her not to have realised after 18 months that he was seeing and having a sexual relationship with someone else. Or maybe it proves that they have nothing in common and do not connect and have no interest in each other anymore? Or it could be that he works full time and provides for her and she is worried that if she speaks out she will lose out on the designer clothes and spa outings with friends she buys with his money!!!I think that someone who is willing to have 3 sexual relationships behind his wifes back does not deserve to have kids! I have discussed this with him before and told him that i think the kids would have a happier life if he split with his wife. They may be youmg but children can sense if their parents dont get on and dont want to be with each other. as the saying goes "a leopard never changes its spots" so this will happen again and again until his wife wakes up and smells the coffee!!!!
A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I agree with Sharebear. It's different if you agree to have an open relationship, if both parties believe they are "sexually secure" enough and if the desire to sleep around is greater than the desire to be with just that one person. I think you should watch the series on channel 4 on demand called Dawn Porter, Extreme Wife, particularly the polygamy and free love episodes. Very interesting.
The point is, affairs will hurt the person being cheated on, and no doubt will have an effect on the cheaters, just read any question on affairs on this site. People end up feeling guilty, torn, confused, wanting more, one person is happy to remain casual but the mistress/male mistress(whatever that is called?) wants a full relationship. Things get complicated.
Yes I can imagine their are people who have had affairs, long and short, who have kept this a secret sucessfully. But I would tend to think these people are either do not posess much empathy because they would need to be lacking in empathy to not feel guilt for their actions and therefor confess or act differently around their no1 partner. The other reason a person could cheat happily without being discovered could be world view and upbringing. If a person grows up around people who consider affairs acceptable, they may not feel badly for doing this whilst maintaining a monogamous relationship, and may therefore be better able to act normally in this relationship and logically leave no clues. I have heard men talking about cheating to male friends as though it were perhaps surprising that a guy would chose not to cheat at all. To some people, cheating is normal and they think it their right and just part of the game of life, to others it is something that happens despite them believing they would never do such a thing for any multitude of reasons. They may feel guilty and confess or act weird and be found out.
I think affairs that get found out do so due to carelessness or guilt. A person will either confess or be found out.
Yes people are very, very complex and there are no universal reasons for cheating and affairs. We all have our own set of values, some more strongly held than others, that we live ours lives by. I agree with Caring Guy's thoughts that if you are the type of person who doesn't want to be with one person for 40 years plus, don't marry or don't get into a committed relationship. There are some of us who are very happy to remain faithful because we want to develop a long, deep, meaningful relationship we find worthy of that. There is no right and wrong, what i do find wrong is to pretend to someone that you are one way inclined when you are in fact not ie getting married but cheating all the time behind the spouse's back. But I can understand that there is pressure to marry and many people do this without seriously thinking about it first. In a way I do think that the increase in divorces may be a good thing. It is better that it is more socially acceptable for people to separate or not marry if that is how they are happiest. Happiness and honesty is what is most important, being honest to yourself and others about who you are and what makes you happy. For some it is marriage, for others, it is multiple long term partners. Either way communication is the only way that we can make sure that our partners are on the same page as us. But this will only happen if people actually care for others feelings, many do not.
Anyway, I'm getting off the subject. You will hear many different opinions on affairs. I agree that looking for proven statistics is the best way forward. Perhaps conduct an anonymous survey yourself. This is an interesting subject.
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A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (31 May 2011):
 Also, to answer your original question; I like to think that if the affair/s are on-going, the afflicted will simply ‘sense’ that something isn’t right. If Darren Brown can read which card someone can pick up or even which shape they’re thinking of through a combination of body language and unconscious symbols… surely there must be ‘something’ to read if someone is cheating you over a long period of time??Unfortunately this IS optimistic and if the act is a one night stand/ momentary lapse it would be far easier to go unseen. –Especially, and I think this is key; if the person feels no guilt. There are the ‘professionals’ that become experts in the field and for whom there can be no comparison with how they behaved before, since they were never monogamous to begin with. –But for the majority of us, I suspect that we wear our hearts on our sleeves far more than we sometimes realise. And I like it that way.
