A
male
age
51-59,
*C3236S
writes:Out of the blue, I am having issues with my wife's past. What now...?I have been married 13 years, three kids. Back when dating my wife and I went over pretty detailed things about our sexual past. Names, places, how it took place and so on. I chalked this curiousity up to more immaturity than anything else.Now I find out that one of her past sexual romps kids now go to my kids school, his kids play football with my kids, he is at every practice, every game, etc. This must have triggered something in me, as now I am drudging up all kinds of my memories of the things she told me. Unfortunately with visional images being involved I am really beating myself up with this. It makes me sick to think about it and has changed the way I look at her somewhat. I know this is sad, but I not sure what to do to change this. All of her sexual past (6 partners) were never based on a relationship but rather a drunken night after a party, or while on vacation with her girlfriends (met a Marine in Hawaii). She told me he was very rough with her and was borderline rape sometimes...however she still continued to see him. This has always bothered me...just the thoughts of it. As a guy uncommitted sex is very exciting sex, however she tells me it was meaningless and she always felt immoral afterwards. To this day she remembers very, very little as over the years she blocked everything out. She tells me that she had sex with these guys to get them to focus soley on her during the act. She just wanted someone to love her...and goes on to tell me that I was the first to love her before I asked for sex. This is why she fell in love with me. Then once we had sex it was incredible as I was always concerned about how she felt and not just hopping on board to cum. I am a successful business man, I am confident in bed, I have no doubt my marriage is solid, so why is this all weighing on me so much? Is it that I am approaching 40, and the guys she was with in the past were all 17-20? I don't know. I personally was with over 100 women before we met. My past does not bother her she says which is good. Why does it bother guys so much? I am also a Christian so I feel really bad that I can not just put these thoughts away. I pray for this to happen daily. Sorry for the long post.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Look I'm sorry, but you just don't have any right to care anymore when you've already had 100+ women in the past yourself.
I've personally had a VERY small number of women and I'm over 30. It's not that I can't get more. It's because my partners' pasts are already extremely bothersome to me, and I do not want to be a hypocrite about the issue so I would prefer to keep my own number low. If I'm gonna be judgemental about others' extensive sexual histories then I have to put my money where my mouth is in my own life.
You say you've changed but I really don't care. Repentance is crap. NOT DOING WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE is worthy. Your wife probably wants forgiveness for the past, and look how well that's working out for your hurt feelings. You want forgiveness from God or whatever for caring so much, and look how well that's working out.
It's harsh, but somebody needs to say it once in a while. Listening to a guy with a 100-person list complain about issues with his wife's very short list just put me over the edge today. This culture is all about forgiving everybody's sexual pasts but never about demanding any responsibility from people at the time the actual seeds of dispair are being sown. That goes for your wife previously screwing other guys for affection as well as for your extensive past partner list.
I know I'm being pretty self-rightous right now, but there are guys like me out there who actually have a right to be. You give us all a bad name. I constantly run across women who've had a ton of you guys in the past. Many of these women are still screwing a lot because they just assume there aren't any guys like me still out there so there's no point in even trying to hold their own numbers down anymore. (Constantly meeting these women makes my own position feel pretty damn thankless, I've gotta tell ya.)
I'd love to have had the fun of screwing 100 people too, but I severely sacrificed for this position of moral superiority and I've earned it.
A
male
reader, Sirion  +, writes (29 October 2007):
KC3236S, thanks for the reply. It has given me plenty of food for thought. I guess my problem isn't so much the fact that my wife is more experienced than me, but is more to do with cursing missed opportunities, and hating the shy adolescent of yesteryear who spurned them for fear of rejection. I'm supposedly in a fairly exclusive club; in a recent survey 2% of people aged 18-45 or thereabouts said they had only had sex with one person. This, and the reactions of friends only further reinforces the thought that I'm a freak.
