A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm too scared of what will happen after I leave my husband that I can't bring myself to do it. I got married at 21, and he was almost 24. We had been together for two years when we got married and had lived together for a year and a half. I thought at the time it was what I wanted, but now I know I was too young to make that choice. At 18 I had suffered a nervous breakdown and ended up in hospital and I think that's why I choose to get married so young. It felt like I was getting rid of all the bad stuff, and everyone seemed so happy for us.Now we fight all the time, and our sex life is pretty much non existent. I do fancy him, I just can't bring myself to sleep with him. I just have no interest in sex at all.His mum is constantly mentioning kids, which we have tried for but recently I have had no interest. I'm scared that if I leave, it will be a massive mistake and I will regret it. I'm also scared of the financial costs of everything and what people will say.We just fight and it happens so much its seems we fight more then anything else. His family are so nosey that we argue a lot about them. He always sticks up for him and ignores my complaints.I cry myself to sleep when we fight because I honestly can't take it anymore. I do love him, but not in the way I just too. I don't know what to do anymore.
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (28 February 2014):
Dear OP,
You cry a lot and you lack sex drive - is it possible that you're clinically depressed? If so, I'd suggest you come back to strength, health and a sound mind before you make such a big decision like ending your marriage.
It's not that I'm against it, seeing you're really unhappy, but maybe there are less radical steps you could take which you can't see right now, because you're too tired and in too much pain. For instance, trying to get marriage counselling and seeing if you can solve your conflicts in more constructive ways than now.
My advice for you as some first steps:
1) Get counseling and prevent another nervous breakdown, do as much as you can for your health
2) If you can, spend some days away from your husband so you can think freely and recover from this situation
3) Have an honest talk with your husband. Tell him how unhappy you are and that you can't go on like this. Don't try to win an argument, just show him that you suffer and how this marriage affects you.
4) Remember why you married your husband in the first place. Did you love him back then? If yes, why did that feeling fade or what drove you both apart? Is there anything that could bring you back together, as a couple?
5) If you want to break up, think of all the people that could support you and see that they help you through this time.
Wish you strength to recover and do what's best for you!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): I think the others are being a little harsh about your mental health, and actually a bit invasive - presuming to know things that you haven't included - but only you can know if they are right or not. To me you sound very reasoned about this and you understand what's gone wrong, but are just scared - well of course you will be, you're young and it seems you've had a difficult start in life and don't really know much else. All of that is understandable. What's commendable and takes some guts is to admit that you're not happy and want out - some people can't even do this, so you have some confidence in place already and it can be built on but will take time and doing things step by step.I married for similar reasons to you - I didn't have a breakdown but my family life was horrible and abusive. I blamed myself. Sometimes you don't realise you've been abused until years later when you understand none of it was normal at all. I think maybe counselling would be a good idea, to help you to understand a bit more about why you say you had a nervous breakdown. Actually, that term is very vague and differs in each case, so I'm not sure exactly what happened in your case and if this is what is frightening you ie. the possibility that "it" could happen again?Are you able to list what you are afraid of? If they are specific fears then you can find ways to tackle each fear by getting the appropriate help. If it's just a very general fear then that too is understandable - and it will diminish the more that you make steps into your future and your confidence grows. When I left my husband I was absolutely terrified and I could only sum that terror up as 'being alone'. But six months to a year down the line and I had sorted out a home for myself and the feeling of having my own place was SO nice. I felt proud and my confidence grew. I was only slightly older than you, with no family to turn to and few friends at all. But once you make that initial step it honestly does get easier. Your own routine, your own money - even if it's only welfare to begin with it is under YOUR control - and your own say in how you live...scary, but then really good later on. Honestly there are countless people out there who are so harsh when women have a hard time emotionally/psychologically. Some of them mix in this judgement with 'helping' or caring, so it can get confusing. But there are kind, generous and caring people out there too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): We only have your side, so I'll try to be impartial for you. I'm not an expert, but it really seems your going through some sort of depression or perhaps even another breakdown. You admit you do fancy your husband, crying yourself to sleep after arguments makes me think you wouldn't cry if you didn't care. But I also think that tears flowing instead of having a level head to solve the argument is an indication of your current fragile state.There is absolutely no shame or embarrassment in having any mental health issue. It is sadly very common for lots of people, to be living daily struggling with day to day life. You do not need to be trying for a child because family ask, someone with full strength would be able to tell the family this and politely suggest they leave you to enjoy being a couple before rushing children. You seem to have a heightened sensitivity that means their comments are negatively affecting you, again this is natural and I ask anyone to truthfully say they have never experienced this themselves. I can empathise with you, for entirely different reasons but I've certainly had similar feelings of negativity and uncertainty.Please go and see your doctor, and see if there is some counselling available to avoid reaching the stage of another breakdown. If you recognise the signs early enough you can help yourself get better. It would be a good opportunity if your doctor could help you explain to your husband what you're going through and how he can also help you through this hard time. I think marrying him, you hoped all your previous issues would disappear because you could start a new life with him. Perhaps now you just need to work through whatever they are and overcome them, instead of hiding from them. Your lack of sex drive is quite typical when someone has depression, please see your doctor and look after yourself x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Go online and look up pro bono legal services. You may want to find a women's support group for counseling, mentoring, and services to help you get on your feet.