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (31 May 2011):
Well, hey, 'idoneitagain', it appears that we had fabulously similar takes on this post! :)OP, please don't think I was having a go at you at all- I actually think that both idoneitagain and I just found your post interesting food for thought! Personally, I've nothing against 'open relationships' in their place and if it works for all parties. But within the agreed looser bounds of open relationships there 'IS' little scope for 'cheating' so much as permitted infidelity. -Which is fine; no trust broken, no betrayal. I find it interesting that idoneitagain recounts that 'it is never a question of right or wrong, what is right or wrong is also subjective'; as increasingly I find myself thinking that 'cheating' IS a rare case that 'can' often be morally right or wrong. Of course there are different takes on it- you can apply utilitarian principles whereby everyone just aims for the outcome with the 'greatest possible' happiness within the limits of the situation; i.e. X can't (for whatever reason) leave her husband but finds solace in her affair with y. However, with something as personal as an affair, I find that I’m only increasingly drawn to applying more hard-line Kantian ethics, which can elsewhere seem an overly harsh/ cold method of judgement. E.g.; it might 'also' be (even more!) wrong that the husband treats her coldly/ would apply for custody of the kids etc., etc., but that still doesn't make an affair morally 'right'. Short of violence, fear and abuse (and as unfortunately can be the case, fear of losing custody/ no longer being able to protect any children involved), there's rarely any sincere reason to 'cheat' on someone. But of course I do accept that every situation is unique and that a myriad of variations may apply… Perhaps it was actually rash to make the commitment to that one person in the first place, but that in itself is not a reason to become dishonest if things aren’t working out.But looking at it colder, even if might be the lesser of two unfortunate scenarios, and something which of course many people are able to forgive, my gut feeling remains that it's very hard to justify cheating and lying to your lover about it as okay.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): My experience is that things eventually come out.
My father had an affair that lasted for about 7 years, but was eventually caught out.
I've just ended a relationship with someone that I couldn't trust for much the smae reason.
If you're cheating, you tend to change. You don't spend as much time together, you sneak around, you don't have the same contact. Eventually your partner is going to start to wonder what's going on.
In my case my girlfriend started going out with her mates a lot more and got strange if I asked to come. She stopped replying to txts as quickly. Her moods changed. In the end I started to check her phone and found out what was going on.
Interestingly enough her previous partner had done the same with her emails when she was cheating on him.
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (31 May 2011):
There is a lot going on in your question, and in your responses.
I suspect the majority of infidelities do come out eventually, for a variety of reasons. There are a smaller percentage of people who have a combination of attributes and circumstances which lead to them staying secret. Most people who committ an infidelity will unconsciously alter their behaviour and their relationship with their partner that leads to it coming out, and their partners are often the first to sense it too. Also, most people aren't very careful or very smart about it, or very good at hiding their deceit, or lying and acting, and it ends up coming out randomly a lot of the time. It is like people who commit crimes and think they aren't going to get caught, they mostly do. In my opinion. Some will do it successfully though and take it to the grave. You can get stats on a lot of this stuff I am sure, but whether the population size or control of the stats is useful is always questionable.
Aside from your original question, you make some fascinating sweeping statements which might be worth responding to, as they relate to your question:
"it's more of an emotional thing for women..."
Even though men might be considered driven more for sex and women for intimacy or connection that is lacking in their relationship, there is almost always an emotional component even for men. Infidelity often occurs around the things that cannot be faced within the relationship, conversations people are too threatened to have. In my opinion.
"In no way do I think that cheating is wrong..."
