A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi aunts and uncles.I wonder if someone can help?I have a mixture of two problems in one. Firstly, do men find it difficult to cope with a very independent woman? Secondly, how can an independent woman prevent a partner from being, for want of a better word, needy?My problem is this. I am and always have been very independent. I bought my own house at the age of 18 and have worked extremely hard over the years in order to provide for myself and my daughter and give us with a good standard of living. I am in the legal sector and my job often sees me working long hours and often requires me to bring my work home. In order that my daughter doesn't miss out on time with me, I dedicate every Sunday to her and we do anything she likes, visits to the zoo, playtime at her friends houses, the park, cinema etc.. Often this is with other mums and my daughters friends. This has always been our routine as my parents helps significantly during the week to enable me to work.I have been in a relationship with my current partner for approximately 18 months, but have known him for a while more. He is a builder and during the winter months his work is very much weather dependent. For the past few months while work has been slow, I've noticed he's been incredibly needing, which is slowly driving me insane. I've made it clear to him time and time again that I'm not ready to live with him. My daughter and I have been on our own since her father left me when I was pregnant and I'm just not ready to have someone else live with me yet. My partner and I were seeing each other one or two evenings a week and some weekends, depending on the plans I had made with my daughter.He has now started turning up uninvited to my house. If I have a busy evening with regards to work and desperately need to work on a case, it is impossible. He has started to call me at work; sometimes up to 7 or 8 times a day, just for a chat as he is at home bored. He has started to resent me making plans alone or with the other mums and my daughter, he only wants me to make plans with him. When he has had time off from work, he expects me to call in sick or come home at lunch to see him. He absolutely does not get it that in my job I just cannot do this. He can't understand why my work is so important to me and why I feel the need to do so much with my daughter on a weekend.I've told him that unless the constant calls, texts and insistence on popping by my house currently every night stop, that our relationship can go no further. It seems as though if I say no, I cannot see him, he will just turn up anyway, or call me relentlessly until I can speak. My work is starting to suffer.Am I being too harsh on him or should he respect my wishes? In every other way he is a wonderful man and I genuinely do want a future with him, but in my own time, not before I'm ready.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): I wouldn't put up with him not being able to pay for himself. Whatis is he a kept man?
Also who lives with his parents at the age of 40?
The way he calls at work and obviously not getting what your day is like tell me that you guys are not very compatible. He is a simple guy who works hard when there is work, making little money, and here you are, a lawyer with a completely different life, with a job that pays well and completely different lifestyle. I think you resenting him but trying to deny it not only based ona fact that he wants your attention all the time.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 I think that what you are going through is sort of inevitable, or at least expectable, being that as you say yourself you are chalk and cheese. That dos not bother you on principle, but then, at the end of the day, it does bother you because it interferes with the possibility of having a harmonious relationship. You may be sexually compatible, emotionally compatible, but alas there's also something like a lifestyle and life vision compatibility . Particularly from a certain age on ( not that you are old, you are still basically a young girl by today's parameters ) when people is less willing / less capable to make big adjustements and overturn their ways and routines to make place for a new person. I don't think that what you are doing is necessarily wrong, your dilemma is shared by many busy overworked single mothers. If you have a demanding job, and a 6 y.o. child who NEEDS your presence and attention at least on weekends, yes there's not a lot of time left for romance and cozy one- on- ones. There's not really any brilliant solution, at least that I can think of, unless that of postponing the attempt of building a relationship until your kid will be more independent ( I don't mean " adult ", but as you will see, a 10 y.o girl WANTS much less mommy time than a 6 y.o. one ) or else, to find someone who fits better with your lifestyle, committments, prioritoies and schedule. Someone like you, either very busy or very independent. Another workaholic who's in love with his job, another lawyer under your same pressures, another single parent who knows that kids come first. Maybe a younger man who would enjoy a lot of space to do his own thing with his friends...
I am not saying that you are necessarily " selfish "- you do what you've got to do, and what works for your and your daughter's future, and I can't blame you for that. But, I think you have to come to terms with the fact that what you've got to offer at present in terms of time and attention and nurturing, may not be enough for the average guy in his 40's. What you want to do is dating, indefinitely- a nice dinner out or cozy night in once a week, ... then everybody back home, see you next week. While this can be good or excellent for some men, I think generally a guy your age or older , either is committed to a career of player and eternal carefree Peter Pan, or wants something more permannent, more couplish, more relationship-y, or even more family-like, than just " going out " occasionally.
