A
female
age
36-40,
*hot
writes:Hello, friends, aunts, uncles etcI have a question again.... I am pregnant thanks to the advice I got I'm keeping my baby God will provide something for us. My question is do these men who abandon they children really move on or they do sit down and guilt stricken. Do they have a conscience at all. What makes them deny ? The fact that they don't love you or is it being afraid of responsibility ? I don't get how a man can put his penis in you and then when there is pregnancy he runs and claims its not his. If you were that much of a bitch as he claims why does he keep coming back and doesn't use protecrion when you ask him? So the statement they use about you sleeping around would jus be an excuse usually right? I have had a weakness for Nigerian man. The 1st one made me abort and the 2nd one ran denying the baby. Is it me or Nigerian men? This is really affecting me. I feel they have damaged for the abortion then a fatherless child. Is it ok for me hate them? it makes me feel better to hate them. Am I damaged now? will I ever trust men again?
View related questions:
abortion, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (12 May 2013):
 Thank for your very informative followup.
Work on your own self esteem. And on how to be assertive. This will build strength within you, to help you become a strong role model for your child. And an assertive woman respects herself.
It will mean that you will be more able to spot (from a distance) a phony versus a really good guy.
Remember that a guy with nice set of abs and a cute engaging smile and sweet words does not guarantee that he'll magically become a reliable partner and reliable step-father material.
I am happy that you liked my guide to a reliable man. They really do exist out there.
A
female
reader, khot +, writes (12 May 2013):
khot is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyo very much guys for the advice, you people really care I jus thot tht deep dwn I'm nvr gona love and loved because I will now b w a fatherless child, but as u sd in time I will heal but for now e truth is I'm really broken. Abella thankyou so much for taking yo time to write this..and indeed you are right I should have seen the signs he was direspectful too nice to b true but then again it took a couple of weeks before he touched me and I fell pregnant on our first night, I had asked him to use protection but he nvr stopped n I complained the whole tym till he got pissed n suddenly stopped so I really hd thot he ddnt come the 2nd tym I had told him I need a condom and he had respected that and put it. Before the sex he used to call send etym buy me lunch and drinks and sometimes I would go to his plc n stay for a couple of hours then leav he hadn't seemed in a hurry for sex but like u sd Abella too good to be true, it was only his rudeness if he ddnt get his way that I should have noted and count him out
I was decieved and now I'm facing the music I hope one day I can be able to warn small galz too. Nway all your answers guys were supportive and educational I have learnt a thing or two and I'm really comforted thankyoy
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): "I don't get how a man can put his penis in you and then when there is pregnancy he runs and claims its not his."Very simple. As a guy, at all times I am completely secure in the knowledge that a woman can't put her vagina on me and if there is a pregnancy then run and claim it's not hers. In other words, biology allows a male to walk away from an unwanted pregnancy with no physical consequences whatsoever should he so choose, a fact of life that too many amoral, narcissistic men use to take advantage of naïve, gullible, lonely and/or desperate women. That is why the burden of acting responsibly, making smart decisions and taking control of one's fertility falls inequitably on the female. You have chosen to accept lifetime responsibility for a life other than your own who will be completely dependent on you for its very survival. You can't sit back and expect God to provide for you. He will watch over you and your baby, but He expects you to do ALL the heavy lifting. Having a baby is an unending grind of relentless hard work and thankless drudgery, a challenge that even emotionally mature and financially stable couples who planned having children find daunting as first-time parents. You can't imagine how difficult and stressful and exhausting it is going to be attempting to raise a child on your own given your apparently limited resources and lack of preparedness. You have a lot of growing up to do and you need to do it fast.Abella has given you very sound advice. Take it to heart, and make the effort to truly understand what she is saying.
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (11 May 2013):
I agree with Abella that you aren’t damaged, and she’s quite right (as always) to point out that there is good and bad, trustworthy and those who can’t be trusted, among men and women. She’s also described at great length signs of the ones you should avoid, which you should keep in mind.
IF they do not have any reason to deny paternity, they are selfish and failing to take responsibility for their actions. Maybe they want to believe rumours or gut instincts that they may not be the father because of your sexual history, because otherwise they’d have to face up to the responsibilities you have when you create a life. Some others don’t deny paternity but walk away, abandoning their offspring and the women they got pregnant. They are the father, but it doesn’t mean anything to them. These types may well not care or feel any guilt about it.
If you want to find a good man, don’t make it possible for those who just want to use you to have their way. Make them date you, get to know you, give you the chance to find out about them, become part of each other’s lives and build and share a friendship together before you have sex. If he’s no good he’ll have drifted to some-one else by then. Don’t close down and not allow a good man to fight for you and earn your respect and trust.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 May 2013):
Hate and lack of trust will create a roadblock for you. It will show in your face and your actions. It will age you and furrow your brow with lines.
Better to work on healing and learning to attract healthier relationships in the future.
You are not damaged. Instead this is a Golden Opportunity to Grow and become the woman you need to be for a better future and a better relationship too.
Certainly there are men you cannot or should not trust. Just as there are women who a man cannot or should not trust. But these types are easy to spot.
They say what you want to hear. They seem too good to be true. Yet they can be evasive. Or secretive. They can get too indignant too quickly. or make a mountain out of a molehill if you ask them a reasonable question.
Or worse they may even say some nasty things to you when they cannot get their own way. or they can't keep a regular job. or they've had a string of romances that never last. or they tell you all their previous relationships ended because of what their previous partner did. (it is never them).
And YES they are really too good to be true. They are Players.