This is an arbitrary statement. I agree that people are diverse and complicated, and in this way or from this perspective, it is never a question or right or wrong, what is right or wrong is also subjective. It is more relevant to talk about the effect it has on both individuals, and what it means to them, in other words, it is relevent to look at how it is experienced. In most people's experience, infidelity is a negative, or damaging, or hurtful experience for those people involved. In other cases, an affair offers some relief, from the suffering or lack of intimacy they experience in their primary relationship. Sometimes it causes suffering, sometimes it is a result of suffering, but it is almost always a result of dysfunction somewhere.
"Personally i would forgive a cheater as I am not particularly insecure sexually"
The problem with infidelity most often has nothing to do with sexual insecurity. Many people can overcome this. What is harder to overcome is the sense of betrayal and breach of trust, which are fundamental to relationships. In open relationships, people can have sex outside of the relationship under certain conditions because there is no breach in trust, and safety and fidelity are maintained in the relationship.
"Humans arent naturally monogonous, thats been proven..."
Sorry but that is a basis of opinion not a provable fact, and if it were true there wouldn't be any monogomous relationships, or it would be considered a dysfunction. Actually, it is quite natural, as is it natural for humans in some cases to want to have many different partners. This is determined by the make up of the relationship and the individuals. Individuals who place more importance on love, intimacy, bond, companionship and friendship in their relationsihps are more likely to be monogomous that those for example who are more sexually driven, spontaneous, impulsive, creative, for example. These examples are arbitrary, just to paint a picture, its not true in all cases of course. We are complex beings and have complex relationships, those parts of us that want to have sex with as many people as possible are as natural as those parts of us that want to love and be coupled with the one person we have created a deep relationship with.
This is only meant as food for thought, its a topic I enjoy thinking about :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): I had an affair and told my wife because I could not stand the double life I was living. I also was trapped emotionally and could not give up my mistress. So I told my wife and figured I'd let the cards play out.I never really cheated before that. I mean sure, I might have had crushes, but never all out cheating. I think if I had, I would have confessed. Lying is so much more horrible than the infidelity itself, and even my ex wife said she could have forgiven the actual sexual affair, but the continued lying and deceit is what killed it for her.I'll never do it again. Never. Never. It ruined a part of my life that I'll never get back and I worry, will never feel again.
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A
male
reader, Sttudyo  +, writes (31 May 2011):
I think an important factor is were you live and what people do you mingle with. For instance, if you live in a small town or small city, it is common that many people know each other somehow. Social networks get very mixed up in such places.
Adding that if you only interact with people of certain region, culture or social status, then many people of that social network know each other somehow.
From where I live, it is probable that if you cheat, someone will know because he knows someone who knows the couple in question.
I'd say that the factor that determines if you get caught or not, is the size and interrelationships of your social network.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): ok, ok, jeez! OP here. Ok,maybe what I said about forgiving an infidelity was flippant and in true honesty,thats not what I meant to say. What I did mean to say is that I think there is often more to cheating, psychologically speaking, than meets the eye. Sure, sometimes guys cant keep their dick in their pants, but sometimes people cheat for other reasons, like being unhappy or because theyre mentally unwell. So if I was with someone and they cheated,and they regretted it,and they explained why and wanted to work on that then yeah, I wouldnt leave. I think thats okay and healthy.
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (30 May 2011):
Hi OP,
I find your take quite interesting...
Although, I'm not quite sure I've understood you rightly, when you say that, 'Personally i would forgive a cheater as I am not particularly insecure sexually'.
Of course I agree that we're diverse and complex and that clearly situations are often far from simple. If the relationship was overtly casual or short term, then the infidelity may be primarily seen in the context of the sexual discretion itself. But the act of cheating in a loving, trusting and committed relationship is often more about the act of betrayal, and consequentially often about the on-going dishonesty to hide it.
Presuming that the relationship would anyway have to be at least sufficiently committed enough for any infidelity act to be mutually regarded to be 'cheating' in the true sense, it would therefore be seen and felt as a betrayal.
Ultimately, whether a lover's betrayal was sexual, emotional, financial, personal etc, etc, I can't see how you would be so keen and eager to consent that you would forgive that?