I've never considered the possibly that I might have OCD, but the thought patterns you mention certainly sound familiar. I'm taking St John's Wort every day now. Its a mild, herbal remedy that takes the edge of the desparation.
again, thanks for the reply
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (26 October 2007):
KC3236S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSirion,I have been in counseling now for a few weeks. I started with a marriage and family therapist. She referred me to a shrink. I am now on zoloft 100mg and been diagnosed with OCD (not so much the cumplusive side, but more the obsessive side). Anytime you have reoccuring thoughts relating to past events this is a form of OCD. I also came to realize that much of my problem is based around insercurities that I have created in my own mind. OCD is just that, feelings of self doubt. It was also pointed out to me that due to my high intelligence level (IQ tests, grades, etc.) that OCD can be even worse. In an OCD mind I create my own scenarios, usually worse case ones, then when I hear an answer that is not what my "intelligent" mind came up with I automatically dismiss it as false. For example: I know I am well endowed, and very good in bed, and my wife tells me this all the time (as did previous lovers). However in my mind I automatically assume that there were others she was with who were better or bigger. My mind says she is thinking about them when with me (even though this was 20 years ago). This is the self doubt side. My OCD mind needs to always be questioning things to feel comfortable...this is why it is hard for me to just let things go. It is like my mind gets bored, so I find something from the past or present that I do not know the 100% truth then I dwell on it. It sucks! However with therapy, medicine and prayer, I fell better than ever now. I realize that my wife had a life before me, as did I. She met me, fell in love with me, so I must have done something right. Don't ruin your marriage over something that happened before she even knew you existed. Just think, there are alot of marriages out there with infidelity in them now...be thankful for what you have today and look forward to the future. Sounds like you have a great family going...Hope this helps.
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reader, Sirion +, writes (25 October 2007):
Hi, I've posted this reply in another, older thread. I hope this is cool, and won't do it again.
I find myself in a similar position to many of the people here. I have been with my wife for 13 years, married for 7, and lost my virginity to her when we met, at the ripe old age of 23: we're both 36. Before I entered her life, she had been in one long term relationship, had no strings sex with ten guys, and made out with many times more. It has always been an issue for me, but has now become the biggest in our otherwise happy marriage, and is threatening to tear it apart.
We live in an age where having many casual sexual encounters is considered a normal part life, and objectively I can appreciate this, with no moral distinction between the sexes. However, on those rare social occasions, where the wine is flowing freely, tongues loosen, and the talk turns to sex, specifically the number of partners people have had, my answer is met with a wall of deafening silence. Eventually, someone (invariably a woman) mutters some platitude about it being romantic that I've only been with my wife, and the conversation moves on to something decidedly non sexual.
Without meaning to blow my trumpet too much, I'm a good looking guy, but one with a crippling fear of rejection, and almost pathological shyness, even when a woman shows overt signs of interest. I explain this, but am left feeling like a sideshow exhibit from a more puritanical age.
In the distant past, I've put my wife under the spotlight, and have tried to wring out of her, every detail about her previous lovers; where they met, who instigated, did she come etc. She has been as honest as she can be, but has rightly reserved some memories for herself, not because they are too painful, or shameful to recount, but because a: they are none of my damn business, and b: she is trying to protect me from myself. We have two young children, and the thought of ending the marriage over this is inconcievable.
My wife has the patience of a saint, and has even suggested that I have some discreet affairs, or one night stands, to get it out of my system. This is also not an option I am willing to consider. I've had many opportunities to stray, and have declined them all. When this happens, my moral side has a tickertape parade, but I feel a small part of me dies. I have considered suicide on many occaisions, and feel I am running out of time.
Incidentally, the only other person I know who is also struggling with this same issue is a woman; a close friend of my wife. She lost her virginity to her husband at a similar age to me. He had been with hundreds of women before her, and it is also threatening to wreak the happiness they have. I might add, that she isn't a hideous troll; far from it.