So I think that your bf, in part maybe he just does not " get it " - how important certain things are for you, how you don't have the time to be more involved in his life, and in part he thinks YOU don't " get it ", how can you expect to have a meaningful, serious relationship, when in practice your lifestyle does not allow it but you are also adamant against making any adjustments / concessions to make it happen.
It's like you are playing cards together, but you are playing, say, whist and he is playing gin rummy. Obviously there will be confusion , arguments and misunderstandings if you are not clear about what the rules and the goal of your game should be.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): I am writing to repeat what I said about supporting you. It would have been nice if you'd acknowledged that at least one person out there was trying to support and not judge you! But I want to state again what I said about builders. The vast majority ARE big babies. If his parents are doing everything for him and you are paying for everything then he will expect you to over-mother him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2014): Well I certainly didn't expect that amount of judgement!Maybe I didn't word it very well. My daughter is 6, I bought my first house at 18 and worked hard over the years to provide for myself, and my daughter when she came along. So no, it's not a case of me dropping her here and there, it's a case of me doing things with her. If my daughter was 18 would I really need my parents help as much as I stated? Also some of you have referred to her friends and their parents as 'seeing my friends' which isn't correct at all. Granted some of her friends parents I am friends with. Also yes I am a lawyer, just because I stated legal sector doesn't mean anything!When I got with my partner he knew that my job is my life and yes, I am what's commonly known as a workaholic! I've said that come the end of this year, when I have two big cases coming to an end, I will be ready to lighten my work load and possibly have him move in. He knew the situation when we got together.So do you really think that when I'm at work, possibly in court doing my job and my partner knows this, that it's acceptable for him to call me several times in a row asking me to take him some lunch (during the lunch break I rarely have) or to tell me about something funny he's seen on man v food, then get in a seriously bad mood when I can't answer. Or when I've spoken to him immediately after leaving work and hes asked how my days gone and I've responded saying what a busy day it's been and how I'm going to have to work on something at home for a few hours, then less than 10 minutes later he's at my door saying he was at home bored and doesn't see why I work so much. On the one or two nights a week and probably 2 or 3 Saturdays or whole weekends a month I see him, he has my undivided attention. He constantly makes me feel guilty about my job yet wherever we go (and he enjoys going to restaurants, on holiday etc) it's always me paying as he can't afford to.We've been brought up entirely differently, at nearly 40 he still lives with his parents who do absolutely everything for him. We are positively chalk and cheese, but that doesn't bother me with the vast majority of things. However when it comes to work and being self sufficient, it does bother me. He likes my lifestyle but doesn't want to contribute to it, he's already said if we lived together he'd only be prepared to contribute £200 a month as that's the amount of rent he pays his parents.As I said, even that doesn't particularly bother me, the holding grudges and making me feel guilty for not answering his constant calls and not being in the best of moods when he turns up 10 minutes after I've said I can't see him that evening does bother me.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 This question is in danger of "double standard" syndrome.
If a guy ignored a girl to go running around with his friends, off by himself a lot, most weekends taken up by his kid (but mostly his buddies because honestly, how much time is taken up by dropping a daughter off at her friends' house?), not to mention working late and only giving one evening a week, maybe, to a girl he's been with for 18 months??
You know what we'd say, right? We'd tell the guy to stop using her as a booty call. But because the "single mom" moniker is being flashed about, we jump to call the guy needy and laud her for being "very independent". No, I think she's mistreating the guy just as much as I think a guy treating a girl like that is mistreating her. It's pretty amazing that the guy who obviously cares about her has let this sort of treatment go on for 18 months.
My point earlier is that the daughter is much older than a time-consuming baby or toddler or small girl. After a certain age, the kids get more and more independent in themselves and after the teenage threshold, unless these children are special needs, which the OP didn't state, they start getting their own lives and their own friends.
I don't think this guy is needy, and any suggestion that he is is unfair. I think he wants to be in her life like most people are in the lives of relationships at the 18 month mark.
Guys talk like this about girls who want more than FWB too - if she starts talking about feelings and wanting more than a booty call, she's accused of being needy, or clingy, or psycho stalker (extreme cases).
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 February 2014):
 An now for something completely different.