Such people have no problem telling lies. Telling lies comes to them naturally.
Being selfish and getting their own way always is what matter to them.
So denying that they are the father is easy for them. They don't give it another thought. Yes they are deadbeat Dads. No child needs a father like that.
Though every child has a right to expect a Good father in their lives.
That's why we girls need to choose the father of our children very carefully.
Yes we need to love and respect and adore him.
But we also expect some stability. And he has a right to expect similar from us. How else will our children be nurtured and cared for if we are selfish or unkind?
We expect him to be honorable and reliable and respected by those who know him. For surely a child is entitled to such a Dad?
The nationality of the man that is NOT the problem.
There are good men amongst men of every nationality.
It is the type of man you are accepting as acceptable to you at the moment.
And there are uncaring men amongst the men in every nationality.
Develop a healthy set of values. It is the woman who sets the pace of the relationship. It is the woman who can say NO and mean it, until she is ready for an intimate relationship.
If a man will not accept a NO, until you are ready for intimacy, then he is not worthy of you.
It is the woman who can insist on "No condom then NO sex". Discuss it before you even consider sex. He should supply the condoms. If he has not thought of that then he's not genuine.
Before a relationship has hardly even begun then condomes remain very important. Very early in a relationship neither person can be certain of exclusivity. People have secrets. Though sex too early can backfire on a woman - the man can think the woman is so easy that she holds no challenge for him. A man likes to feel he had to work hard to gain a woman's acceptance. If the sex is delivered too easily then his interest in the woman wanes more quickly. He loses interest.
Later on when you are certain you are both exclusive you may be able to relax the need for condoms.
But if you want planned children then contraception will also remain important.
At the outset a man needs to show his willingness to accept the need for condoms. Even prostitutes will insist on this,if they are smart. In these days of AIDS and HIV and other sexually acquired diseases you are vulnerable if he refuses to use a condom. It is selfish.
If you have not known a man for very long you cannot guarantee that he is, or will be, exclusive with you. Nor can you guarantee than his partners in the preceding 12 months were not free of any STD.
If a man is threatening to drop you if he has not been given access to your body for sex after one week, one month,or whatever time you deem as acceptable,then he is not worthy of you.
A healthy and potentially enduring relationship does not start with sex. It starts with respect and friendship. If he's offering sex first, with the potential promise of respect and friendship later then he's not worth the bother.
If he does not introduce you to his family and his friends then what do you have with him? His family and his friends are his life. If you are not part of his life then why have sex with him?
If he's secretive about parts of his life and only likes to see you for sex but then goes off to do many other things that he does not discuss with you then why have sex with him?
if he turns up late at night then he's after sex, not a relationship.
When a man does this he is treating you as an unpaid sex worker.
He wants sex but he's even too cheap to pay a prostitute so he finds an accepting woman to give him what he wants for free. That's NOT a relationship. That's being mis-used by a disrespectful man who is not worthy of you.
If he expects you to give him gifts and expects you to spoil him, but he rarely reciprocates in the same way then why have a one way relationship? You are worthy of more caring attention than that.
If he is absent for long unexplainable absences (seeing another woman?) then why bother to waste your time with him.
If he does not take you on regular dates on a regular basis then you are just a booty call. A man who is proud of his partner wants to share his happiness by being seen in public with the lady he really likes.
If he only wants to visit your home, enjoy your bed and a little comfort and then leave once he's been satisfied, then that's not a relationship, it's using you for sex.
Once his interest is waning then you will see the signs. But by that time it's too late. Emotionally he has already started to leave the relationship. For instance if he's off-hand and dismissive towards you when he's irritated, then he's not as enamoured with you as you hope.
A man in love wants to be with his beloved. He loves being with his beloved.
He does not put up excuses that are flimsy, to try to explain why he can't be available, for you.
If he does not demonstrate that he has concrete plans for the future with you clearly part of those plans, then be concerned. If this is the case you are just a side dish.
Don't fall in love with the man you think he CAN become. Because that's just rose colored glasses and an illusion in your head.
Look at the man he is RIGHT NOW.
Then decide if the foundations are strong enough and the supports in his life are on the right path to reach his goals.
Look at a man's character and find out more about his values and his attitudes to many things. Can he hold a job? Can he save some money regularly? Does he behave respectfully towards anyone he deals with, not just a pretty girl he is trying interest.
That way you can weed out the losers,long before you allow things to develop into something more.
If he always speaks to you respectfully then that's a good start.
Use this as your opportunity to re-format your approach to dating men. Try not to be so accomodating and co-operative with a new man. Step back. Don't be in a rush.
Observe, listen and don't treat it as imperative that you interest him,as soon as possible after you meet.
It's OK to take your time. Just over half the population is male. That leaves several billion men out there who might like to date you and who you too might like to date.
I hope all goes well with your pregnancy.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 May 2013): Not all men are like that! I don't even slerp wirh women that I am not dating and half of my buddies are also that way! f find a man who is really a man and wants to date. look at guys who are un volunteer community service instead of bars and clubs.
...............................
A
female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (11 May 2013):
Wishing you and your forecoming babe every happiness for the future.In reply to your question it would depend very much on the man as we all hae different ideas of what is right and wrong behaviour.There is no point long term to hate men as that would make you bitter.You are hurt,angry and feel alone right now but that will pass in time and yes you will heal.Right now you hae to focus on making plans for you and your baby and keeping healthy and that will keep you going for a long time.Be gentle with youself and yes in Time you will trust men again.Kind Wishes .Nora B.
...............................
|