You came to us, and could have just as easily gone online to seek legal and professional mental-health services that could do you more good.
If you've convinced yourself you need that man, and all the other excuses you've come up with. It is difficult to believe you will even listen to anyone's advice. You are your own prisoner. No one but you can save you. You apparently isolated yourself from your own family. Where are they, why don't they help you?
As soon as you read this, go online and look for pro bono legal services, and call them immediately.
Seek a local women's shelter and support-group. They will refer you to counseling and other resources at no-cost.
You'll need to find work, and learn to support yourself. Seek temporary social services until that is possible.
If you've relied on this man for your very existence; it isn't love you have. It's dependency. Fear there will be no one to financially support you and care for you.
Well, it is time you learn to live on your own. Now come the regrets of teen-rebellion and having a hard-head. Back when your family tried to tame you, as a young girl heading in the wrong direction. Details left out of your post.
You've got a long way to go. So waste no time seeking help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): OP you're a person with a history of mental illness which pretty much makes your situation beyond what we can help you with here. It sounds like that has a huge part of what is going on here and it's something you need to get professional advice on and frankly it sounds like you need proper treatment too.
In normal circumstances I'd say you don't get on, that it's best to get marriage counselling rather than be in a relationship where there is so much fighting.
But from what you're saying it seems it all stems from you and you're inability to cope, and frankly given your history it sounds like it's life in general you can't cope with, not just this marriage.
You have no interest in sex with a guy you admit you fancy, you cry yourself to sleep, you argue about your in laws being nosey and the fact your husband dismisses it tells me they may not be as bad as you feel they are. The fact that you feel deep down that ending this marriage would be a huge mistake and a regret tells me that you know the problem isn't the marriage itself.
The cold hard truth here though, OP, is you are heading for another breakdown, you've gone through it before you surely recognise the signs and know where this is going.
Your reasons for getting into this weren't great, you know that. You basically jumped on the first thing that seemed to take all your problems away but it should be dawning on you now OP that nothing but fixing your own brain will ever sort out those problems for you and it's time you got some professional help.
As soon as you can find some help. Counselling, contact your local mental health charities or maybe go back to those who helped you through your breakdown. Do that first, decide with them whether you're better off going alone to deal with this or whether you can do it from inside the marriage.
OP in case you think I'm wide of the mark, then understand your behaviour is abnormal enough to warrant getting your head checked and especially with your history of an inability to cope emotionally that is so profound you needed to be hospitalised. Even if you're certain I'm wrong, do not gamble with your mental health.
Best of luck, OP. Something has to change here and you should not try to do it alone.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Have you tried to talk to him about how you feel? The first step to getting the relationship back on track is to have a good heart to heart and put it all out there - without placing blame, and trying to work on it because he might not realize how much he is pushing you away or how you are currently feeling.
If you can't talk to him then consider a letter and put it all down so that you can read it over and then let him see how things are. Maybe don't mention divorce or anything,just see if he wants to make things a little better.
If things are not going to get better or if you just don't want to work onit then getting out before you are severely disgruntled by it is important for your sanity, and his. There is nothing wrong with making a clean break if it is what is best and you will always be able to find support and financial help when you really need it.
Good luck!
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