I'm not going to estimate your age or make generalizations about legals or builders. I going to cut through everything and go right to the core of the question which I see now was very well phrased in the title.
So you are independent (read dominant)and you are frustrated that you seem to be attracting needy (read submissive) men. To put it bluntly, what do you expect? O K I really do understand that most women, even strong independent and dominant women prefer strong self sufficient men. The trouble is that submissive, needy people need a strong person.
Your problem is that you thought you chose a strong man but he turned out to be more needy than you thought he would be. There are two kinds of men who like strong independent and even dominant women. 1 submissive men who need someone to tell them what to do. and 2 strong men who are looking for a partner who can keep up with them.
Now that we have answered that question. I want to say that very much of what has been written so far has merit to your situation. You should at least read it all and think about the good advice you have been given.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I used to work as a project manager overseeing teams of builders and I've done up several of my homes, sometimes calling on builders to do the major works. What I learned in that time is that the majority - not all - of builders are incredibly, I mean INCREDIBLY needy emotionally. People can disagree as much as they like but, beyond the muscly - or in many cases not even that - stereotype of a strong man, ready to spring into action to help at any time, is a particular kind of man who will literally run you into the grounds with emotional neediness. I made the mistake of NOT being a dominant, hard boss and eventually began to suffer from stress, due to their incessant demands - anything from 'phone calls telling me that their drill had broken and what should they do, to endless complaints about how depressed they were, wife doesn't understand them, everything and anything. When I could actually get them to do some work most of them were actually very good at their jobs - but they would easily knock off early, or try to do a crap job if I let them get away with it. Now that I have dealt with hundreds of them, I know how to spot a needy builder a mile away and how to deal with it. SO, on that count, I can completely get where you are coming from - bored builder with nothing to do will drive you insane in no time.On the other hand, I have also been a hard working single parent and I know exactly how much you crave time with your daughter. I bought my own home at a young age and had my daughter very young. Unlike you I had no parents to help and no family - her father never helped in any way and never has. I LOVED spending time with her. I can completely understand how, even if it feels very unnatural to you, you become very careful with your time - ironically, it's the only way to carve out any spontaneous time at all - schedule everything and you can have a day or so left over to do whatever, I get that completely.So, I don't blame you at all, unlike some of the respondents here.However...I'm now a few years older than you and my daughter's grown up and living away. We still get on really, really well. But I'm left realising that I made the wrong choice of partner who I stayed with for 20 years, but who was never actually invested in the relationship. He couldn't be - not because I couldn't have made more time for him - actually he did get loads and loads of my time and ruined loads of mine in return - but because he simply was COMPLETELY the wrong man for me. I refused point blank to see this all the time I was with him, believing I loved him and also that no-one else would want me.So what I am suggesting is consider this: often, not always but often, women who become single parents at a young age can be amazing and intelligent women but can also be very, very naive about men and relationships. Not all single parents are like this, but a lot genuinely are and this is NOT understood by most societies. The men who up and leave get away scot free, the woman remains judged on so many different levels. If you've been working hard and devoting lots of time to your daughter and sometimes having partners long or short term then chances are you maybe were naive about relationships and still could be - rather than coldly compartmentalising a partner, you could literally not 'get' what a real, loving and invested partner is and what this feels like. To give you an idea of what I mean - imagine if the gender roles were changed in your situation and you were the hard working man with a kid and a female partner who only worked part of the year and then kept phoning you all the time and turning up unannounced at your office, insisting that you spend less time with your kid and more with her. Imagine you wrote into this site asking for help about what to do. Do you think for one minute that, as a man, you'd receive the same kind of judgement here? Probably you'd receive sympathy for being too nice to the woman involved and too naive about not putting her in her place and too naive about not choosing the right partner for your lifestyle. Women so very often are judged for not being more accommodating.I think you need to wise up a bit and see that you need a man who understands your lifestyle and has a working pattern that fits with yours. There are plenty of men out there who will understand this, some of them single parents themselves. Once you are working in sync with someone, you will naturally find ways to carve out more time to be together - but also the time pressure just won't feel so great because your lifestyles will compliment one another more. In a way, I do agree with some of the other respondents about this, but I'm coming at it with every sympathy for your side of things, I'm not judging you and I think you should feel very, very proud of what you've done. But please take me seriously, wise up about the relationship side of it all or you'll end up left alone and wondering where to start. That's what I'm doing and I wish I'd done so years and years before.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2014):
Wait a second here! If you bought your own house at age 18 to take care of your daughter after her father left, isn't your daughter now 18 years old if you're 36?? Your daughter's either senior high age or college age now, so we're not dealing with the young single mother of a small daughter that NEEDS a lot of time. Kids get increasingly independent as they grow older, so the whole zoo, playtime, cinema, etc. that's from years ago, isn't it??
