A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't know what to do. My boyfriend has spat on me, called be a whore, thrown a candle into the bathtub, he has accused me of meeting with someone during the 15 minutes that he was gone and I was sitting in the bathtub before putting on my pyjamas, he has told me to disappear from his Life, he has said that he wishes I was dead and that I die a horrible death, he has told me that he will seek his 'revenge' for the nothing that I have done.Why do women stay with men like this? Before he left to run an errand while I was in the bath, he came in and said he loved me and that he was sorry for throwing the candle and that he just wants us both to be happy and that he wants to trust me. I have never given reason for him to think I would ever do anything to hurt him. I can't leave. I can't bring myself to leave him. I am full of hope for the empty promises that he's made and the promises he makes saying that this is a difficult time for him. Help. IS this abuse? DO men really love their girlfriends or wives if they are capable of treating them like that? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): Please know that you are not alone. It's impossible to know what your boyfriend is really feeling but even if it is some sort of "love", it isn't your idea of love. Everyone deserves to be loved in a gentle, caring, self-sacrificing way. I know that this is what you must want. Until he realizes that he is wrong and seeks help to change, there is no hope that he will ever give you what you want or need. He might never get to that point and you can't make him see his need to change. Only he can change, and that only with God's help.
It's going to be painful, but you need to leave. Trust me, I speak from personal experience, that the longer you stay, the worse the abuse will get and the more emotionally attached you will be.
Surround yourself with people who genuinely love you. Be easy on yourself. Understand that you will want to return, but be strong and don't do it. Remember that you are special. Love yourself and leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): Sweetie, run! Do not give him any more chances. He will not change, I promise you. Don't stay with him. Don't think it will get better. Just go. Don't even let him know you are leaving. Pack tomorrow when he leaves for work. Get out while you can. That is abuse, it's definitely not ok, and men who do that need psychological help but rarely think they do. He needs help but not from you. Leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): yes of course that is abuse, and i do not think that the promises will come to anything - like you yourself say - they are empty. I have been in an abusive relationship, and believe me it only gets better when you leave. I hope that you leave before he gets violent
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Are you convinced yet that this is indeed abuse? Well not only is it abuse, but it will get worse! Trust me, I know from experience! If you stay with this guy, you will eventually have broken bones, black eyes, bruises, and that's just some of the physical injuries...the emotional damage is far worse! When I finally gave up on thinking he would change, I realized my days were numbered if I stayed with him. I knew at any moment he could kill me! My life was a living hell! I attempted suicide twice. Ironically, the last time, he saved my life...only to abuse me further! He hated himself, therefore he was incapable of loving anyone else. He never took responsibility for the failures in his life...it was always someone elses fault (including mine!) He was controling and when things didn't go his way he had a tantrum like a two-year-old!
Your guy will never change. Once it starts, it doesn't end! And I am not just talking from my own experience, but those of hundreds of other battered women as well! Statistics tell us that an abused women leaves her abuser an average of 7 times before either leaving for good or dying at the hands of the batterer! Please don't be another statistic. A women is beaten by her partner every minute of every day in America. I believe the number of deaths from beatings is 3 or 4 a day! Frightening statistics to play around with. By the time I finally got away from my ex-husband, I was suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Syndrome. It took me a long time, and lots of counseling to feel safe...and actually I didn't feel completely safe until he died of a massive heart attack last August. Then I was sure, He would never hurt me again!
Good Luck, Be Strong, and Walk Away!
Britt
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I've been in a relationship similar, but not telling me to die a horrible death. That's scarry. It's obvious to me he's been Abused in his life, and now you get the aftermath. Yes, they can be so sorry and charming, but being sorry doesn't excuse constant abuse. You can possiubly give him 1 last chance, but tell him you don't feel safe anymore, and he needs to agree to get professional help to talk about his past and get healing from it. Or take other posters advice and make plans to leave.
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A
female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (20 March 2009):
no, get out of there fast. for your own sake
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A
male
reader, Mr Me +, writes (20 March 2009):
 MOVE ON....
that's all I really need to say... please, move on from him and find someone else!!!!
I will add this: it sounds like he's repeating what he learned from when he was young. Most likely his father was very abusive to his mother/the father's girlfriend. It is what this guy knows and he will always treat his significant other this way.
This is abuse... it's horrible abuse. And you can't stay around to try to fix it... please don't try!! Leave him cold and dry to find someone who is a gentleman! If you want, tell him to get therapy to control his abusiveness, but do NOT stick around to make sure he goes through with it.
You must be strong... even if he gets down on the floor and weeps saying how much he loves you, don't buy into it!! He will always be this way and you cannot and do not deserve that treatment! Move on, don't look back, and find someone who will treat you like the lady that you are!
PERIOD
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Definitely abuse - verbal and emotional will get physical. You know it. The empty promises are exactly that - they are there to balance you out before the next abusive 'event' so that you are left clinging on to this rollercoaster ride wondering if he will change. He won't. Make the decision to leave and do it - plan it carefully. Once you are out and your life is your own again, calm and full of opportunity, you will wonder why you never left before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Yes, this is abuse and No this man does not love you. Get out of this relationship as he sounds like a real nut-job.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2009):
 The real question should be whether this particular man loves you. I guess the answer is no.
Nobody is perfect, so expect some bad things from the person who loves you most. I don't think this man is that person, however. You should take him at his word and leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Oh man...yeah this is abuse...I am currently living kinda like that. No candle in the bath though. But mind games. My husband says he wishes I would die and threatens and what not. I am planning on leaving him this year! Almost 11 years together and 2 toddlers later. Mack Truck finally hit me. Just waiting for the refinance on our house to go through. You need to get away. Its not healthy at all.
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A
female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (20 March 2009):
 This is abuse. He is playing mind games with you. The more he can accuse you of, the more willing you will be to submit to him to show him that you aren't cheating or anything.
You need to get away from this NOW! He doesn't love YOU! He only loves the idea of having someone under his control. Everything he is doing is a power trip.
Leave, I cannot stress this enough. Go to your parents/family, or to a friends house, and don't tell him. Make sure you are in a safe place. Or have someone, like guy friends and witnesses and the police come by while you pack your things. This guy is nuts, and you need to leave him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Honestly, no. That is abuse and you are letting yourself get abused. I would never disrepect a woman especially one that i love. There are so many guys in the world thst know how to treat a woman right why bother with one that doesn't. My advice, leave. He will probably go some-what crazy by stalking you, if that happens get the police involved. Do what ever you have to do but get out of it. It's only going to get worse.
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