Please help
Dan
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2007): I'm in a similar situation. I'm currently 32 yrs old. I met my wife when we were 16 yrs old. I made an attempt to ask her out when we first met and she made an exuse about not being able to date yet. We became just friends and soon after she started dating guys (not me). I decided that if I stayed close that eventually I would be her next BF. Years passed and she moved from serious boyfriend to serious boyfriend and I never told her that my feelings had grown even stronger. In high school she didn't sleep around much , but only with serious boyfriends and she had a new boyfriend for each school year. I felt terrible about her being with other guys but somehow becuase she was only with guys who dated her for long periods of time it made her less "sluty" in my eyes. It still hurt me though becuase I was in love with her. By the time we graduated from highschool she thought I was just a friend with no romantic interest in her at all. We went to different colleges but still hung out on weekends occasionally and chatted on the phone etc. A year into college I was ready to finally tell her that i had feelings for her, and I was talking to a friend of hers about what a "good girl" my wife (just friend at the time) was. Her friend then informed me my future wife had been sleeping with a co-worker for several months. This devestated me! I decided to avoid her for the next yr becuase it was too much to take. A year later we re-connected as if nothing had happened. She broke up with her BF several months later. We would hangout, go to dinner/movies etc. We acted like a couple but didn't have any intimacy and I still didn't tell her how I felt. She also didn't know that the reason i stopped talking to her in the past was that i had feelings for her and hated the news she was sleeping with someone. Anyways, our friendship continued through the next yr. I kept waiting for the right time to tell her my feelings. I was worried that I had to tell her at just the right time and I think i also delayed telling her for fear of rejection.. Finally in April of 1999 we went out for drinks and I told her how i felt. She was shocked. She wanted to know why I never told her before etc etc.. I gave her my reasons and her response was something like "I'm not over my recent ex yet" or something like that. We pushed forward as if nothing had been said. We still saw each other one sat a night a month for dinner etc. Then in Oct 2000 I called her and while I was on the phone, her cell rang and she answered (I could hear her conversation). She told the person on the other line "No, it's just john". I'm john ! Seconds later her doorbell rings and she tells me she has to go. It turns out she was seeing someone and I didn't know. Her friend told me she had been dating a guy who was 36 (she was 22 and I was 24) for the past 6 months but I didn't know about it. Again, I was floored. I shut her out of my life for about a year or so with no explanation to her but she had to know right? In october of 2001 we started talking again, this time she said her feelinsg have changed a bit and she was looking at me outside of the friendzone. We went on some "friend" dates but by Jan 2002 she said I was too pushy for us to be togeather and I again decided that i needed a break. My plan was that I needed to go away and then comeback and hopefully be out of the friend zone. In June of 2003 I email her that i missed her every day. We rec-onnected. Two months later she dumped her BF and started dating me by August of 2003. By Feb 2004 we were engaged. By jan 2005 we were married. After we got married she told me that in addition to the guys I already knew about, she had a one night stand with a guy she met at a club right after highschool. She also said that she dated the 36 yr old from May 200 to Nov 2000 before he ended it saying he was too old for her. She said they reconnected again in the summer of 2001 and had dinner/slept togeather 3 or 4 times before he ended things again saying he was starting to get serious with someone. She also said that In august-sept 2001 that she slept with a co-worker a few times (he had a girfriend at the time) and had dinner and went to movies with him a few times in March of 2002 but they didn't make out or sleep togeather after their summer fling in July 2001. She then told me she met a friend of her cousin in July 2002 and dated/ slept with him from August 2002 to Dec 2002. She says he wasn't a serious boyfriend but just fun to hangout with in groups and the occasional one on one date stuff but they did pretty much see each other every sat night for 4 months. she ended the relationship but they stayed friends via email and the occasional phone call. Since this guy was her cousins friend, he has since shown up to every party thrown at her uncles house and I have told her we will no longer attend. Finally In Feb 2003 she got a new boyfriend who she was serious about. She broke up with him in August 2003 to be with me (we started talking in June 2003). We are currently married and are expecting our first child in Feb 2008. My wifes past relationships bother me alot. More then they did when we first got married. I'm not sure why. I think that the guys that bother me most are the ones she dated/slept with AFTER she knew I had feelings for her. It also bothers me that she was willing to sleep with guys who had girfriends or guys she didn't really like that much. I feel bad knowing it was hell for me for 11 yrs wanting to be with her and I had to work hard to finally be with her while these other guys not only dated her but got her in bed easily. I think the fact that I had to run into her ex at a family party last yr is what really set me off. Until that point I had only heard about these guys not see them. I was also told that a birthday party we had after we start dating that included lots o former co-workers included the co-worker she slept with in 2001 but i didn't know who he was. She thought it was harmless becuase they barely even talked anymore and she was inviting everyone from the old office. So in summary- It could be worse. My wife knew I existed and had feelings for her and still slept with an additional Four guys (that she admits to) before we got togeather. Part of me worries that she married me becuase I put her on a pedistal and I'm a really good guy. But based on pure superficial criteria that she would choose someone else. I wonder if I traed her poorly, and had a girfriend and wanted sex wioth her on the side if she would be "into" me enough to accept that arrangment as she did with a few other guys 6 yrs ago. I have always been confident in my looks but not when it came to her becuase it took so long for her to come around. I know she loves me now but I can remember being home hurting over her and now I know at the same time she was sleeping with different guys when I was hurting. The past is the past but it doesn't mean it can't be painfull. I believe this is just a phase and will pass.