There's a difference between independent and selfish. Your daughter isn't little, and I read closely when you said plans with yourself, other kids' moms (no, that's your friends), or your daughter (again, at the age you're talking about, she's getting older so we're not talking about small child here).
It sounds like you have a bunch of emotional baggage left over from this guy who left you, and that you're punishing this new one by making his wishes irrelevant in your life. You're with him because it's convenient, and you don't really love him.
I also read you saying you're in the "legal sector", which means I'm highly surprised if you're a lawyer, because usually a lawyer says "lawyer". You could be anything from paralegal to court secretary to reporter to anything.
I think your guy's acting out at 18 months because you have been abusing him emotionally for the pain you were inflicted by past guys. No person truly and deeply in love doesn't make room in their lives for someone else. The fact that you not only resist making an ounce of room, and in fact punish him for wanting a little bit of room in your life means you don't really have any feelings for him.
You would be better off breaking it off with him. He deserves someone who is honestly in love with him. If you were having another baby, your life would re-situate until his or her being in it would be a welcome addition. It's the same with the love of your life. I'm not talking about living together, but I'm talking about resituating a life to welcome the love of your life. You have not only not done that, but you have punished him for wanting to.
I don't advocate showing up unannounced, but when I was dating, my boyfriend did that once in awhile where he'd show up at my work when I was ending a shift or he'd be at my house when I came home, and my first reaction would be to kiss his face off because I was happy to see him, or to hug him if he wanted to see me after a stressful day. Of course, by the 18-month mark, we were engaged.
Independent and selfish are two different things. Independent means financially self-sufficient. Selfish means you come first and everyone else gets the scraps. Which one are you? Your daughter's getting way too old to be used as an excuse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I don't think its a matter of genders. And I don't think its about him being needy. He wants to be with you because he may be...loves you?
I was on another side with my boyfriend. He was a very busy man, constantly running from one meeting to another. I found myself in a situation that if I want to see him, I have to reschedule everything I planned, because otherwise he is unavailable. it was always on his terms: phonecalls, dates, me staying over.
This relationship didn't last long. may be I was being needy too, but I was not going to put up with someone who put me on a certain shelf, and took me from there when he wanted.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Wow! I've never heard a woman complaining of getting too much attention from a man...quite the opposite...Do you know how many women would love to get that kind of attention? Ok so the turning up uninvited may be daunting to you, but maybe it's his way of saying, "Hey, we've been seeing each other for two years, let's forego formalities about invitations, etc. I'm your man. I want to live with you. I want to be with you."
I think the two of you want different things. You seem to compartmentalize your life and each person or activity fits into a particular space / schedule. Maybe you're not ready for what he wants, which is a committed relationship where your lives intertwine. You are obviously not ready to intertwine your life with his. I don't think it's a question about your independence. I think you are not ready to be in a fully committed relationship. Perhaps your ideal match would be a man who is a workaholic like you and prefers a scheduled life like you do.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (28 February 2014):
 You have been in a relationship with this man for almost 2 years and if you are not willing to make a little room on your end for him then I think that it might be time to call it a day.
I can understand that you are independent but being in a relationship shouldn't be all one sided and you shouldn't get to call ALL the shots and have him come and go as YOU please - he should get some say as he will have feelings and needs, too and like I said, it has been 18 months and that is treading into a zone where you would maybe be thinking of moving this forward.
If you are not ready for a bigger commitment, and if he wont compromise with you then perhaps he isn't the right person for you and you should cut your losses before it becomes to late and hurts him more. Life is too short.
I wouldn't see any problem with you organizing time with your daughter or with work etc, but there does have to be some give and take on when you see one another, he isn't a call boy or a bone you can play with and bury when you feel like it and so if you want all the control in the relationship, you should probably look for another man who is more on your wavelength and can work with you on the same page.
Good luck
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