A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and over the last year or so things have been becoming very strained. Our sex life is non-existant - due to an unwanted pregnancy which we chose not to go ahead with and since then I have become petrified about becoming pregnant which eventually has put me off sex. I began to question and analyse every part of our relationship which results in arguing. Although I know that I still want this guy, life with him just isn't moving on... We have been looking to buy a property together which hasn't been easy and so we're not really moving on. We are still renting and the relationship just feels completely flat. About a month ago my boyfriend was away visiting his family and so I had a night out with a girlfriend. We went for dinner and drinks and ended up in this lively bar where I met this other guy... I ended up having a really good chat with him and he walked me home... We didn't exchange numbers and that was that. A week after I was out in a pub with my boyfriend and this other guy walked in... He was very discreet and just said hello. Shortly after he followed me to the ladie's toilets where he told me that he really liked me and that he felt that we had something there... he said I was unhappy and that it wasn't right to be like that. He asked for me number and I gave it to him. We were texting from then on and we both felt something... We eventually met up for drinks and had a nice time and from then on we enjoyed each others company and met up a few times a week. Perhaps the excitement for me was a big thing...? This has been going on for about 6 weeks - then he started distancing himself, his texting became a bit less at times although he said that he didn't want to get me in to trouble. I decided to delete his number but then he text me a few days later and it was all fine again. He kept saying that I was using him as a bit on the side - although he never asked me to make a decision. He kept saying that I was mugging him off and that he would like to take me away from it all. This weekend was difficult, he spent most of it with his daughter (from a previous relationship) and we spoke briefly on the Sunday when he was having a drink with friends. I then sent him a message later on in the evening telling him it was him that I wanted to be with and he text me back shortly after asking me to meet him which was impossible as it was so late on a Sunday night. My live-in boyfriend also saw one of these messages which I managed to pass off as a work colleague. I later texted the other guy to go home and said I would speak to him the next day. The next day I said that my boyfriend had seen a text and that things weren't looking good at home and that I hoped he was okay. Since I sent this message he hasn't been in touch, I've tried calling him 3 times and sent him a couple of messages and now I don't know what to do. I want to try and forget about him but there was something there and I feel so bad on my current boyfriend. I feel like I have completely humiliated him and how deceiteful I have behaved is tearing me apart. Do I try to make my relationship work? I can't stop thinking about this other guy but is that because of the thrill of it that I enjoyed it all so much. Deep down do I know that this other guy just caught me at a low point? It didn't feel like that but you know what men can be like...
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 It doesn't sound like that's what men are like, it sounds like that's what you are like. You completely violated your relationship. There is absolutely no excuse to have a relationship with someone, while currently in one. It is proper to end a relationship before you even so much as kiss another guy. Great you enjoyed the thrill, and guys like him, of course he's not in contact, you basically told him "we may have been caught". He likes the piece on the side, as long as he doesn't get caught by the boyfriends. He doesn't want beat up by being with someone's girlfriend.
Here is the deal, working on it or not, your boyfriend deserves to know what you have done. You violated the relationship so technically you have no right to your relationship with your boyfriend unless he decides to forgive and give you a change to work everything out. By that is his choice. You made your choice, and it's only fair he's allowed to make his based on how he feels. You now need to give him that change, easy or not, it's the right thing to do.
It sounds as if this other one may have been telling you what you wnat to hear, not what his real intentions with you are.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): Well an unwanted pregnancy probably didnt help the situation but you stuck together, that must mean alot in itself! But youre behavior going off meeting and texting another guy is disguisting, im sorry to be rude but there is no excuse for youre actions. Put yourself in your boyfriends shoes imagine what he must be thinking! you stuck together for three years and this happens. I dont know if you have been cheated on but i have and i tell you it is the worst pain in the world, my partner might aswell have took my heart out of my chest and stamped on it a million times. This other guy sounds reasonably decent for a guy, seeing as he is keeping his distance and not wanting to get you in trouble but thats probably cause he wants a relationship and wants him to be the only one where as you are seeing it as fun! stop this now, you are being selfish, i dont mean to sound harsh but you need to hear it becuase what comes around goes around and you will regret all this when youre boyfriend leaves you and it all sinks in. Go away for a few days and see what you want, if you want this other guy then tell youre boyfriend its over and you want to go youre seperate ways, dont humiliate him even more, if not stop texting this other guy, change youre number and work on youre relationship. If you dont sort this now it will all end up in tears with you being the bad one, not only left with hurt but guilt aswell. Good luck
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