Regards,
John
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2007): I could repeat what I have said in other posts, but just read these questions and answers:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-change-my-resurfaced-feelings-about.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/reading-her-journal-i-found-out-she-has.html
The second one is somewhat the opposite of your situation as to number of partners. I have always felt guilty about my feelings toward my wife and thought that I was the only one that could feel this way about a great woman. Since finding this great resource, I have realized that these feelings are common. That alone makes it much easier to handle. It also helps that my wife is willing to talk about it.
Another thing to remember is that some responders will tell you that you have a problem and that no one should feel that way and to grow up. Don't listen to them. They have not gone through this situation and cannot understand. Both men and women will tend to tell you this, so it is not just the women. My wife understands and will say the same thing that I am saying.
Good luck. It may take a while to get over, but your love is worth whatever it takes.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (28 September 2007):
KC3236S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the comments...anyone else have and input for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007): I'm 43 and recently went through the same thing as you. I've been married for 7 years to my current wife and we have 2 children. We were both married before and I have a child from my previous marriage. One night during a conversation I asked "how many" and she told me 7, I pressed a little and she finally admitted 15. I lost it, I actually felt ill. I strongly considered divorce but couldn't bring myself to do it because of my young children. What's weird is it never seemed important before and I guess I assumed her number was low. I don't know why it bothered me after all those years it didn't seem important. My number is almost the exact same as hers. I think your counselor is on to something with the mid-life crisis thing. I believe it has something to do with it in my situation. I've also been successfull and I'm confident so I don't buy the insecurity thing some people may suggest. My wife is perfect for me in every other way and I concentrate on that rather than the other. One other thing is she is a different person now than she was 15 years ago, I think we all grow up and change. It has actually brought us closer together and put us back in church where we belong. Sometimes things work out for reasons we don't understand. Good luck, I think there are a lot more people out there like us.
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reader, KC3236S +, writes (26 September 2007):
KC3236S is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Tommy7. I do try to change my thoughts when it gets bad. It only lasts for awhile though. I did speak to a counselor this morning. She is a certified life coach, marriage/relationship specialist, etc. I have an appointment with her this week. We talked on the phone and she said it sounds like the issue with the ex now being part of my daily life has put me over the edge. My son is becoming good friends with his son, etc. Thus guy is talking with me at practice like I am just one of the Dads, having no idea who I am or how I am feeling. Maybe I am worried that a time will come when I have to interact with him more and more and this past relationship will come to light? Dunno. He has stood right next to my wife at games and never once gave her a second look so I don't think he knows anything. The counselor also hinted that some of this could be age related, kind of a midlife crisis I guess. However the truth is that at 38 I am in the best shape of my life, my business is booming, and our sexlife has never been better, so I am unsure on this one. However the one thing she did say that stuck with me is this. "I have lost the ability to separate past from present. That I am seeing her past lovers in a mindset that it happened last week like she had an affair." This is why I am dwelling on it with so much hurt and anger". I see this as very true and never thought of it this way. I see visual hings in my mind and I think things like, "How could my wife do this to me?" Then I pause and say, wait, she was not my wife then so she did not do anything wrong against ME, she did not even know I existed. She said she has a therapy plan for me to come to a solution with this and it has worked for many others. She said I am not alone with these issues, just smart enough to do something about it now, rather than needing her down the road for divorce counseling as a result of the damage caused. More later. I would appreciate more feedback on this from all of you. I actually feel better just talking about it (typing about it). :)
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reader, Tommy7 +, writes (26 September 2007):
While your thoughts are normal, dwelling on them is not. Such acient history has no effect on today and tomorrow. Keep changing the subject when it jumps into your mind. Sometimes having a little phrase to repeat, like "I won her love and she's all mine."
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