A
female
age
41-50,
*azzie1
writes:I have a question is it normal for a guy to always make me feel like his the victim. The scenario is that I have been with a guy for more than 4 years who is not the father of my 2 boys..Some violent incidents have occured in the past were I actually don't feel safe living with him. He was living with me a year ago and I had to kick him out cuz he tried choking me and now he's telling me he's unhappy cuz he loves me and wants to build a family with me. I've told him that I dont believe that he would change and that I have to have my guards up. I just told him that it might not work because i"m tired of feeling pressured into doing something and he is always threatening me that eventually were gonna break up and meet other people. I /know this is the best for both of us but why does he say that is me cuz he's doing everything that he is supposed to..he feels like material things are everything which in all reality I don't need any man to do anything for me cuz I work and have my own place..this cannot be normal..for a minute I thought of even moving him into my apt but I'm glad I didn't..Are men that are abusive and violent always act like this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): Yes! Men who are abusive and violent ALWAYS act like this. It is part of their nature. I recently got out of an abusive relationship. I met the man right after he got out of a 1 year prison sentence for battery on his past girlfriend. He acted like he was a "changed man" and even manipulated me into believing that why he went to jail was not his fault. Everything was great, at FIRST. Slowly he started to get very jealous, then the emotional abuse started, then eventually the physical. Whenever I tired to leave he would get me back. It got to a point where I didn't even fight back anymore for fear of my safety. He would say things to me like "i have loved you since the first time we met" "i know my temper gets the best of me but it seems like everything is fighting against us" "I know what I want for the rest of my life, and that's a family with you, the family I never had." I really believed him. I would always remember how it use to be before all the violence and I was always optimistic that he would change. I finally decided to cut off ALL contact with him even though I still loved him. It was the hardest thing i've ever had to do but everyday it gets better and better, and I realize now he will never change. Please stay away from this guy!
A
male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes. That is kind of the definition of being abusive and violent. It is like asking, do all fat people have excess body weight.
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A
female
reader, old-spinstah  +, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes. It's very common for the abuser to blame the victim for everything that's gone wrong, sometimes even blaming the victim for causing the abuse to happen. Abusers do this because they need to convince themselves that they are the victims and absolve themselves of any responsibility for their actions.
Well done for leaving him and don't cave in now. As Caring guy says - men like this don't change.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): An abuser will continue to manipulate and act out violently until they get professional help. He cannot possibly "fix" his violent behavior on his own, even if he swears he's changed and wants a healthy relationship. Basically, he has some serious work to do. Before you even consider rekindling this dangerous relationship you should make sure he's getting help - seeing a therapist, going to AA if that's necessary, joining a support group, etc. The same is true for you - see a counselor regularly to make sure you're strong enough to handle dealing with this relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes, they do act like this. And they never change either. Well done for getting rid of him, for your sake and your kid's sake. How dare he suggest that it's your fault, and how dare he be violent towards you. He won't change, he'll still be violent and abusive. Abusive men are brilliant at manipulating, as you have found. Your ex has managed to do all the talking, but when it comes to it, he will hurt you again if you take him back. You can do so much better, so cut off all contact with him. He tried to choke you, don't even consider letting him back. Good luck.
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