Are you talking from the assumption of a relationship with looser bounds whereby this would previously have been mutually downgraded to a lesser act of betrayal- carrying far less hurt and evidently, no obvious risk or penalty?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): "Personally i would forgive a cheater as I am not particularly insecure sexually. As long as they regretted it."
If you think sexual insecurity is the primary factor driving jealousy over infidelity . . . boy, you have a lot to learn.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Hey, i'm the OP. I just need to add that I'm okay with monogamy personally. I dont have a problem with it, if you find the right person!
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
That figure might be wrong. There were a few going around at the time. But the essence is that men are found out more than women.
Also,for what it's worth you'll make a good psychologist, because you're open minded and you're willing to explore the reasons for cheating - which is good because it's hard not to judge those that hurt otheres.
However, whilst you might be accepting of cheating, be careful you don't become a doormat - those that allow this treatment usually get treated like dirt. And also as you do your research, you'll come across some pretty awful things that have hurt people. Remember, if you're the one who's been cheated on, it'll hurt more than you know. And if you cheat, you cause needless pain if and when found out. Children especially are not forgiving of parents who cheat, for example.
I would always recommend that those who don't want to be together for 40 years, or those that simply can't commit don't get married or enter serious relationships. This could be you, OP, or others. Those who don't believe in monogamous relationships should never drag someone else into them only to cheat. It's a shame that there is a stigma about being single, in my opinion, because there are a lot of people who would benefit from that, rather than entering a marriage only to leave a trail of destruction.
And remember, humans may not be programmed naturally to be monogamous, but the thing that separates us from the animals is the fact that we have the emotional capacity to choose. People can choose to commit, and they can choose to cheat. That's what makes 50% of men and 55% of women not cheat - they make the choice not to cheat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Hi I'm the OP. Caring Guy, have you written those stats right, they dont read correctly, I think the 30% is wrong?!
Also, i would like to add that in no way do I think that cheating is wrong. As a psychologist I just dont see it that way as I think humans are diverse and complicated beings. I would particularly like to hear from women who have cheated, as, according to alot of the literature I have read, that is on the increase. It is also more an emotional thing for women, i.e. women dont necessarily cheat for the sheer act of having sex with someone other than their partner, they do it for emotional reasons, like feeling unsatisfied or feeling unappreciated or to 'get back' at their partners. Interesting.
Personally i would forgive a cheater as I am not particularly insecure sexually. As long as they regretted it. The thing that would make me want to run out of a relationship would be violence. I could not take that for a second. Cheating? Hmm, I dunno, the thing is that most people would do it if they could get away with it. Humans arent naturally monogonous, thats been proven, and in a sense, why should we be? Most marriage's end in divorce and who really wants to be with the same person for like, 40 years or whatever?....
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female
reader, Aunty Honest +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Agree with caring guy that lots go undiscovered and perhaps women are better at hiding it, I wouldn't know. I guess the hard thing is that there's no way of telling how many affairs remain a secret-because they are a secret! It seems to me that cheating does get discovered a hell of a lot-and if there are even more infidelities that go undiscovered perhaps we are left with a very depressing view of monogomy!
One interesting look at this is that as opposed to dating site there are actually adultery sites, for people who consciously look for someone to cheat with. These sites are hugely popular and as far as I know theres a whole etiquette regarding descretion etc. Might be an interesting area of research for you.
Hope that helps.
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male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
Incredibly, they do. And the best gender for hiding their infidelities? Women.
Literally, unless someone owns up, or unless they are found out, that's as far as it goes. And it's a proven fact that men are less careful about hiding affairs than women. Women are very good at hiding them. Of the roughly 40% of women who have affairs, just 30% of those are never found out. For the 45% of men, the figure of those never found out drops to something like 30%.
If you are writing a paper, check those figure carefully. They're not made up (I'm not mad), but you'd need proper figures and you'd need the name of the study.
But yes, in essence, there are plenty of successful liars out there. Sadly more than there are honest people.
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